Russell Peters - Outsourced 2006 - part3
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<i>God's essence</i>. That's dope, man.
I like the Indian names.
I think a lot of
Indian names are really cool, but
I think a lot of cultural names are cool.
But if you're gonna be,
if you're gonna have a cultural name,
and you're gonna move
from another country to America,
think about what that name
means in English before you move here.
You know what I mean?
Think about
how it's gonna affect your life.
'Cause some
Indian names are really good.
Some Indian names are really cool.
And they mean a lot.
But they're really good in India.
When they come here with those names,
it just doesn't cross over very well.
I met an Indian dude,
and you know this is a real name,
cause he was one of your people.
Uhm...
I met an Indian guy, I swear to God,
his real name was <i>Sukhdeep</i>.
Sukhdeep.
Could you imagine living your life
with a name like <i>Suck Deep</i>?
Somebody's looking for you one day,
"Yo, man...
...you Sukhdeep?"
"Yeah, sometimes, if I have to. I...
...don't really like it, though. I..."
And obviously it's not
pronounced <i>suck deep</i> in my culture,
you know what I mean?
But if you were
to read it, that's how you'd read it.
It's spelled S-U-K-H-D-E-E-P.
The 'H' doesn't help.
'Cause now it sounds even worse.
Suck huh Deep.
"Come here, Suck-huh-Deep!"
And I used to think Sukhdeep was
the funniest Indian name I've ever heard.
And then
a few months ago, I was in D.C.,
and I met
this Indian dude. And I shit you not,
the guy's real name
was <i>Hardik</i>.
H-A-R-D-I-K.
Hardik!
Who the hell
name their kid <i>Hard Dick</i>?
"Hey, come on,
Hardik, pull up your pants...
...Stop that. It's not nice."
<i>Hard dick</i>
How can you not get into
a career of porn with a name like Hardik?
What if Hardik
and Sukhdeep became best friends?
You're Punjabi,
you know what I'm saying.
You guys crossed the line
with the names as well.
I met
an Indian girl named <i>Ramindeep</i>.
Ram-in-deep!
"Hey, get in there, and Ramindeep."
Sure,
it's not pronounced like that,
but it sounds
funnier when you say Ram-in-deep.
Just think, you know.
And I don't know
why the Indian guys just can't wrap-
Indian people can't
wrap their head around my name.
I don't know why it's that difficult.
It's very simple.
Just go read a history book
and it'll all make sense to you.
And Indian people are
always the worst about it. The worst.
White people hear
"Russell Peters." "Oh, okay, fine."
They don't have
a problem with it. They don't get it.
They just "Oh, I don't care. Yeah."
"Maybe he's just a dark
white guy. I don't know what he is...
...Somewhere south.
I don't know what he is."
[From the crowd. He repeats]
"Look, you're not Christian, are you?"
"Yes, I am."
[From the crowd]
"From the South?"
No, not from the south.
See, I'm not one of them.
I know what
you're thinking. I'm not one of them.
Those were converts.
I was mixed.
We don't know when the mix happened.
It just happened.
We're a long line of us.
Indian people are the worst. 'Cause...
You tell my name
to a white guy "Russell Peters."
"How're you doing? Nice to meet you."
Indian people,
they'll first want to question you.
And Indian people,
when they try to get information out of you,
they're the worst at it.
They're not very convincing.
You can
always tell when an Indian person's
trying to
convince you to tell them something.
'Cause when
they're trying to convince you,
they give you
this look like they're taking a shit.
They do. They'll come like this
"Hey, Russell...
...Russell..
[Straining]
...Russell..."
It's what they do.
They're not
very convincing people, you know?
Parents are the worst 'cause they...
White parents
are very direct, you know what I mean?
You have white parents. Where are you?
There you are, white guy. Hey.
What's your name, buddy?
- Steve.
Steve. Just in case... wow, there's-
Welcome to stereotype night. This is...
Steve, José, and
[Indian accent] Anit Patel.
White parents are very direct.
They want their kids to something?
"Hey, Steve,
come here and clean up your room."
They tell you right away.
Indian parents feel the
need to convince their kids to do things.
And if they don't make the shit face,
they'll take one word
and try and make it sound convincing.
You know?
"Russell?...
...Come...
...Coome...
...Cooome."
That's their convincing sound.
They'll just
take one word and extend it.
