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SESAME STREET on *CRACK*!!!!

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-Do not try to adjust the picture. -A new form of television is here. -Hey, what's up, you... whoa, I am not focused. There we go. 'Sup? Today's topic is going to be school. A place where I spent most of my life unfocused. And I wasn't exactly what you would call "popular". Actually, I was usually called-- -Fat, stupid, unattractive, creepy, serial-killerish. -Okay, Mom, you need to stop interrupting my videos. -Hey, chillax, homegirl, okay. I'm just here to remind you and your audience that I am single and ready to mingle. I like long, stumbling midnight walks from the bar to my car. I like laying in the bathtub, listening to jazz music, while we explore each other's bodies, like two archaeologists looking for bones. Maybe we can even find a T-rex. -Get out! -Cock block! -Anyways, school was tough. I would usually end up wearing my lunch more than I would eat it. -Hey, Shane, you know what you should do? Run for class president. -But I would never win. Everybody hates me. -That's not true. -Oh, really? Hey, Mark. -At least it was just one. At least they didn't throw poop. I'm gonna shut up now. -[spits] Yeah, I had poop for lunch on many occasions. Sometimes I attribute my weirdness to all the TV shows I used to watch. Maybe they would've taught me more life lessons if they had a different host. [children cheer] -Welcome to All My Little Girls and Little Boys and Little Whatever the Fuck You Supposed to Be. My name is Mrs. Shanaynay and I'm gonna teach y'all a little something about life. [children cheer] I wouldn't get too excited. I mean, life can be rough. Life can be like a big nasty fat prison inmate fucking from behind with no warning and definitely no lube. But today, I'm gonna teach you some things that hopefully make your life a little less of a, "Oh, shit!" And a little bit more of a, "Ooh, shit." -Are you a boy or a girl? [gunshot] [both scream] -Lesson number one: stupid people get their ass shot. Story time! [children cheer] Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful princess who was born with hair so long, it reached the floor. Okay, now that's a load of bullshit. All right, you cannot have hair that long and be natural; you gotta buy that shit. Either that or go to India and scalp a bitch. Anyways, she fell in love with a poor jobless slave that lived nearby. What? Oh, hell no. Okay, I am sorry but if you get between these hips, you better be packing between your wallet lips, homie. I cannot be with no broke-ass motherfucker. What if he rips his condom on my piercing and he knocks me the fuck up? I can't afford to have a baby by myself and I definitely can't have another "miscarriage" because I already had 19 this month. I mean, if I shove anymore coat-hangers up there, I'm gonna look like JCPenney's on Black Friday, you know what I'm saying? And they lived broke as a damn joke and unhappily ever after. The end. Today, I wanna give y'all some life lessons, like why you should never fuck a Samoan. Why aliens abduct little children in the middle of the night to do testing. And why even though gay men can be fun, fashionable, and cute, the sex they be having is pretty disgusting. I mean, I don't get it. That shit feels like you pooping backwards. You know what I'm saying? I feel like you do. Oh, and let's not forget about the N-word and how much fun it is to say. Let's everybody say it! Ni-- -Cut! -What? I thought it was going good. We was about to play with knives. [both scream] -Yeah, maybe not. Either way, I would spend a lot more time in a guidance counselor's office than I would in an actual classroom. And she wasn't the best at listening to my problems. But hey, at least it wasn't like Paris Hilton or something. Can you imagine? -So, tell me and Tinkerbell your problem. -My parents said if I didn't get straight-A's, they're gonna disown me. -My parents said if I got straight-A's, they would buy me Africa and kick out all the black people so I could use it as my own personal tanning bath. -I just feel like nobody ever listens to me. -Damn it, Tinkerbell, you won again, you little bitch. [barks] What were you saying? -[growls] -I don't know what's wrong with me. It's like every time I look in the mirror, I think I'm fat. -Think. What do you see when you look at this? -A butterfly? [ding!] -That's correct. What about this? -Kim Kardashian? [buzzer] -I'm sorry. The answer is fat whore. -And the worst is I'm addicted to watching porn. -Have you watched mine? -Yeah. -What did you think? -Eh, it was okay, I guess. -Get the fuck out. -Yeah, could've been worse. Either way, I made it through school and came out normal. -Ha! -Shut up, Mom! So, here is my question for you: what is your best and/or worst school experience? Leave all your comments and video responses in my crotch. Ooh, also, speaking of school. Take 180, the company that's helping me fund my pilot, I worked with them on a bunch of cool videos, and one of them is up now. It's called Greased Twilightnin'. I may or may not play a crazy Twilight fangirl. It's up right now. Go check them out and support them, 'cause hey, they're supporting us. Without them, the pilot would be pbbt! It would actually be more than pbbt! It would be... Exactly. All right you guys. I'm gonna go. Have a good weekend and I'll see you next Saturday. I'm gonna go finish up season one of Wizards of Waverly Place. I'm just kidding. No I'm not. See you guys later. Captioned by SpongeSebastian [both scream]

Video Details

Duration: 6 minutes and 36 seconds
Country: United States
Language: English
Producer: Shane Dawson
Director: Shane Dawson
Views: 462
Posted by: spongesebastian on Sep 1, 2010

From ShaneDawsonTV. (Captioned using UniversalSubtitles.org)

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