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The Basics of Non Violent Communication 1.1

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The Basics of Non Violent Communication with Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD The following presentation is from a 1 day Introductory Workshop held in San Francisco, CA in April, 2000 Part 1: The Purpose of NonViolent Communication & Expressing Observations and Feelings The first let me begin by clarifying the purpose of the Non Violent Communication: Its purpose is to help you to do what you already know how to do. Why do we need to learn something today that you already know how to do? Because, sometimes we forget to do this. We forget because we've been educated to forget. Now, what is it that I'm talking about that you already know how to do? The purpose of this process is to help us to connect in a way that makes natural giving possible, natural giving possible. What do I mean by natural giving? Now let me do you a song to make it clear what I mean by natural giving. ♪ I never feel more given to ♪ ♪ than when you take from me ♪ ♪ when you understand the joy I feel ♪ ♪ caring for you. ♪ ♪ And you know my giving isn't done ♪ ♪ to put you in my debt, ♪ ♪ but because ♪ ♪ I want to live the love ♪ ♪ I feel for you. ♪ ♪ To receive with Grace may be the greatest giving. ♪ ♪ There is no way that I can separate the two. ♪ ♪ When you give to me I give you my receiving. ♪ ♪ And when you take from me I feel so given to. ♪ You all know about giving. You know how to do it. and that's what I'm interested in. By remembering to stay with that quality of giving, moment by moment, in any connection, but we also all know that it's easy to lose it, it’s easy to lose that connection so that, instead of enjoying that quality of giving, which is possible in every moment, in every contact we have and in despite how precious that is, we forget. And instead of playing the game that that song is about which I call "Making life wonderful" (It's the most fun game I've never heard), instead, much of the time we play another game called "Who's right". Have you ever played that game? [people laughing] It's a game where everybody loses, so, isn't this amazing? That we all know this quality of giving that the song was about it's possible every moment. We find that the richest thing to do and much of our life we end up playing "Who's right". Now the game of "Who's right" involves two of the most devious things human beings have ever come upon: One punishment. See, 'cause if you are wrong in the game of "Who's right", then you deserve to suffer. Can you imagine a more diabolical concept to educate people? So, if you haven't already abstained from punishment, I'm sure that by the end of the day that will no longer be a part of your consciousness, no more punishment. You won't do it in your families, we’ll get rid of it with criminals, it just makes things more violent, We’ll find other ways to deal with other nations, besides punishment. No more punishment. No more reward. It's the same game. It's part of the game of "Who's right". If you are right then you get a reward, if you are wrong then you get punishment. No more. No more. It has created enough violence on the planet. No more guilt induction, see no more shame no more concept of duty and obligation. Just what the song is about: natural giving. So, how did we get off target? We got off target, according to Walter Wink a theologian who writes in his book "The powers That Be" we got off target about five thousand years ago... we lost... we got off target because we started to get some wild thinking wild thinking that human beings are innately evil. When you believe that, that human beings are innately evil then, if things aren't going as we would like, what's the corrective process? The corrective process is penitence. You see people as evil and you think the way to bring about change when people are behaving in a way that you don't like is to make people hate themselves for what they are doing, so for these political reasons and theological reasons we started to develop a language that I call "Jackal Language", you see. It's a language that cuts us off from life and makes it very easy to be violent, very easy to be violent. In fact, in that book I mentioned, Wink says that "In domination cultures one of the things you have to educate people is to make violence enjoyable" and we've done a good job of that. We make violence enjoyable in our culture. For two hours a night, from 7 to 9, when children are watching television the most, in seventy-five percent of the programs they watch the hero either kills somebody or beats them up, you see? so we... And when does is happen? Well, at the climax of the program so we've been educated for quite a while to make violence enjoyable, so... even though I know I think what that song was about is what is really closer to our nature that's natural giving. We've been educated to make violence enjoyable and educated in a way we can even be violent to our children. So what is "Jackal language" like? See "Jackal language", as I’ve mentioned, it’s a language of moralistic judgements. Think in terms of 'Who's right' 'Who's wrong' 'Who's good' 'Who's bad' and we have mentioned change, yes, we want change at times so how do you get change in the Jackal system? Watch a parent trying to bring about a change in a child. This is a parent teaching a young child to say one of the most important words in Jackal: "Say you are sorry!" "I'm sorry!" "You are not really sorry. I can see you, you are not really sorry!" "hu hu hu, I am sorry" "Ok, I forgive you!" Can you imagine a game like that? Can you imagine a parent responding to a child in that way? and if a parent is gonna do that to a child in their own family, what are they gonna do to people from other culture who behave in a way they don't appreciate. So of course you're gonna have violence wherever you have this kind of thinking. In cultures that do not have this thinking you don't see violence, you see. So that's how we got off target even though we could be playing the game "Make life wonderful each moment", we've been educated for quite a while to play another game: "Who's right" So what are the parts of this game of "Who's right"? I've just mentioned one of them: one part is moralistic judgements learning how to go up to our head...

Video Details

Duration: 9 minutes
Country: United States
Language: English
Views: 450
Posted by: diana.g on Nov 9, 2011

This is the video The Basics of Non Violent Communication with Marshall Rosenberg (founder of Nonviolent Communication). Nonviolent Communication is not about speaking in a certain way but about speaking from at certain point of view.

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