[Elongated sound]
I can only imagine
an arranged marriage on the wedding night.
They got to
consummate the first day they met.
"Are we going to have sex?...
...Seex?...
...Seeeex...
...Doggy style?...
...Dooggy?...
...Dooooog."
Immigrant parents have a tendency
to embarrass their kids, don't they?
Yeah, they do. They do things.
They just
do shit when family comes over.
That's when they embarrass you.
You can try
and be as hardcore as you want,
but the minute your family,
like relatives come over, it's over.
They're gonna embarrass you.
Filipinos, you know what I'm saying.
You guys
always have that shit happen to you.
"Show Tito Ray how you sing. Show him....
...John, come here
and show Tito Ray your songs...
...Show him.
Sing the songs for Tito Ray...
...Go on. Do it...
...Do it. Ah, see.
He's so good. He's so good."
Indian parents will do that too.
I remember when
I was like 14, I used to break-dance.
There was...
Yeah, I did.
I was, all the time, just
That was me back in the day, man.
But I remember,
when I was 14, I'd be out there all day.
"Come on, we're gonna break.
Come on, everybody. We're gonna break."
"We're gonna battle all day, man!"
And then
when my family came over,
I didn't want to,
like, break in front of them.
My dad
would be like, "Come, Russell...
...Show.
Show uncle how you dance...
...Show uncle how you dance!"
I'm like
"I don't want to show him how I dance"
"Show him how you dance."
And you're standing like an asshole.
And your uncle's like
"Oh, that's very good. Is he retarded?...
...I can't tell what's happening."
[From the crowd]
Yeah, Russell!
They just embarrassed you, man.
That was a lot of energy.
Anybody here from England?
Any British people in the house tonight?
Oh, look at that.
Nice, you imported your white meat.
Nice job, sir.
Where you from
in England, ma'am? Are you from England?
What part?
- I'm from Bedford.
[Imitates British accent]
Bedford.
Bedford.
She said it so nicely
[British accent] "I'm from Bedford."
I like the English accent
sometimes, you know what I mean?
But I really think it's
the only accent in the world you can't do
without making
a ridiculous face every time you do it.
[Imitates British accent]
"Yes, good evening, I'm from England...
...Ha!"
"I'm from England...
...Ha!"
Sometimes English people are ok,
but sometimes
they get very arrogant, the English.
You know what I mean?
You want
to mess with English people?
Next time
you meet somebody from England
and they tell you where they're from,
act like you've never heard of it.
Oh, they get pissed off.
"Hey, that's an interesting
accent. Where are you from?"
"I'm from England. Ha ha!"
"I'm sorry. Where?"
"England....
...Haah!"
"I've never heard of it."
"England?...
...Ha?...
...Little island, beside...
[Wheezing]
...Europe."
"Is that near Miami?"
"England, you bloody fool!...
...I believe
you are speaking our language."
"I speak English. I don't know
what the hell you're speaking right now."
"You're speaking
<i>constipatese</i> or something...
...I don't know what that is,
...but you need fiber, jeeves."
"England. Ha!"
It looks ugly sometimes, you know?
I think that's
why English guys don't get laid a lot, man.
Women don't
want that pounding them, do they?
"Oh, God, ooh, ahh!...
...Aah!...
...What a delightful
feeling! Oh my God! Ah!...
...That is smashing! Oh! Aah!...
...Ooh, aha! Oh!...
...Oh my God, I'm arriving! Ah!"
How long
have you been in America for?
Twelve, thirteen years?
And you met in England,
obviously, because he's a brown man.
'Cause I don't know
if you're aware of this now,
England has the largest
Indian population outside of India.
It's true. They're all there.
And the British
are so pissed off that we're there.
They're mad
'cause there's so many of us, and
as a brown man,
when I walk around England,
I can feel it,
hear them under their breath.
"Go home, you brown bastards!...
...Ha!"
And they're mad that there's
so many Indian people in England.
And that's not our fault.
That's the British people's fault.
You guys started it.
You went to India first.
We didn't ask you to come over.
1600. They just showed up.
They stayed for 400 years.
1947, they just got up and left.
We were like
[indian accent] "No. Wait...
...We're coming with you....
...You can't just come here and leave...
...What the hell are you going to eat?...
...Coming...
...Coming?...
...Coome."
