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Coach Through Critical Moments of Choice_Final

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>> In this lecture, we're going to talk about how you can coach critical moments using the inner freedom method and how you can play with fear. So, my player Natasha. She is in her car, she has just been to the bank, and she's pulling out of the bank parking lot. And right in this moment, while it might seem like a normal, everyday kind of moment pulling out of a bank parking lot, for Natasha, this is a critical moment in her game, in her life, in her business. Now what's happening is if she turns right, she's going to go back to her office, and she's going to prepare for a big workshop that she's been planning for quite a while, and she has some time set aside to plan and prepare to make sure it's an awesome workshop. If she turns left, she's going to go and run an errand that just popped in her mind that she really should do while she is out. So I want you to think about how many times do you imagine you and your players face these kinds of critical moments where it's one way, this is going to happen or if you go the other way, something else is going to happen. And the answer is lots of times. Lots of times, every day, you have these kinds of critical moments, could be 10, 20, 100 times, every single day. You know, like there's... And there's so many little examples maybe, you know, it's your time to do some business, and you sit down and you think, "Oh, I got to follow up with Bill. I met him at this meeting the other day." And then you think, "Uh, well, maybe I better check my email first." So instead of making a really big phone call, you're going to check your email. And these are the kinds of things that happen over and over and over again in life, and what I call critical moments of choice. So let's continue along with player Natasha. What happened with Natasha is Natasha turned left. She went to run the errand. She didn't go back to her office to prepare for the workshop. Now a lot of people, especially my friends, these self-help gurus, they would say, "Oh, it's self-sabotage!" And I say, "No, there is no such thing as self-sabotage." Coaches, we do not believe in self-sabotage. In fact, we understand that it's actually something very different going on. It's actually self-preservation. And the reason we don't believe in self-sabotage is because if you are coaching someone and you say, "Oh, Natasha, you turned left, that's self-sabotage. You are sabotaging your dream." Then, they're left thinking like, "Oh, no, I've got a saboteur living inside of me. I can't trust myself. What if my saboteur is in there?" So we just do not go down that pathway. Saboteur and the idea of sabotage is a very judgmental kind of thought. And as coaches, we're always using our super power of judgment-free awareness. So let's talk about how we can help player Natasha and how I coach player Natasha in this situation. So the big thing first is to recognize, this is a huge insight that I want you to take away from this lecture, and that is this. There are two profound and dynamic forces at play within every human experience. Every pursuit that a human will take on, whether it's lose 10 pounds, or build a business, or have a great workshop, or have a better relationship with your family, whatever the pursuit is, there is always a dance between these two forces. The first force is the dream, the desire for more, more connection, more participation, more contribution. Every human being in their heart desires to play a big game to contribute out in the world. At the same time, every human being has the imperative to survive and play safe. And survival is not a good or bad thing, and your dream to play big in the world is not a good or bad thing, both are good, both are essential to the human experience. And in fact, if we didn't have these two forces at play, first of all, we'd probably be dead, our species would not have survived, and life would be a bore. If everything you thought of, you just went and did it, then it would get pretty boring. But the fact that we have this dance or so, you could call it a conflict between the desire to play big and the imperative to stay safe, this dance is actually what makes life worth living. And by the way, coaches, it's why we have a profession called coaching. If we didn't have this dance, we wouldn't be needed. Coaching is needed in life because every pursuit a human takes on, especially the big ones, the more meaningful and purposeful ones bring up that survival imperative very strongly, and these two forces really mix it up. And as a coach, you can guide your player through observing them and talking with them, you can guide them in this interchange, and then help them choose and find the critical moments to choose when to play big and when to play safe. So let's backtrack with player Natasha. How did we get to this point where I'm talking with her about her day and we have it down to pulling out of the parking lot? This is kind of interesting, right, 'cause you think, "Well, how did you get there?" So this is how it happened. I get on the phone with Natasha and I say, "Natasha, how is the workshop?" She says, "Oh, it's pretty good." Okay. Well, that wasn't what I was hoping for and it wasn't what she was hoping for. So what was Natasha playing for? Natasha worked her butt off to put this workshop together, spent months getting people invited, getting them to say yes, getting her plan together. And if you recall, she had a couple of hours ready where she was going to really prepare and get her notes together and really be prepared to be awesome, but she went and ran errands. So I said, "Natasha, what happened?" "Well, you know, it was pretty good and, you know, people seem to like it," but like it isn't what she was playing for. Natasha was playing for them to want more, for them to say, "Hey when's the next workshop," or "Can I hire you as a coach." So she was playing for a bigger result than they liked it. So how do you find these critical moments? You start off with understanding the three scenarios that you can use as a coach when your player is in a critical moment of choice. The first one is pretty easy. That's when your player does not take the action. So they have a plan, you talk with them, you know, how many times have you done this. You talk with your player, you have a great plan, but then they don't do it. So if they don't take the action, then you know there's a critical moment of choice somewhere where they're choosing to not take the action. So we'll talk about that. And