Shame & Empathy by Dr. Brené Brown - Szégyen & Empátia
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My name is Brené Brown and I am a
shame and empathy researcher at University of Houston
Graduate College of Social Work.
I am the author of the 'I Thought It Was Just Me'
Women Reclaiming Power and Courage in a Culture of Shame.
Why shame and empathy?
So when I first started this work
I was so excited to
finally get an understanding of shame and
what it meant and why
so many of us have turned over big part of our lives to it
So when I first started the work
I was really passionate about talking about
the 'what is it' and 'how does it work', you know
I wanted to explain the people here is what I learned about shame,
you know, here is how it works in our lives,
because the thing, you know, probably a year
into this research I knew 3 things:
1. We've all got it.
2. No one wants to talk about it.
and 3. the less you talk about it the more power you turn over to it.
So in the beginning
I really focused on the 'what is shame' and
'how does it work', 'what is empathy' and 'how does it work'
and as I would talk to people,
I started to hear the why question, more than any other question.
People were interested in the 'what is it', and 'how does it work'
but what people really wanted to know is:
"Why? Why are you studying this?"
And: "Why are you insisting that
we talk about this?" Because you know,
the truth is that these are tough topics.
When you tell people that you study shame, vulnerability and empathy,
they kind of look at you like
vow, were all the other topics taken, or
did you draw a short straw at Research School?
But that's not the case, you know.
So people, and that's a mindful question here,
why do you study it, why do you think we should
talk about it? And s that's where I would like to start.
And what's I think interesting about
my answer, is that when I first...
I could not have answered this question why shame and
empathy 6 years ago, 5 years... maybe even 4 years ago.
But now...
after talking to hundreds of men and women
around the country about shame,
and how it affects the way they live, love, parent,
work, build relationships, I finally
for the first time and probably in my career
understand why.
If you think
about connection
- and I talk a lot about connection in my work -
connection is our ability to
forge meaningful
authentic relationships with other people.
I believe that connection is the essence
of a human experience.
It is what breathes life,
gives meaning to our lives. If you think about
connection on a continuum,
what I have learnt is that
anchoring this end of that continuum, is empathy.
It is what moves us toward
deep meaningful relationship.
On the other side of the continuum connection
is shame. It absolutely
unravels our relationships and
our connections with other people. And so
to study shame and empathy and to ask people
to engage in a rational conversation about these things,
just for the sake of knowing shame and empathy, I think
it might be too big of a question, you know, too big
of a favour to ask people to talk about just for that sake.
What I've learnt is that
if we wanna understand connection,
if we wanna understand what really
feeds our human spirit, we have to understand
what anchors both onto that continuum.
The vulnerability piece is if you imagine
this continuum, almoust like an equilizer on a stereo,
and have a little nob that you can move,
that nob is vulnerability.
When we're in our best vulnerability, meaning
open, willing to share not only our strength
with people, but our struggles, that moves us
towards empathy. Empathy is about
being vulnerable with people
in their vulnerability. It's about being with folks.
If you slide that nob on continuum,
you know over to shame,
that vulnerability is worse. That's when
"I can't let you see these pieces of me,
because I fear that it will cause disconnection."
courage, compassion & connection
courage, compassion & connection
3 of the big questions
I wanna answer in my research.
Where shame and vulnerability and empathy
are central. Have to do with courage, compassion and
connection. And so, I'd like to
kind of go through each of those.
The first one is 'courage'.
When courage first came into the English language,
it had a very simple definition.
It comes from the latin word 'cor',
which means 'heart'. And courage meant:
to speak your mind with your heart,
to tell your story.
I think over time that definition has changed
in terms of the way we use it.
But if you think about courage, and I use
the term 'ordinary courage', which I read
in an article by Amy Rogers.
If you think about ordinary courage,
telling our story, how do we do that
in a 'culture of fear'? Shame,
shame breathes 3 things:
fear, blame and disconnection.
So how do we practise courage in a culture
where we are incredibly afraid
of not fitting in? How do I tell you
my story about those imperfect moments
in my life? About the time when
I was just not the mom that I wanted to be?
About the time, when I really screwed up
at work and lost the client?
That I have a partner who is deep into addiction,
and I am afraid for people to know, because I don't want them to stop
caring about my partner, or question my judgement,
in terms of being with him or her.
How do I tell this story, which is the only
way that we get out from underneath shame,
in a culture, where belonging, and fitting in
and being accepted
are so critically important?
So, we're in this culture right now what hasn't changed for us as people?
It's the fact that we're wired for story.
From the beginning of human time
you know, we are wired to tell our story.
We are not born to keep our, to keep secrets,
we are not born, you know
hating things about us, and not sharing them
with other people, we are born to tell our story.
So it's not people who have changed,
it's the culture that has changed.
And so how do we embrace
and share the imperfections that make us
who we are, in a culture where we are afraid
to not fit in?
The second piece is compassion, and that is
really an important way we're related to a story,
because stories are
only a form of connection when someone is listening
and hearing us. So how do we have the courage
to tell our story, but then where do we find
the compassion to hear other people's story?
You know, one thing that's really important
to understand about shame is that
while it's universal
and all of us have it, it's trigger for all of us
in very different way. May be for me it's about
body image, or parenting, or sex, or addiction,
for someone else it might be about providing,
money, aging, religion.
One thing that's universal about it
is just listening to shame can be shaming for us.
So when....
if you would have shared your story with me,
how do I stay open, and sit in that with you,
as opposed to moving into blame and judgement?