My white American friends, I...
Steve, your family's from America?
Nice.
And you're married to a brown girl, right?
Nice job-
How long have you guys been married for?
- Eleven years.
Eleven years? Nice.
You know what's funny?
Nowadays, eleven years is "Wow!"
Back then "Eleven? That's it?"
Now it's like "Wow, you made it."
- We have three kids.
Three kids?
Nice, little beige babies. Nice.
Nice, good job, huh?
Indian women
are good. They're sexy, right?
Spicy. Spicy, though, huh?
If you're going down on her,
better take a glass of water,
it's all I'm saying. You know...?
That's all I'm saying.
"Uh, huh! Huh!"
[Making sound of burnt tongue]
White people,
my white American friends,
I'm here
to tell you something, alright?
I like you.
And I'm not just saying that to say it.
I'm telling you for a reason.
Because I think
white folks have really done
some major things
in the past 30 years.
They've really taken some strides.
And I feel bad
for them too, 'cause white people-
all the non-white people
in the world have white folks convinced
that they're racist.
We have them
so scared to notice anything of color,
that they're afraid
to describe things accurately now.
I was working at this comedy club.
One of my black friends
came down to hang out with me,
and the doorman comes up and goes,
"Hey, Russell.
One of your friends came by."
"Was he a black guy?"
"I don't know...
...I didn't notice."
"What do you mean,
you didn't notice?"
"What he look like?"
"He was tall...
...Curly hair."
"What was his name?"
"Uh, Leroy."
"Was he black?"
"I don't know, uh, I...
...He could've been.
I mean, maybe, I don't know....
..If you say he's black,
maybe he was. I don't know."
We've got white people so scared
to describe things with color,
we've got them
so convinced that they're racist.
It's awful,
because, you know, the thing is,
white people
will never be as racist as we are.
Not in your life.
White folks can never be that racist.
Indian people,
Asian people, we're all very racist.
Every group is racist.
White folks
will see a group of Indian people.
They're like
"Oh, look at all those brown people."
"They're
probably all very happy together."
Then you get in that group.
We're like "Hey, you're from India?"
"I'm from India. What part?"
"Oh, not that part.
Go to hell, you bloody bastard!"
"I don't want to know you."
Every group does it.
Asians will do it. Look.
"Oh, I'm Chinese."
"You're Chinese? Where are you from?"
"I'm from Kung Chao."
"I'm from Ow Bay."
"Oh, you go. So stupid. I'll go."
"Oh, that's so bad.
I don't like. Don't talk to me, asshole!"
Every culture does it.
It's so bizarre, man.
White folks don't have that problem.
White guy'll see another white guy,
"Hey, where are you from?"
"I'm from Tennessee. Where you from?"
"I'm from New York."
"Well, let's have a drink."
"Alright, let's go. Ha ha!"
That's it. They don't care. They just-
"Hey, look. Another white guy."
White people, it's ok
to be proud of yourselves, you know.
It's ok to feel proud.
It's not a bad thing.
I mean,
sometimes you get carried away
and then you light crosses
and put on pointy white hats, but...
You know, you should
draw the line somewhere before that.
You know what I mean? You should-
But, white people,
you really have, you know,
changed things for yourselves
in the past 30 years, you know...?
You've very graciously
let immigrants into your country.
I mean,
you know, the country you took.
You know,
but whatever! You know what I mean?
Sure, sure, you have
a bad history, you know what I mean?
Sure, you stole
some land, you know what I mean?
Big deal. You tried
to wipe out a whole race of people.
No problem.
Alright. You know what I mean?
You brought people in
from Africa and fucked them over.
Good deal,
you know what I mean? But, you know,
let's forget about all that.
We're in the 21st century now.
It's time to move on.
I'm glad that you stole this land.
You know why?
'Cause Christopher Columbus
was looking for my land.
You know, Christopher Columbus,
your <i>Great Discoverer</i>?
He was looking for India
when he found North America.
That jackass was lost.
He wasn't even
in the right part of the world.
And he knew this wasn't India.
Why do you think the native people
here were called Indians?
'Cause he didn't want to
look stupid in front of his whole crew.
He's like
"Fellas, that must be India...
...And those must be Indians."
Meanwhile we're
on the shores of India going
[Indian accent]
"Where the hell is Chris?...
...The son of a bitch is late."