May 6th 1st CUT

What you got is Covid 19? For real? Oh yeah! I was tested positive, not only sick. One day I got really sick when I was in Geneve Midway during work I got really sick I couldn't continue the meeting It was noticeable how sick I am. my manager cancelled the meeting. I was feeling very dizzy. But I have fibromyalgia, so I thought maybe it is a new attack I don't know about or so. I called many people, but they said Corona symptoms are accompanied by fever. And I didn't have. So I thought it is definitely fibromyalgia. But then I was sure it is Corona because it was the peak. It was hard to breathe and a lot of pain. But it was without a fever or flu-like symptoms And your body fought against it? When I called my doctor in Brussels, after I left the quarantine he told me that he didn't expect that I will survive it. Generally, I am not a person who can express her emotions well. When I speak about my feelings, I don't do justice to them And I feel this towards the experiences even more. I allow my soul to experience, Experiences are spiritual to me, and this is why it is really hard to translate it into words. And speaking about it, decreases its spirituality. So I do not know if I will be able to speak about these "beautiful" times of our life. Especially that recently, I have decided I should spend more time with my family, sisters and nieces and nephews. And these last few months, I got the chance but it was way too much time than planned, because of the lockdown. And my family and I have grown to be different, and the too much time we spent together in the lockdown made us notice these differences We both became really different Both of us continuously get astonished of how different we became. We maybe don't say it, but we both know that we are confused at each other. My sister felt that there is something wrong. Rufaiydah, my sister, told me once "I feel sometimes that you are very attached to pain and to a lot of old stories and memories, and sometimes I feel that you are very different. So this confuses me about you." I usually don't have an answer or a response, Because this sentence overlooked years Years where we weren't together and we had different experiences and exposures Also as I mentioned, a big part of these experiences are spiritual. And it is hard to explain it. It is important to live away from your family at some point. This allows us to explore ourselves and feelings for real. This is something I always feel. especially that I am staying here (Belgium) I was never really bothered by it, I didn't start feeling that its an obstacle except when I started thinking about getting children. Mona (my friend) and I were speaking about this because we were speaking about children. I believe that if I got children I will be always concerned about their identity. Will they have an identity of their own? Will I really be able to let them have their own identity? Or will I want for them to be of a certain shape? Because regardless of how much I speak about and value genuine self exploration, I know that I still have an authoritarian part in me. So why should I do this in the first place? My "moment of truth" was when I decided that I will not get children, although I want nothing more than being a mother. But I think I don't have enough energy to be one. Another moment of truth was when I decided to stop attempting suicide. And just stay till the end of the party. And see what will happen. The moment when I decided to be healed. For myself only, not for Mama or Abduallah. Every time I attempted to get treated was for Mama or Abduallah. I always thought that they both deserved that I try to get better. Mama deserves that I don't break her heart. And my relationship with Abduallah is too good to be true, as I sometimes describe it. The only obstacle in the relationship was depression. Depression most of the time didn't allow me to enjoy this beautiful thing I have. My friend sent me a gift from Egypt A necklace that says "Stay strong for yourself" When Mama was taken, everyone who is close to me thought that I will dissapear. But actually, it was different I don't know at this moment I was acting as Gehad or as Huda (mom) ? I felt like I was acting as if I am Hoda. Whoever called me, I picked up. And I welcomed whoever visited me. I realized that I am the only one of my sisters who could speak up. And at this moment, it was like I wiped out everything and convinced myself that I am alright. Not because I have to, but at the time I didn't think if I shall breakdown or not. I had no option but staying strong. I kept dealing and acting with this attitude maybe even till this moment The thing that I was caught on constantly, was that I need to breakdown After a while of what happened Especially, after a year passed I felt that I needed to breakdown. I wanted to try and get professional help and try to start feeling okay I don't know the feeling of being okay This numbness of feelings was so confusing At moments where I felt I had all what I could have wished for But I feel nothing... From the things that highlighted and caused me to see this feeling was last summer before leaving Egypt in August 2018 We went to the north coast, all as a family, with mom and my sisters and their children we were in a very nice villa by the sea My husband, Abdullah, wasn't there But it's okay, I can accept it. It wasn't causing me an obstacle because I was used to it that I am either with him or my family. The place was really nice My nieces and nephews were so sweet We spent together very nice time There was nothing in the world that can put me off from this atmosphere to the point that I would go to the terrace and smoke on