The Kalevala (According To Scott Sandwich)
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The Kalevala
There's this lady and she's pregnant
but there's problems so she's sad
Then a duck comes and lays an egg there but then the egg breaks and the world's born
Then that lady's baby's kicking; it's unhappy in her tummy
It prays to get out but the gods don't help him
Then he gets out and he sees the moon.
Now, his name is Väinämöinen
And he sees that the world needs trees now
But the oak is being stubborn so immortals come and help him
And it grows
And it's so massive, then some guy comes and chops it down
But that's okay because it was magic
And then an eagle lands in the tree
Now some other kid thinks he's the coolest but Väinämöinen knows he's better
So when they fight the kid gets clobbered and Väinämöinen wins his sister
But the sister in unhappy so she cries and noone likes her
She keeps weeping and then she drowns
And a rabbit sees the whole thing and tells her family
The mother cries a river and the rabbit says:
"I am so sorry you had to find out this way."
Väinämöinen goes out fishing
Gets a fish and tries to eat it
But the fish the dead sister and she's pissed that he tried to eat her
So then lonely Väinämöinen tries to go and find a woman
But the kid from before is still feeling vengeful
Tries to kill him with a crossbow
But that would destroy the planet so instead he kills his horsie
From the horsie to the water Väinämöinen is all wet now
But the eagle from the forest saves him from the flowing waters
He meets this chick who makes him do things
She's a witch: her name is Louhi
And she wants a magic piller which the Finnish call a sampo
Väinämöinen doesn't have one
But he knows a guy who makes them
So Louhi gives him a sled and a horsie as long as he promises never to look up
And he says, "I promise I will never look up."
Then he looks up
And he sees this rainbow
And this other chick says, "Build me a boat"
But this goblin comes and chops his knee off
Which stops the progress of the boat building
Väinämöinen's leg is bleeding
He sees a doctor
Stops the bleeding
Then he asks his friend to help him
He's a builder named Ilmarinen
He builds the magic sampo
Gives it to Louhi in exchange for marrying her daughter
The daughter doesn't want to
So he goes home
And then it's over.
Kind of.
Err...
Because there's also Lemminkäinen
He's a man who likes to punch things
But he always wants a flower
Man of many contradictions
But the flower is a woman
And she's lovely
But she hates him
But he takes her anyway
And then he has his own way with her
And if that weren't bad enough
He tells her she can't even go out dancing
But she really wants to go out dancing
So she dances in the village
Lemminkäinen's pretty angry
So he wants to move out and get his own place
So he gives his mum a hairbrush
...
I don't understand that bit either, but that's what happens
Go on: sue me.
Lemminkäinen goes to battle
And he casts a spell on all the attackers
Except for this one guy: Markahattu
Who's just a shepherd, he's not worth it.
Markahattu conjures up some serpents
And it kills Lemminkäinen
And Markahattu's all like: "FUCK YEAH."
Lemminkäinen's now a dead guy
And his mother tries to find him
But his body's all in pieces
So she puts him back together
Wakes him up
Makes him come home
And he does (but pays no rent).
Now back to Väinämöinen
He's still right back where we left him
Building boats for magic women, but the boat is taking ages
So he tries to use some magic but the spell is missing pages
So he kills a bunch of creatures but he still can't find the pages
So he asks this girl to help him
And she doesn't really help him
Accidentally visits Limbo
Or maybe hell
I couldn't tell you
(... Some parts of Finnish don't translate very well to English.)
Anyway
He escapes using some magic
And he tells everyone:
"Don't talk to helpful girls."
Then he meets this giant
He gets eaten by the giant
He holds the giant stomach hostage in exchange for the missing magic
Giant says, "Yeah! Here's your magic!"
Väinämöinen builds his boat
In the boat he goes off sailing, tries to woo this pretty maiden
But behold!
It's the same maiden loved by builder Ilmarinen!
So they just both decide to woo her, and be happy with whatever happens
Väinämöinen wins the lady
But the lady still says, "No."
So Ilmarinen gets the lady
But to go to bed with lady he must please the lady's mother
Which, again, is tricky Louhi
She makes him do things that seem unlikely but he does them because he's awesome
So he wins the hand of lady
Väinämöinen learns his lesson:
Never woo in competition... especially not against younger men
So Ilmarinen's gonna be married
So for dinner at the wedding they get in this huge, delicious oxen
Not the largest
Not the smallest
But still, it was freaking massive - bigger than most oxen
(... So it's definitely not the smallest)
But they can't seem to slaughter it, just like in Hotel California
But there's one guy who can do it
And he's also a brewer!
So there's cheap beer at the party
And they get in a wedding singer, and it happens to be Väinämöinen
Louhi sends everyone invites
Except for Lemminkäinen because he's been a bit of a jerk lately
And the wedding is really good.