in this case, that was a little bit of the situation when Natasha, she had a plan to prepare for her workshop, but she chose to do something else. Another scenario is when your player takes action, but they power through the resistance, it's like, "Okay, I got to make this call. I'm going to force myself to do it." And you've experienced this, I have, everyone does where it's like, "Okay, I said I was going to do it," and you power through. That's better than not doing it usually, but often that leaves you feeling exhausted and not empowered. So the third scenario is when your player does the action, but doesn't get the result that they desire, and that's also a part of Natasha's situation here. She did the action, she went, she led the workshop. It's not like she didn't go. She went, she did the workshop, but she didn't get the results she wanted. So because she didn't get the results she wanted when I talked with her, I said, "Okay, let's replay your day. Tell me how the day went?" So she starts telling me, "Well, I got up, I got ready, and I needed to go to the bank to run an errand." I'm like, "Oh, Natasha, did you really need to go to the bank on the day of your workshop?" She said, "Well, yeah, you know, I had to move some money around." But also, I know Natasha. Natasha loves going to the bank. When Natasha goes to the bank, everyone knows her. Natasha is this big personality, everyone at the bank knows her. So I think, "Okay, Natasha going to the bank, that's good for her day. She gets a little juiced up, happiness, everyone knows and loves Natasha. If I was Natasha, I'd go to the bank, get a little juice, get a little joy, and then prepare for the workshop." Okay, so then what happened? "So after you pulled out of the bank, after you went to the bank, what happened?" "Well, after I pulled out of the bank, I thought, you know what? I need this newspaper because I think there's an article about my friend, and I really wanted to check it out, and it's only like a 10-minute drive to get to the place where they have this local paper." I was like, "A local paper you need on the day of your workshop? That seems a little strange." So that's when I noticed, there was a critical moment. So when you're talking to your player, you're observing them, you're watching their day through their description of it. You're listening for moments that don't quite add up where you can see that their dream would take them one way and something else is taking them another way, and this was a situation like that. It's like, "Why do you need that newspaper? No, that doesn't make sense. Let's slow down." So now with the inner freedom method, one of the things you do that's really powerful is you replay the critical moment. Okay, so this is a really juicy part of coaching that I want to share with you. So what you do is you get your player right in the moment of choice. So I said, "Okay, Natasha, bring yourself back. We do a little visualization. Imagine you're sitting in the car, you're about to pull out of the bank parking lot. You could turn right and go back to your office, you could turn left and do the errand." So I have both of her eyes closed. "I want you to just imagine you're sitting there. And now we're going to do a little scan, okay?" So we're going to do a little scan of mind and body and just get a feel for what's happening in your player's experience in this critical moment. And we always scan with judgment-free awareness, "So whatever thoughts, whatever body sensations you have, you just allow them to be there, don't judge, don't hold anything back, just tell me everything that's going on." So she says, "Okay." So she says, "I'm sitting there in the car and I'm thinking..." she says, "Where is my place at the table? Why do I always have to work so hard?" This is what she says. So I thought, "Okay, that's very interesting." So you can tell she's got some thoughts that are like, sort of, conflicted about whether she should prepare or go run her errand. So you could tell there's some really provocative thinking happening there in her mind, but she didn't notice when she just did it. But now that we're slowing down and doing like a replay, you start to notice these thoughts. I said, "Okay, Natasha, scan your body, tell me what you feel?" So she's scanning and she says, "Oh, I have this buzzing sensation right in my solar plexus, it really kind of hurts now that I think about it." Like, okay, now we're getting somewhere. So when you are coaching your player, you need to create awareness of mind and body, right, the whole thing is essential to the coaching experience. And again, whether you're life coaching or leadership coaching or even basketball coaching, you want to help your player be aware of mind and body. Okay. So now, listen to this, it's so amazing if you think about player Natasha. So she feels this sensation. So I say, "Okay, Natasha, the next step of the inner freedom method is to really feel into this energy and allow this energy to be there. Don't judge it, don't resist it, don't try to release it, don't do anything to it. Just experience it." So she says, "Okay." She's feeling into her solar plexus. She's just letting it be there. And then, I say, "Okay, what happened when you were in this experience?" She says, "Oh, I had this crazy memory pop up, but it doesn't make any sense." I'm like, "Well, tell me what happened." She says, "I remembered being in third grade, and I was sitting in class, and it was the last day of school." And she goes, "It's kind of a long story. You want me to tell you?" I'm like, "Yeah, tell me what happened." She says, "Well, I was in third grade, and I come from an immigrant family. And my uncle, who was pretty wealthy, had made me this deal because I was doing really good in school. And he said, 'If you come in first place in your class in the final tests, I'll give you a bicycle.'" And so all year she was, you know, acing every test and trying to get this bike. And then, on the last day of school, she has this feeling of dread, and she's going in for the test... And I'm like, "Okay, tell me what happened. You're in third grade." I have her go back in time, imagine she's in third grade, she's sitting there taking this test, and she says, "I had this thought, if I win this bike, my sisters are going to hate me." And I said, "Wow, that's pretty intense." She said, "Yeah. And I made up my mind. I'm going to fail the test on purpose because if I get that bike, they're going to make me miserable." I said, "Wow, Natasha, that's a really big deal for an eight-year-old to come to that kind of conclusion." So we started to talk