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Looking at Ourselves to Help Our Children Heal

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Looking at Ourselves in order to help our Children Heal There is a piece in understanding our children that is absolutely profoundly critical for our children to heal and succeed, and that is the parents’ willingness to look at themselves and what they bring to the relationship with the child. Many parents come to us seeing their child’s behavior but they don’t realize that the relationship with the child is a two-way dance. They may do a step that causes the child to do a different step. Some parents say, “I’m doing a lot of what you say but my child is so controlling and I’ve tried all the skills you’ve talked about. So I ask, “Is there any way that you are controlling?” and the woman admitted, “Yes.” She adds, “That’s my problem.” Sometimes we have to explore our own attachment styles and parenting strategies. Maybe we are parenting the way we were parented. There was some research done in England. They took women prior to adoption. They did the adult attachment interview. They took the results of that interview. 3 months after the placement of a child in their family. They did a research test called The Manchester Story Completion Task. With this task, the child is asked a set of questions where they problem solve. It could be something like-- “Tommy wakes up in the middle of the night and he hears a loud noise in his bedroom and he’s scared. What does Tommy do?” What we’ve found in that research is that a child whose parent was not secure in their own attachment used aggression to take care of their fear. “Tommy got a baseball bat and he looked for the bad guy and he beat up the bad guy.” But a child whose caregiver was able to be emotionally available, called secure in their attachment, that child said, Tommy got up and ran into his parents’ bedroom, got in bed with them and said I’m scared.” We can never forget when we look at our child’s behaviors that our family is a mobile. If we are pulling, everything is moving and if we are pushing, everything is moving. The only expectation we can have for a child is that we will love them, serve them, and give ourselves to them. What we have to do when we look at our child’s behavior is say, “ “This is a two-way dance. What did I bring to the dance?” Before we deal with what is in our child’s step, we have to understand and deal with our own. Many godly people are devoted parents, but their history stands between themselves and their child. Everything that they see in their child, they see through this lens of their history or they see through the lens of their wounding. We will never be successful in helping our children heal until we see that child in front of us. That will require that we do the journey of healing in our own lives. Maybe we didn’t get to do it before our child came home, but we have to be committed to doing it with the child in our family. We can’t lead our child, where we haven’t gone ourselves.

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Duration: 4 minutes and 1 second
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Language: English
License: Dotsub - Standard License
Genre: None
Views: 1
Posted by: jholden on Dec 18, 2017

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