Lemminkäinen hears the wedding
And, of course, he's kinda pissed off
He feels he should have been invited even though he's not related (... though he's pretty much a rapist)
So he turns up to the feast and they tell him it's over: "Too late!"
But he still wants his ox, and food things
So they get him a beer with snakes in
He drinks the beer despite the snakes and then he puts a sword through the face of the guy who owns the place
And he flees in disgrace
(Well, he turns into an eagle and he goes into hiding just like his daddy did before him)
But THEN he gets into trouble (... But it's nothing much exciting)
All that happens is he comes back to find that his home has been turned to rubble
He thinks his mum died, but she's hiding
So he wages war on the bad guys
But it gets too cold, so he just gives up.
Now, Untamo is the brother of Kalervo, who's another
They fight like normal brothers
But this leads to genocide
Except for this one girl who's pregnant
And she gives birth to another Kallervo, who's a kind of reincarnate of the previous Kalervo but it's spelt a little different to the brother of Untamo
He'd be sold away to science
But back then there was no science
So he works for Ilmarinen (... he's the guy that had the wedding)
His wife needs a herdsman 'cause she's got a lot of cattle
And she's really good at milking
But Kallervo thinks he's better and deserves more than just being a herdsman
So instead of trying to climb the corporate ladder
He just tries to kill her
He does this by convincing her that all these wolves are cattle
And she milks them to discover she's now dead
There was no udder
Turns out wolves are dangerous dogs
But now Kallervo's feeling awful, so he moves away to Lapland
He finds his family, but no sister
(Which is fine, because he never met her)
Then he meets this pretty lady, and he woos her with his penis
And it turns out she's his sister
And they get sad and she kills herself.
So he blames the whole thing on Untamo
So he goes to war, and it was easy, and he kills him
But he forgot about his mother back home
And now she's dead and that's his fault
So he kills himself as well.
Now Ilmarinen's gone a little crazy because bachelors are lonely
He builds a wife made of gold and silver...
But she's not so nice to snuggle
So he shows to Väinämöinen, Väinämöinen thinks she's awful, and he tells him:
"You're a dick."
So he looks for other options
He finds the sister of his dead wife
And for some reason she's not happy to be forced into this marriage
So she's really nasty to him, so he just turns her into a bird
He thinks back to that time when he built the sampo
And he knows that it will make him happy
So he calls on Väinämöinen, who then calls on Lemminkäinen, and they meet up with Ilmarinen
Journey of the Heroes Three!
And the three set sail together and they crash into this big fish
Which they kill
And Väinämöinen turns its bones into a harp.
Then they find the magic sampo, but the owners want to keep it
So they attack the three great heroes
Tough guy minstrel Väinämöinen, plays his harp and sings a ballad
Casts a spell on all the fighters
And then they get away into the sea really easily
... But the seas are really choppy
And along comes Iku Turso, who's this crazy, psycho monster!
He tries to kill them...
... But he doesn't bother because they're pretty much home free.
Now Louhi counts her assets.
She finds the sampo thingy missing
And she's sad and shitty because she liked it
So she tries to kill the good guys
But in all of the confusion accidentally breaks the sampo and is stabbed by Lemminkäinen
But she survives and swears revenge
Väinämöinen doesn't care though, because he's a hero and immortal
And she's just a crazy bitch.
So she gets these little babies with some pretty little namies:
Cramps and Colic, Gout and Rickets, Cancer, Boil and Scab and Plague
And she sends them all to Väinämöinen who is immediately inflicted
But he gets into a sauna and his people are all saved.
Now Louhi's really angry
So she sends a great bear to attack them
But Väinämöinen scares the bear though: it falls off a cliff, no more problem.
Then he looks up and he realises he can't find the sun or the moon anymore
So he tells Ilmarinen to build a fake sun and a false moon and hang them from the treetops
But it doesn't really work well, because they're not designed to hang from treetops
So Väinämöinen uses instincts based on his immortal powers to find out where the real sun is hiding, and if the moon is hiding by it
And it turns out Louhi has them
(... That was obvious in hindsight.)
So he kills and chops the heads off Louhi's guards and her nightwatchmen
And Louhi gives the sun and the moon back as well.
Meanwhile
There's this desperate lady, and she eats a berry and she's pregnant
And she has the baby; it's amazing!
Väinämöinen wants it dead now.
(Smooshed against a rock or something.)
Then the kid (who's just two weeks old, mind you) says:
"Oh, thou ancient Väinämöinen, son of folly and injustice, senseless hero of the Northlands: falsely hast thou rendered thy judgement!..."
"... In thy years, for greater sins and misdemeanors, thou wert not unjustly punished!"
Blah blah blah, yadda yadda.
(The kid basically says, "Don't kill me, you bastard!")
Väinämöinen says, "... Okay,"
"I guess I'll just sing for everyone?"
And he does.
(With much rejoicing.)
Same with us, because that's the end of the poem!
... And that's the Kalevala!
Now I'll just... walk into the forest.