Identify and Roll with Resistance_Final

>> Hi there. Earlier in this module, you learned about change talk and sustain talk. There's also what's called resistance talk. In this lecture, you'll learn about the different ways that clients express their resistance, and how you can pick up on and expertly respond to these types of language cues. We'll go over eight common styles of resistance talk and how to handle each one. The first is minimizing. This is when your client suddenly plays down their problem or a lack of progress. Minimizing occurs when your client has already established that their goal is valued and that there's urgency and importance to the actions involved. But then they start acting like it's really not that important to them after all or they don't really care about their lack of progress. Minimizing statements often start with, "I'm not that..." Or "It's not that..." Or "I don't really..." Or like, "I'm not that out of shape, I don't really need to exercise. It's not that bad if I skip out on running the 5K." Instead of challenging them which can spark defensiveness, we can deal with minimizing by simply pointing out the discrepancy in their attitude and gently bringing their awareness back to their change talk. By doing this with a tone of curiosity, we imply that we're just curious and not judgmental. Coming from a place of curiosity allows you to actually look at what's going on because it opens up your client to exploring and finding meaning that you or they might, otherwise, be closed off to. You could say something like, "When you first started talking to me about getting in shape, you said that it was a priority and now you're expressing that you're feeling okay the way you are. What's changed for you?" The second component of resistance is arguing. Arguing is a resistance mechanism that clients use to challenge you when they're unwilling to accept an idea or suggestion. Let's say you're talking to your client to figure out what's going on with their digestive problems. You ask them if you can make a suggestion and they welcome your recommendation. So you say, "Well, this may not be the case in your situation, many of my clients have found relief from similar digestive issues by eliminating gluten from their diets." So your client says, "I don't care if that's worked for them, I know that's not what's going on with me. I've eaten bread my whole life, I'm not one of those delicate, fancy, celiac people. I think that whole thing is a crock." Yikes. What do you say to that? You might be really tempted to comeback at them with some research and evidence to demonstrate your knowledge and support your position, but this lands you straight in the expert trap. It's kind of like the saying, "The customer is always right." Your client is the expert on him or herself, so arguing a point with them will not convey that message. Even if you're 99% sure you know what's going on, there is no point trying to shove something down their throat if they're not receptive. Instead, put the ball back in their court. Say something like, "Okay. Well, you're the best expert on yourself. So I'm curious, what do you think is going on? What do you think you could try to get to the bottom of this? We can start there, and if we don't find a solution, I have a bunch of information I can share with you on the effects of gluten if you, ultimately, decide to consider this as a potential offender." You can gently challenge them to come up with their own solution by taking on an experiential exercise, like keeping a food journal so that they can let their experiences speak for themselves. Even if this takes more time, you've supported your client's autonomy at their own pace, and taught them how to investigate and take control of their own health. The third component is blaming. This one is easy to catch. This is when your client blames a poor outcome or a lack of progress on another person or external factor. Blaming is a detrimental type of excuse for your clients to adopt because they start placing control outside of themselves. If your client starts off explaining their behavior with, "It's not my fault..." Then you know they've just taken a train to Blameville. How often do you hear your client say things like, "Well, it's not my fault. I had a healthy dinner planned and then my partner came home with a pizza, I mean, he should've known better." Now unless her partner came home and literally force-fed her pizza, which likely didn't happen, this blame is unfounded. The world is constantly happening and we don't get to control it all the time. The only person we do get to control is ourselves, and the only thing we get to control about the world around us is our perception of it. When clients start blaming their lack of follow through on the people and situations around them, they're surrendering their power of choice and making an excuse for the outcome. So when your client's going to blame mode, you want to raise their awareness, but you don't want them to feel like you're blaming them in the process. This will instantly shut them down. If you tell your client very matter-of-factly, "Well, you see, you did have a choice to eat the pizza." It'll come of sounding pretty judgmental, but you also don't want to validate the blame and say, "He should've known better than to bring home the pizza." Or else, you're reinforcing the belief that she's controlled by her environment. So what can you do? One approach that I like to use is to show empathy in a reaffirmed autonomy. By showing compassion for your