my own I was at peace to the point that I bought beer and was drinking knowing well that my family is around. What I mean is that I was able to do anything I want there weren't any detail that can get me mad When we were back to Cairo, I went to my Psychiatrist and had a breakdown that why I wasn't feeling happy all the circumstances were the best I didn't give myself excuses not to be I did all what I wanted to. The doctor has an explanation that it might be a moment of sadness that I didn't live. probably a moment from 2013. He says that when our mind blocks feelings it blocks both sadness and happiness I feel like there is a wooden frame hanged on my heart and the the nails are hurting. written in the frame " the stranger doesn't come back". The thing I am attached to the most is to be in Egypt. Every time I would go back I would act like I am living there. But I knew that it wasn't the case, and that I am there only for a while or couple of days. And I know that I won't be able to live there anymore. And that everything I am dealing with whether its papers, researches, documents I know is just in the papers. But I wont be able to live with this society all the time. We are too exposed to the west and too attached to the east. When we were young and we would watch "Amr khalid"( a prominent Islamic figure) and we would get excited about his preaching about that you should not be normal and that you get to be more and different and to feel that it's a fault or a flaw to be normal You know I always pray and ask god to give me the normal people's life At the end, I like that every human do what they are comfortable with If someone is already living their normal basic life why should we push them for otherwise? why should they go through this suffering of leading the conventional life what would have happened if we all just had a basic life got 3 or 4 kids living beside our moms and made weekly visits to them and our biggest worry is getting the kids to and from the sporting clubs what would have happened if it was so? without all the scenarios that we had to go through not that I regret taking the different path or anything I lived S: Hmm, not regret. I never regret anything and I don't know if that's something bad or good I also don't feel super human and that I had a different journey and that this has to make me feel a sense of achievement and privilege It's not a privilege it's a curse or so how I feel about it You know the two phrases that is told to us when we are children " faith thrown into the heart" or " Faith is snitched of your heart" I lived these two meanings in their literal sense I took off my hijab on 16th of December 2016 A week after that I traveled to back to Egypt so my family would get out of their scare and that they get to now that I am ok as you said earlier their are a lot of things that can change in our lives but not all of it can be shared with our parents as a curtsy and mercy on them We have passed the phase of arguing and disagreeing over everything to prove ourselves and so on... for instance, my family knows that I smoke but I will never face them with it or smoke in front of them Regrading the fasting subject I have a very beautiful memory between me and my mom I spent the first week of my last Ramadan in Egypt it was back in 2018 My mom knew I wont fast so on the first day of Ramadan she asked if I am going to fast I replied her :"No I wont" she asked me if I would like to try I told her if I want to try I will S: When was that again? that was in 2018 Mom knew before hand that I won't fast On the next day, I woke up to find that she prepared me a breakfast meal at that moment I felt that I am really only her daughter despite anything in the world It really touched me I looked to her and said that I feel that all these years efforts didn't go to waste It was such a great moment really one of my greatest moments that I have lived with mom We would also speak about politics and she would say that she wonders what triumphed the revolution or us S: She would say what triumphed meaning what? meaning that the political wave or the parents themselves that they are more accepting and open now For instance, I speak with my mom about the unconditional love between us since 2011 That no matter how much we disagree we love each other and nothing can change that I also stopped getting into quarrels with my parents since 2012 Mostly the arguments were political before disagreeing about anything else At the end, I feel that I took from my parents enough love Till the day my mom was taken, I was 26 at the time she would wake me up in the morning sing for me, spoil me so the most thing I did take from my family is love, care, and expression of this love at any chance For me, the best person that exemplifies this abundance of love to your kids is with my maternal grandpa He was a very liberal and open person He wouldn't interfere in any of his children's choices He would tell them I am here only for support. My uncle choose to immigrate from Egypt My Aunt was a stewardess for a while, then worked in the government and my mom choose the religious path and Muslim brotherhood group He wasn't interfering in any of their choices He would just give them the reassurance, that he is there for the support and that they will face the consequences of their choices alone. I always saw that and still see that this is the ideal model for upbringing Later on, I spoke with my friend when I decided to take off my Hijab I told him I was sure of my decision He told me okay but deal with your mom's reaction, as if she is seeing her daughter running towards a fire hole and she is terrified and want to save her. He told me "visualize