Russell Peters - Outsourced 2006 - part3

<i>God's essence</i>. That's dope, man. I like the Indian names. I think a lot of Indian names are really cool, but I think a lot of cultural names are cool. But if you're gonna be, if you're gonna have a cultural name, and you're gonna move from another country to America, think about what that name means in English before you move here. You know what I mean? Think about how it's gonna affect your life. 'Cause some Indian names are really good. Some Indian names are really cool. And they mean a lot. But they're really good in India. When they come here with those names, it just doesn't cross over very well. I met an Indian dude, and you know this is a real name, cause he was one of your people. Uhm... I met an Indian guy, I swear to God, his real name was <i>Sukhdeep</i>. Sukhdeep. Could you imagine living your life with a name like <i>Suck Deep</i>? Somebody's looking for you one day, "Yo, man... ...you Sukhdeep?" "Yeah, sometimes, if I have to. I... ...don't really like it, though. I..." And obviously it's not pronounced <i>suck deep</i> in my culture, you know what I mean? But if you were to read it, that's how you'd read it. It's spelled S-U-K-H-D-E-E-P. The 'H' doesn't help. 'Cause now it sounds even worse. Suck huh Deep. "Come here, Suck-huh-Deep!" And I used to think Sukhdeep was the funniest Indian name I've ever heard. And then a few months ago, I was in D.C., and I met this Indian dude. And I shit you not, the guy's real name was <i>Hardik</i>. H-A-R-D-I-K. Hardik! Who the hell name their kid <i>Hard Dick</i>? "Hey, come on, Hardik, pull up your pants... ...Stop that. It's not nice." <i>Hard dick</i> How can you not get into a career of porn with a name like Hardik? What if Hardik and Sukhdeep became best friends? You're Punjabi, you know what I'm saying. You guys crossed the line with the names as well. I met an Indian girl named <i>Ramindeep</i>. Ram-in-deep! "Hey, get in there, and Ramindeep." Sure, it's not pronounced like that, but it sounds funnier when you say Ram-in-deep. Just think, you know. And I don't know why the Indian guys just can't wrap- Indian people can't wrap their head around my name. I don't know why it's that difficult. It's very simple. Just go read a history book and it'll all make sense to you. And Indian people are always the worst about it. The worst. White people hear "Russell Peters." "Oh, okay, fine." They don't have a problem with it. They don't get it. They just "Oh, I don't care. Yeah." "Maybe he's just a dark white guy. I don't know what he is... ...Somewhere south. I don't know what he is." [From the crowd. He repeats] "Look, you're not Christian, are you?" "Yes, I am." [From the crowd] "From the South?" No, not from the south. See, I'm not one of them. I know what you're thinking. I'm not one of them. Those were converts. I was mixed. We don't know when the mix happened. It just happened. We're a long line of us. Indian people are the worst. 'Cause... You tell my name to a white guy "Russell Peters." "How're you doing? Nice to meet you." Indian people, they'll first want to question you. And Indian people, when they try to get information out of you, they're the worst at it. They're not very convincing. You can always tell when an Indian person's trying to convince you to tell them something. 'Cause when they're trying to convince you, they give you this look like they're taking a shit. They do. They'll come like this "Hey, Russell... ...Russell.. [Straining] ...Russell..." It's what they do. They're not very convincing people, you know? Parents are the worst 'cause they... White parents are very direct, you know what I mean? You have white parents. Where are you? There you are, white guy. Hey. What's your name, buddy? - Steve. Steve. Just in case... wow, there's- Welcome to stereotype night. This is... Steve, José, and [Indian accent] Anit Patel. White parents are very direct. They want their kids to something? "Hey, Steve, come here and clean up your room." They tell you right away. Indian parents feel the need to convince their kids to do things. And if they don't make the shit face, they'll take one word and try and make it sound convincing. You know? "Russell?... ...Come... ...Coome... ...Cooome." That's their convincing sound. They'll just take one word and extend it. [Elongated sound] I can only imagine an arranged