client's struggle and in championing them to remind them that they are always capable of being in control of their own actions, you help them to make better patterns moving forward by positively reinforcing their capabilities. A way to do this could sound like, "Wow, that's definitely a tempting situation. I know how hard it can be to resist the smell of pizza, especially when it's right there in arm's reach. Unfortunately, these kinds of challenges will inevitably come up for you time and time again in the weight loss process. Well, it can feel like you have no choice in these situations, remember that you always do. I've come to see that you're a really strong and determined woman, and I totally have faith in your ability to act in line with your goals next time you find yourself in a situation like this." What do you think? This is a great jumping-off point to now have your client explore why she chose to eat the pizza, and use this experience as a learning opportunity for what's going on with her emotional eating. The fourth piece of resistance is pessimism. It's normal for your client's enthusiasm and confidence to ebb and flow as they work on achieving their goals. But when they start resorting to pessimistic statements about themselves and their process to dismiss their commitments, their uncertainty has started to turn into resistance. When your client starts saying things like, "What's the point? I've tried to lose weight before and nothing ever seems to work." You've got a situation where they're resisting to push forward by using the past as an excuse. How can you instill the hope back in them? You don't want to tell them that everything is going to be okay or just cheer them on. This can feel dismissive because you're not meeting them where they're at. What we recommend you do is empathetically sit with your client to let them explore the feeling. This validates their concern. But once you validate them, it's time to move forward into a more positive and productive space. You can do this by calling their attention to the point that them being "Destined to fail" is a belief and not a fact. Let me show you what I mean. In response to your client who feels like they'll never succeed at losing weight, you could say something like, "As someone who's been there myself, I understand how hard it is to lose weight, and how hopeless it can feel when you backslide time and time again. Tell me more about what's going on for you right now." At this point, you'll listen with empathy to meet them where they're at, then you'll hold their hands, so to speak, and lead them out of the trenches by reminding them that their goal is obtainable, and there's no certainty that they'll fail. So you could say something like, "I understand you've tried other things in the past that haven't worked, so I can see why you feel like this time around is destined to fail as well. But I'd like to challenge you to see that this is a belief, not a fact. Are you open to considering that this time, it may be different?" This will open up your client to the idea that their doom and gloom is fear-based and not evidence-based, which opens the door for hope and possibility. The fifth component of resistance is excusing. Making excuses for our behaviors is something we all do. It's so easy to notice them from the outside but often, when we are the ones doing it, we're convinced that we're trapped by inevitability, not that we're taking an easier path out. Excuses sound like, well, excuses. Your client might say something like, "I know I should exercise before work but I have so much trouble waking up early and always find myself rushing to get out the door no matter what." The magical word to listen out for with excuses is "But". As soon as our clients start to explain themselves, they're not owning their actions. So what should you do? Well, you want to validate that their struggle is real, but you also want them to take ownership of their actions and to realize that they'll need to come up with alternatives if they're not willing to hold themselves to the commitments they've made. To do this, you can call them out on their excuses if you have enough rapport established, but you'll want to take care not to convey judgment or disappointment. Your clients will feel down on themselves when they're not being accountable. There's no value in making them feel worse. So the formula here is validate, champion, and challenge. An example of how to do this might sound like, "I totally get how finding time in the morning to exercise can feel hard at first, but I see how capable you are and I'm confident in your ability to make this shift. You've expressed to me that you feel really committed to your fitness goal and that something will need to change in order to incorporate this into your busy life, so what's it going to be?" Or if you want to take a more balls-to-the-wall approach, you might say, "Look, if I was your friend, I would probably let this slide and agree with you because mornings are tough. But I'm your coach, and as such, I'm holding you to a higher standard. You told me this is your goal, and we're both committed to you achieving it. So which do you want more? Those extra 20 minutes of sleep or losing that last 20 pounds?" Here, you've gently challenged your client and then lifted them up, leading them to work change talk with no room to get defensive. Number six is ignoring. Sometimes, you'll raise a question or make a suggestion and your client will completely ignore it and change the subject. What's up with that? If your