that" A month before I take off my Hijab, I sent a group message to my family as in my parents and sisters telling them of my decision and assuring my mom that "I am not an atheist" and telling them that I know you will all be with me no matter what I was in London at the time My dad called me, He urged me not to take this step I told him I am telling you my decision not that we can discuss it. He was so sad and mad at me. Dad closed the line, mom then called. She also urged me not to. . But mom didn't close the line, she continued into the call ,I consider this call as one of the 5 worse things that happened in my life. We said everything that can be said I remember that that I sat down and told her to stop The only thing that calmed me down regarding her reaction was what my friend told me that imagine her in terror for her I am going to fall into a fire and she is trying to save me. she sees the scene like that So thinking in that way really did make me understand her S: What you said about your husband and the moment when you said that your mother prepared you breakfast in Ramadan. Those two incidences, made me think As I can see myself in a more advanced staged than you I am always having these confusions and questions. I went through some of these changes with my brother. We navigated So he knows about whats going on about my relationship with religion and my relationships in general. and so on So I believe we reached there where there is understanding of that change But regarding my family, it's very difficult to open up such issues I haven't seen my mom for 2 years and half My mom has no idea about any of these changes I went through For mom, I am still the same boy from 6 years ago that she used to make sandwiches for before going to school. and the boy that she argues with to go pray the morning prayer in the mosque I am still this boy in her eyes. For me to go and tell her about all the changes is such a big deal. When I tell her that I eat mushroom with pasta she gets surprised, she asks how I am able to eat such a thing. The fact that you already did this conversation with your mom, and that she did the breakfast for you is really great. It is a check point, the most beautiful checkpoint. You know what is an interesting plot twist in what you are saying ya Gehad? The idea of "the success of the revolution" And it is a very strong argument, you have a very strong argument. I always think about it too, about our experience that we have went through all these ideals, then the revolution. And the revolution failed and the the ideals collapsed. And now we are just floating in a liminal world. We are not grounded! I usually don't attach any value judgement to our case or situation. I don't judge it either as a good or a bad thing. But to be descriptive, I find the notion that "we are not grounded" is a strong sentiment I have. Whenever I get a panic attack, I feel like I need to feel grounded strongly. I always feel like "the stuck", We are stuck somewhere in the middle, But look, the idea of whether the revolution failed or succeeded, I am really traumatized. For a long time, I was avoiding to meet people. In my first year in Doha I wasn't meeting anyone except Hossam Sarhan & Tarek, Abdullah's friends. Because I wasn't ready to hear people say that we "failed" "failed" in what? No, I am stuck there because I believe that noway, I am sure it will succeed. Your voice is gone, Do you here me now? Yes yes, your voice is back. So yeah, what were we speaking about? We were speaking about ... Yeah, I was telling you about. the revolution and how I feel, so yeah, I don't tolerate the idea that "it failed" I can't even bear to hear someone say so. Trauma is a big part of this of course. I have a denial of what happened. I am continously reminding myself that we are just in a "pause". And this is stupid, I know. Actually this is one of the reasons I still insist on continue studying and being in academia, in political and social sciences. This is just another attempt for me, that maybe when I see things in theory in front of me, I will be able to accept and deal with reality better. Wait I want to share with you this song ♫ Can you hear? ♪ What is the song's name? Wait I will sent it to you. Gehad, what time you have your suhoor? When do you have your Suhoor? I don't fast Is fajr anytime soon for you? Well, it is after couple of hours Since the beginning of Ramadan, I think I fasted only for two days. And I think I only do this probably to connect or not to feel guilty when my mom asks me and I assure her that I am doing things when I am not. Yeah, I feel you. So I fasted on the first day, And few days ago, and I am probably fasting tomorrow. But it is such a poor fast anyway, Fasting but drinking water? No, ha well, I do the water thing too But the few days I fasted this time weren't with water. But well, what to say? So for instance I fasted for a day, and the day after I was drinking. What, can you repeat? I fasted for a day, and after I broke it I drank. Yeah yeah, I did this too in my first Ramadan in London, I did this a lot. So what is your plan now? What about your stay in Saudi? I found a ticket today finallyy! Oh for real? Yeah, Can't you tell that I am happy? The Belgian Embassy contacted Abduallah, and they are dealing with us as residents well I have the study residence permit. They told him that there is a flight from Jedda to Paris On the 9th. And from there I can go to Brussels! When is the flight? On the 9th of May! I was thinking to do a birthday for Abduallah, but I am not sure if I have the energy. Oh, when is Abduallah's birthday? On the 5th of May. And the flight is on the 9th? This is almost after 10 day.