about it. And it was a critical moment of her life when she was eight years old that this happened. So when we explored this event, which I call a memory pop, we could see the connection between sitting at the bank pulling out to go work on her workshop and being in eighth grade about to take this test, and being afraid that if she aced the test, she was going to have a big problem with her sisters. And so when she said that, I realized that these two moments were connected in her non-conscious mind, in particular in her social brain. The social desire to stay connected to her sisters and her dream to go and have a great business were in conflict in that moment. The dance was dancing, and her desire to be safe and survive which in most human beings to be safe and survive, you have to stay connected to your tribe, your family, your friends, whatever it is. The survival imperative and the social imperative are huge in our body's experience. So she came to the conclusion, "I don't want to pass this test and get the bike." And that same process then impacted her in this moment to go and prepare for the workshop. So when you listen for the language, and that's the key to coaching, and you're observing, you're listening, you hear the pattern language of your player, and then you can see how she made a choice to not work on the workshop, but it happened at a non-conscious level. But by going into the body and listening and talking about these moments, you can bubble up the non-conscious experience into a conscious one that you can then talk about and explore. So the big thing is you don't make anything wrong, judgment-free awareness is a superpower. And then you help your player explore, "Okay, well, as an eight-year-old, you made this choice. Did it work out well? Was it a wise choice?" She goes, "Yeah, I didn't get a high grade on the test, didn't get number one, didn't get the bike. And me and my sisters are fine, we have a great relationship." I'm like, "Okay, then that was a wise move. It's okay, you made the right call. As an eight-year-old that was very smart." So what you want to do is you want to find the perfection of the choice. So rather than saying, "Oh, you've got sabotaged," instead you say, "Oh, you're wise eight-year-old made a choice to keep peace in the family. That was smart, but now you're not 8 years old anymore, now you're 48 years old. So as a 48-year old, which choice do you think would serve you better in making your dream come true of your business?" And then it becomes clear, "Oh, in this situation now, I really want to excel, I want to do great. Matter of fact," she goes, "My sister's business is rocking. She would be happy for me if my business was thriving." So you can see by bubbling up this choice from many years ago that it creates awareness and now your player can make a new choice. So we look for the pattern language, and you could see she had a pattern that was, "If I win, I will suffer." She actually said this, "If I win, I will suffer. My sisters will hate me." So now as a coach, you create a new pattern language. I said, "Okay, Natasha, what pattern language would you like to live from in this moment." She just said, "It's okay to win." All right, perfect, it's okay to win. That's a great new pattern language. So this is all part of the inner freedom method where you replay the moment, find the pattern language, see if there's a memory that pops up, and then explore it and then you create a new pattern. So I said, "Okay, Natasha, imagine you're sitting in your car, you're pulling out of the bank and you think the thought it's okay to win. If you think the thought it's okay to win, then what do you do next?" And she said, "Oh, when I sit there in my car and I think it's okay to win, I see myself turning right and going back to my office, and getting ready for my workshop, and really having it be great." "All right, that is awesome." So then, once you replay the moment with the new pattern, you start to create a new experience for your player so that in the future when they have these moments, the non-conscious pattern can bubble up and they can replace it with a new pattern that will get them into what they really want out of life. Okay, so let's get a little recap on player Natasha. And again, this could be you, this could be any of your players. Any time someone is going for something big, something in life that's bigger or better, more special to them, more precious to them than what they currently have, which is what coaching is all about of course, you're coaching someone to play bigger in life. You're going to have them experience these critical moments of choice that would just happen automatically. And so your role as the coach is to help find these critical moments, and then explore them so that you can bring non-conscious patterns into conscious awareness, so then you can make a different choice, your player can make better choices for their dream. And if they don't sometimes, that's okay too. If you bubble up awareness and your player thinks, "You know what? It's actually better for me at this point to play it safe and don't go big," that's okay. The whole key is to make it a conscious choice. The last thing that I want to share about this because a lot of times, we wonder, like, how do we get these ideas in our non-conscious awareness like in our body, in our brain, in our social brain, where did these ideas come from. And really, the important thing to know as a coach is most of our human experience is oriented toward survival, and that includes physical survival, but most of the time, what you'll notice is social survival. Social survival, fitting in with the group, fitting in with your family, fitting in with the tribe is essential to survival in the human experience. And so even if you think, "Oh, in my mind, I know I want to do this big thing." If in your body, it's somehow doing this thing connects you with losing your tribe or being, you know, disenfranchised from your social group, that will create a lot of tension in your player's experience, and so that's when using inner freedom and using these kinds of coaching techniques to bring up awareness and make new choices will really be powerful. And that's what I would love for you, as a coach, is to know that when your players get stuck that you have some tools that you can use to help them create awareness and make choices to make their biggest dreams come true.

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Posted by: integrativenutrition on Jul 6, 2018

Coach Through Critical Moments of Choice_Final

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