marriage on the wedding night. They got to consummate the first day they met. "Are we going to have sex?... ...Seex?... ...Seeeex... ...Doggy style?... ...Dooggy?... ...Dooooog." Immigrant parents have a tendency to embarrass their kids, don't they? Yeah, they do. They do things. They just do shit when family comes over. That's when they embarrass you. You can try and be as hardcore as you want, but the minute your family, like relatives come over, it's over. They're gonna embarrass you. Filipinos, you know what I'm saying. You guys always have that shit happen to you. "Show Tito Ray how you sing. Show him.... ...John, come here and show Tito Ray your songs... ...Show him. Sing the songs for Tito Ray... ...Go on. Do it... ...Do it. Ah, see. He's so good. He's so good." Indian parents will do that too. I remember when I was like 14, I used to break-dance. There was... Yeah, I did. I was, all the time, just That was me back in the day, man. But I remember, when I was 14, I'd be out there all day. "Come on, we're gonna break. Come on, everybody. We're gonna break." "We're gonna battle all day, man!" And then when my family came over, I didn't want to, like, break in front of them. My dad would be like, "Come, Russell... ...Show. Show uncle how you dance... ...Show uncle how you dance!" I'm like "I don't want to show him how I dance" "Show him how you dance." And you're standing like an asshole. And your uncle's like "Oh, that's very good. Is he retarded?... ...I can't tell what's happening." [From the crowd] Yeah, Russell! They just embarrassed you, man. That was a lot of energy. Anybody here from England? Any British people in the house tonight? Oh, look at that. Nice, you imported your white meat. Nice job, sir. Where you from in England, ma'am? Are you from England? What part? - I'm from Bedford. [Imitates British accent] Bedford. Bedford. She said it so nicely [British accent] "I'm from Bedford." I like the English accent sometimes, you know what I mean? But I really think it's the only accent in the world you can't do without making a ridiculous face every time you do it. [Imitates British accent] "Yes, good evening, I'm from England... ...Ha!" "I'm from England... ...Ha!" Sometimes English people are ok, but sometimes they get very arrogant, the English. You know what I mean? You want to mess with English people? Next time you meet somebody from England and they tell you where they're from, act like you've never heard of it. Oh, they get pissed off. "Hey, that's an interesting accent. Where are you from?" "I'm from England. Ha ha!" "I'm sorry. Where?" "England.... ...Haah!" "I've never heard of it." "England?... ...Ha?... ...Little island, beside... [Wheezing] ...Europe." "Is that near Miami?" "England, you bloody fool!... ...I believe you are speaking our language." "I speak English. I don't know what the hell you're speaking right now." "You're speaking <i>constipatese</i> or something... ...I don't know what that is, ...but you need fiber, jeeves." "England. Ha!" It looks ugly sometimes, you know? I think that's why English guys don't get laid a lot, man. Women don't want that pounding them, do they? "Oh, God, ooh, ahh!... ...Aah!... ...What a delightful feeling! Oh my God! Ah!... ...That is smashing! Oh! Aah!... ...Ooh, aha! Oh!... ...Oh my God, I'm arriving! Ah!" How long have you been in America for? Twelve, thirteen years? And you met in England, obviously, because he's a brown man. 'Cause I don't know if you're aware of this now, England has the largest Indian population outside of India. It's true. They're all there. And the British are so pissed off that we're there. They're mad 'cause there's so many of us, and as a brown man, when I walk around England, I can feel it, hear them under their breath. "Go home, you brown bastards!... ...Ha!" And they're mad that there's so many Indian people in England. And that's not our fault. That's the British people's fault. You guys started it. You went to India first. We didn't ask you to come over. 1600. They just showed up. They stayed for 400 years. 