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John Pinette - Food Comedian - Part 4/6

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Now I like Green tea. They said we have sandwiches with the tea. Okay. They served me tea sandwiches... Somebody already ate most of mine. And this one just has cucumber in it. That's pickle, that comes on the side of the sandwich. Take this back and put a sandwich in it. Then they bring me a scone thingy. And it was good... put jelly and butter on it. Bring 37 of these. You don't eat much around here do ya? I thought breakfast, breakfast would be okay. I ordered oatmeal. They said, -"We don't have oatmeal, we do have porridge." - Porridge, Mmm -"Have you tried porridge?" That's what they used to give out in the Charles Dickens workhouses. -"Please sir, I want some more." -Porridge, that was Goldie Locks and the Three Bears porridge. Remember Goldie Locks said hot or cold I ain't eating this shit. I didn't like the porridge. Some people love it and that's okay. I ordered a bacon and egg sandwich. Sounds okay right? But the bacon in England is all wrong. Now I know bacon... I think you know, I know bacon. Was about this thick and it wasn't cooked properly. When I look at something -- and go, "You know what that's not healthy." You can take that to the bank. So I wouldn't eat the bacon and egg sandwich. I ate the side-dish with it. A side-dish in the morning for breakfast: hash-browns -- home-fries, perhaps fresh fruit. Nay nay! They give you beans in the morning in England. Oh good... lets start me off in the morning. Empty stomach, cup of black coffee, and some beans... Now lets walk me around London for a little while. Get me all churned up... Put me in a taxi and see what happens. I blew the doors off a taxi. They thought it was a bombing. I heard (sirens). The driver slumped over the wheel. The sound the gas made he thought he had been shot. Then I heard, -"If he farts again, shoot on my command." -What are you giving me beans for? My ass is now considered a weapon of mass destruction. Later after the bean incident. We had Indian food. We went to an Indian restaurant -- the people were very nice. They told me though this is "Vandalo", I do not think -- you know what it is, it is not like "Tandoori", Tandoori is mild but this is much -- hotter, I think that you probably (screams) The Curry Chicken ran through me like a bullet train. I wasn't at the table 5 minutes... "Where's the bathroom?" "Way over there huh..." "Here's my credit card, I'm going to be awhile." I don't think I can pucker my butt checks together any more than this. -"John are you okay?" -"Don't touch me!" "Don't touch me!" "Please do not let me go in this lobby." "I will get a call from the American Embassy." -"Mr. Pinette, you do know these people are our Allies." -"What are they giving me the Indian Food for!?" And there was a long line for the bathroom. They served all of the Curry at once. They shouldn't do that, they should -- stagger it. You could hear Indian music coming from the bathroom. ( screams ) That's not a Sitar, that's the sound of flames shooting out of your ass. I looked like the Batmobile. ( screams ) Moving on to France. I worked in France about 5 years ago. I did a movie there. Pinette is actually a French name. My ancestry is French and Irish, my stomach is Italian. But having a French name in France, they don't care. Lumiere was not there when I got off -- the plane. -♫"Be our guest, be our guest."♫ No... I still enjoyed France and I would go again. And the food was, amazing... Their wreckless disregard for how bad butter is for you never failed to impress me. They give you cheese a lot though. I had cheese though every meal for a week. I didn't do well with that. -"Look what we have for you, some more fromage." - I don't want any more cheese. I'm piling Metamucil and (inaudible) -- and you're giving me cheese. I would like to go to the bathroom this Millennium. Some of the French cooking can be very different. I went to the Hotel Le Negresco. Oh tres bien, you have to go to the Hotel Le Negresco. Very limited menu... They had a "pigeon", that's a flying rat. Why are you charging $100 for a flying rat? So some of it is very different. And I was on a movie set most of the time -- and there's catering on a movie set. We would have breakfast, but in France they don't really have breakfast. They have like a croissant. That's it... There's a box of Croissant's, everybody grabs one and it disappears and breakfast is gone. Like you go (bewildered gaze), " Where's breakfast? What do you mean it's over?" They have a Croissant and a cup of coffee, that's breakfast. I have a Croissant and a cup of coffee on the way too breakfast. Where's breakfast? Breakfast is called - Petite déjeuner - which means NO FOOD TILL NOON. And the caterer on the set, it was like a mom and pop kinda thing. And they would have -- on entree for 40 people. And sometimes they would serve rabbit. 40 People are coming over to your house you go, "Everybody like rabbit, right?" I was horrified. It wasn't rabbit disguised as chicken, it left nothing to the imagination. It's a little bunny! A Little bunny is dead. Can't do that... And you know they'd serve like a whole fish, I just wasn't into it. I was eating bread -- you know which is really good for me. Little bread, little cheese. We would go out on the weekends and we went on a wine tasting. And I went with a French crew and I went with an attitude, you know I drink Tequila. These people can drink wine for 12 hours and drive a school-bus. After the second hour the subtle differences in the wine started to elude me. Red, White, Boone's Farm, Apple... They like, -"Which one did you like better? The Margaux, Le Taux...?" - I don't remember getting in the car. I remember, sitting on top of a piano, smoking. I don't smoke... ( ♫ Sings in French ♫ ) Later that afternoon I wound up at a nude beach. Let me tell you the nude beach story. I technically wasn't naked I was covered in sunblock. It was that Sunblock 50 and it doesn't rub in so I looked like a car that hadn't been buffed out. And you have to put sunblock everywhere... Everywhere... I found out there's a fine line between rubbing lotion on yourself -- and rubbing yourself with lotion. I think I crossed that line. We're in the South of France and on the weekends we had off as I said -- so we'd go to an Italian restaurant in the South of France and I love Italian food. For three weeks I'd been saying "We have to go to Italian Food." Finally we go to an Italian restaurant. And somebody that's been there for 3 weeks -- listening to me "Oh I love Italian Food, it's my favorite" -- says, -"Next week we should go to Italy." - Well we're working we can't. What? Do we have time to fly to Italy? - "Oh no, it's a 45 minute drive from here." - Oh it is! [ agitated ] Well get in the car! 45 minute drive! We're down the street from the Motherland. Took me 11 minutes. ( ♫ Singing Italian ♫ ) I could have ran it in 45 I speak a little Italian too. I know how to say Sono Affamato. It means, "feed me I'm hungry". I can say it in 27 languages. I can write it in hieroglyphics if I have too.

Video Details

Duration: 10 minutes
Country: United States
Language: English
Views: 2,744
Posted by: quickok on Aug 15, 2011

Nay Nay - Part 4

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