client is avoiding something, there's probably a good reason behind it that you'll want to explore. Letting them dismiss your remark is the easiest way out for both of you but it's not going to be productive. You don't want to force them to talk about something they don't want to discuss. Remember, they're the one who's leading, but you'll want to stop and acknowledge it before moving on. Let them finish talking and then say, "I'm happy to talk with you about stress reduction but first, I noticed that you skipped over my question about how your big date went. If you don't want to talk about it today, that's totally fine though I'm curious to understand why you chose not to address it. Would you feel comfortable sharing with me?" After that, there is no need to force it. If they really don't want to discuss whatever the subject at hand is, but at least you've raised their awareness to the fact that they are choosing to be avoidant, and that it's worth taking a look at what's going on underneath the surface. Oftentimes, the things we avoid are where the juicy transformation is waiting to unfold. Number seven, interrupting. Some people tend to be interrupters, and that's just their conversational style. Sometimes, our clients interrupt because they're really excited about something and they can't wait to share, and that's fine. What I'm talking about here is when a client cuts you off hastily because they're being defensive, argumentative, or dismissive. This can feel intimidating to new coaches and also challenging as their growing intensity can peak yours making you want to take a defensive stance in return. But as coaches, we need to keep our cool at all times. A good way to proceed is to calmly remind your client that they're ultimately the one in charge, but that they'll get more out of coaching if they approach it with an open mind. So, for example, if your client cuts you off mid-suggestion to say, "No, that definitely wouldn't work." You could say, "That's cool. My suggestions are just that. Suggestions. You know what works best for you and what doesn't, and it's entirely up to you to choose what you want to do. However, I find that my clients who get the most out of coaching are the ones who are willing to have an open dialogue around what they do and don't like about the different options. With that said, would it be all right if we took a moment to explore your thoughts against this before moving on?" In this example, you've gently held up a mirror to your client's dismissiveness and resistance without awkwardly putting them on the spot. Finally, number eight is sidetracking. Sidetracking is similar to ignoring. In that, your client dismisses what was said and shifts the topic elsewhere so to avoid the discomfort of sitting in the hot seat, so to speak. Sidetracking is different than ignoring because your client will try to leverage their lack of progress or follow through by drawing your attention to some other area in which they feel worthy of validation. Here's an example of what I mean. Picture this scenario. You've been working with Brooke to help her improve her eating habits. Last session, she tells you it's a priority that she cut sugar out of her diet. You discuss with her at length what a sugar detox might look like, and she willingly agrees to go home and try it out over the next week. So when you see her, you say, "So, Brooke, how did the sugar detox go?" And she responds with, "Well, I tried, but I didn't exactly do the best job. But I did eat a ton of vegetables, so how about we talk about that?" What do you do here? Do you let Brooke lead and abandon all of the sugar-talk? Do you stop her in her tracks and ask her why she failed her detox attempt? What would you do? In scenarios like these, we suggest that you briefly validate the alternate effort as permission to return to exploring the original topic, and remind the client that they never let you down, only themselves. And so it's okay to get honest when things don't go well even if it's uncomfortable. So let's see what this looks like in response to Brooke. "Brooke, that's fantastic that you've upped your veggies this week. I'd love to hear more about that, but first, would it be all right if we explored what went on with the sugar detox? I want to remind you that it's okay to be open with me if things don't go well. You don't owe me anything, and you can never let me down, you can only do that to yourself. And if you're feeling down about feeling stuck, it can actually be really good to talk about it. So with that said, I'm curious to hear what your experience was like this week." With this kind of approach, you've reminded your client that you're standing alongside them, not above them. And you've opened up a safe space for them to explore what went wrong. Okay, now you know all about the eight types of resistance that coaches most frequently encounter with their clients, and how to roll with them so that your clients can keep moving along in a positive direction. Do you remember what they are? Let's recap. So we've got minimizing, arguing, blaming, pessimism, excusing, ignoring, interrupting, and sidetracking. I hope you'll walk away from this lecture today feeling more equipped to handle resistance with ease and professionalism. To help you further your success, we've included a worksheet, Roll with Resistance, to help you practice how to work through your client's resistance. Go ahead. Give it your best shot, then post a picture of your assignment on the Facebook group page to share your answers. I'll see you later.