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John Pinette - Food Comedian - Part 5/6

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I can write it in hieroglyphics if I have too. I can back in a time machine, I want my ass covered. In Italy, if you speak a little Italian, they like to help you. They kinda got a kick out of me. In France you have to speak French perfectly -- I stayed in a nice hotel in France and I was like, "Excuse me do you know where -- I can get breakfast? (speaking French)" You know what I'm saying you little bastard! You're watching CNN in English. Where is breakfast? So we went to this little restaurant. The waiter was the owner, his name was Luigi. And, he got a kick out of me saying "Sonno Affamado". -"Hey look at you huh... Son of a bitch is Sonno Affamado." "Giuseppe come in here, Say it to Giuseppe, say it." -"Sonno Affamado" -"Hey look at you huh! We gonna feed you you gonna explode all over the wall." You know what else I can say? I can say I'm dying of hunger. They love that. "Giuseppe, Morto di fame." "I'm a Morto di fame." I don't want his mother to see him like this, Morto di fame. He said, "I don't think you're Morto di fame." There is no such thing as an all you can eat buffet in Italy, that's just the way it is. I asked him if we could order, he said, -"No. You're not going to order yet -- first we bring out some food." -"Go back to France and pack my stuff." I thought he was going to bring out an Antipasto, a nice classy thing to do. He brought out Antipasto, fried Calamari, Potato and Yoki, Pollo Guisado -- Eggplant Marinate, then he says, -"Now we come and take your order." -You're not scaring me They brought out food for hours. We were fighting amongst ourselves. -"Stop ordering, this is enough." -"I didn't order this" -"I didn't order this either." -"They're just bringing out stuff." -"Let's get out of here." Half way through the meal, we had a friend with us, Timmy. He was too skinny. He shouldn't have come. Half way through the meal he died. They kept on trying to feed him, they were smacking him -"What's the matter you don't like it!" -"He's dead!" Pass that over here. Poor Timmy. The third hour you know how when you're full you unbuckle your pants a little bit? Mine went down around my ankles. And they were coming with more food... And I'm trying to get out of there. I'm running out in the street with my pants down... I'm getting a little exercise. Then I'll be back for dinner. Cuz it was awesome. I like cruises for a vacation. Yeah... I was on a cruise in June and the cruise stopped -- in Jamaica. (Crazy lady laughs) Yeah? You're a good laugher crazy lady. She's had some laughs that were good. But some of them were like, -"I'm going to kill you, hahahaha." -Well listen to this then you're going to shit. Have you been to Jamaica? Yeah... In Jamaica, a gentleman came up to me and said, -"Hey man you want some spliff?" -No I can't smoke pot. If I smoke pot I'll eat this island. I'm not talking about hitting a buffet or two. The island will be gone. I'll be something of Folk Lore. -(Jamaican Accent)" I remember it came out of the jungle, the Great Beast." "I knew by the stone looks in his eyes that every ting wasn't gonna be eire." ♫ He was a buffalo eater, no buffet no cry, no buffet no cry ♫ I was on a cruise and I had to meet the cruise ship half-way. I perform on cruises sometimes I really enjoy it. Yeah... I do... It's a floating buffet. So I had to meet a cruise ship in Cozumel, Mexico. Now Cozumel is beautiful -- but it's difficult to get to. I had to fly from Vegas to Cancun, Cancun to Cozumel -- You can go two ways. You can go across water on a ferry. Now that's different a ferry -- I looked at the ferry though and it's a Nay Nay ferry. It's one of those ferries -- that tips over once a month, everybody dies. These ferries tip over all over the world. You know what it is? They fit 50 people. They put 400 on it. It tips over and they're shocked. -"What happened?" -"There's going to be an investigation." -What are you putting 400 people on it for? Don't you have a clicker? ...49, 50. Wait for the next ferry please. So the only way for me to get to Cozumel from Cancun was to take a commuter airline. Air Cozumel. Flying is part of my job, it doesn't bother me. But little propellers on a plane like WWII -- they ask you how much you weigh. If it's that close I ain't going. And it's nobody's business. I said about 180, I'm not sure. Well one lady freaks out (speaking in Spanish) and she runs... Good. More room for me crazy lady. I understand that it is real hard to work in the travel industry. Especially in this day in age. And comics make fun and bitch about flying. But I know that people work hard. And I try to be kind and gracious when I fly, but I'm in this chair and I'm not too big -- the plane is too small. And I'm not a happy man. I've lost my cherub like demeanor. The gentleman next to me, I'm in his lap. He's on his cellphone -- "Hello mijo, I don't think I'm going to make it. There is a big guy next to me -- and I can't feel my leg." So I try to move cuz I don't want to kill this guy. His son will avenge him. I'll be at baggage claim. I'll hear, -"Hello, my name is ElNeyo Montoyo. You kill my father. "Prepare to die." The flight attendant comes by and says, -"Fasten your seat belt." Why? The seat belt buckle is lodged in my ass and it's pretty far up there. I'm thinking it should hold me. You know like a tail-hook on an aircraft carrier. I might have shot out, but I would have sprung right back again. Then the flight attendant comes back by again and says, -"Excuse me sir, you're in an emergency exit. Can you get that door open?" -What do you mean if the plane crashes will I open the door? Nay Nay. I'm going to go through the door. My door is going to be this big. Everybody is gonna want to go out through my door. And I'll be fast. You'll think a Gazelle is loose on the runway. You all will be on fire and I'll be in the Terminal eating a taco. "I was on that plane. I don't remember much. I smelled smoke, and now I'm eating a taco." I was on a cruise ship in 1998 that crashed. This was in the newspaper. It was off the coast of St. Martin. St. Martin is a beautiful -- island in the Caribbean. It has rocks around it. Big rocks. We're going to call them bad rocks. Everybody knows about these rocks. Christopher Columbus had a map, 1492, "there's gonna be rocks right there." The Captain came too close to the island and we hit the rocks. You know how like the Titanic hit an Iceburg? We hit rocks... Well why is he hitting rocks? Don't you have a rock finder thingy in the steering room? Shouldn't something flash "Rocks!" "Rocks!" Rocks!" My friend has a bass boat, he never hit a rock. The Titanic I can understand. No technology. Some Irish sailor in front going, -"I can't see shit, it's just a lot of white is all it is." It's 1:30 in the morning so I'm at the Black Jack table. All of a sudden I start to go like this (leans to the left) And I said, not screaming or anything, hey you know we're sinking. "Can I get a shot of Tequila over here?" And everybody got mad at me. They were like -"Oh you're trying to scare us." -"Did I walk in here like

Video Details

Duration: 10 minutes
Country: United States
Language: English
Views: 1,308
Posted by: quickok on Aug 15, 2011

Nay Nay - Part 5

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