1947, they just got up and left. We were like [indian accent] "No. Wait... ...We're coming with you.... ...You can't just come here and leave... ...What the hell are you going to eat?... ...Coming... ...Coming?... ...Coome." My white American friends, I... Steve, your family's from America? Nice. And you're married to a brown girl, right? Nice job- How long have you guys been married for? - Eleven years. Eleven years? Nice. You know what's funny? Nowadays, eleven years is "Wow!" Back then "Eleven? That's it?" Now it's like "Wow, you made it." - We have three kids. Three kids? Nice, little beige babies. Nice. Nice, good job, huh? Indian women are good. They're sexy, right? Spicy. Spicy, though, huh? If you're going down on her, better take a glass of water, it's all I'm saying. You know...? That's all I'm saying. "Uh, huh! Huh!" [Making sound of burnt tongue] White people, my white American friends, I'm here to tell you something, alright? I like you. And I'm not just saying that to say it. I'm telling you for a reason. Because I think white folks have really done some major things in the past 30 years. They've really taken some strides. And I feel bad for them too, 'cause white people- all the non-white people in the world have white folks convinced that they're racist. We have them so scared to notice anything of color, that they're afraid to describe things accurately now. I was working at this comedy club. One of my black friends came down to hang out with me, and the doorman comes up and goes, "Hey, Russell. One of your friends came by." "Was he a black guy?" "I don't know... ...I didn't notice." "What do you mean, you didn't notice?" "What he look like?" "He was tall... ...Curly hair." "What was his name?" "Uh, Leroy." "Was he black?" "I don't know, uh, I... ...He could've been. I mean, maybe, I don't know.... ..If you say he's black, maybe he was. I don't know." We've got white people so scared to describe things with color, we've got them so convinced that they're racist. It's awful, because, you know, the thing is, white people will never be as racist as we are. Not in your life. White folks can never be that racist. Indian people, Asian people, we're all very racist. Every group is racist. White folks will see a group of Indian people. They're like "Oh, look at all those brown people." "They're probably all very happy together." Then you get in that group. We're like "Hey, you're from India?" "I'm from India. What part?" "Oh, not that part. Go to hell, you bloody bastard!" "I don't want to know you." Every group does it. Asians will do it. Look. "Oh, I'm Chinese." "You're Chinese? Where are you from?" "I'm from Kung Chao." "I'm from Ow Bay." "Oh, you go. So stupid. I'll go." "Oh, that's so bad. I don't like. Don't talk to me, asshole!" Every culture does it. It's so bizarre, man. White folks don't have that problem. White guy'll see another white guy, "Hey, where are you from?" "I'm from Tennessee. Where you from?" "I'm from New York." "Well, let's have a drink." "Alright, let's go. Ha ha!" That's it. They don't care. They just- "Hey, look. Another white guy." White people, it's ok to be proud of yourselves, you know. It's ok to feel proud. It's not a bad thing. I mean, sometimes you get carried away and then you light crosses and put on pointy white hats, but... You know, you should draw the line somewhere before that. You know what I mean? You should- But, white people, you really have, you know, changed things for yourselves in the past 30 years, you know...? You've very graciously let immigrants into your country. I mean, you know, the country you took. You know, but whatever! You know what I mean? Sure, sure, you have a bad history, you know what I mean? Sure, you stole some land, you know what I mean? Big deal. You tried to wipe out a whole race of people. No problem. Alright. You know what I mean? You brought people in from Africa and fucked them over. Good deal, you know what I mean? But, you know, let's forget about all that. We're in the 21st century now. It's time to move on. I'm glad that you stole this land. You know why? 'Cause Christopher Columbus was looking for my land. You know, Christopher Columbus, your <i>Great Discoverer</i>? He was looking for India when he found North America. That jackass was lost. He wasn't even in the right part of the world. And he knew this wasn't India. Why do you think the native people here were called Indians? 'Cause he didn't want to look stupid in front of his whole crew. He's like "Fellas, that must be India... ...And those must be Indians." Meanwhile we're on the shores of India going [Indian accent] "Where the hell is Chris?... ...The son of a bitch is late."