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-Hey, what's up you guys? Welcome to a brand new episode of Shane & Friends. And I know what you're thinking... "Wow, Shane, does your hair just look like a freshly circumcised penis when you wake up in the morning or do you have to do that?" What can I say? I'm blessed. So before we get into all the craziness, quick announcement: there are still a shitload of good tickets for the live show slash meet-and-greet slash whatever you want to do baby. That is coming up January 18th in Florida so if you're anywhere around the Florida area, even if you have to drive over a couple states, come and see me. I'll make it worth your while. Have you ever run your fingers through a freshly-circumcised penis? Your creepy dream is about to become a reality. All the information and a link to the ticket website is in the crotch. And without further ado, here's the brand-new Shane & Friends. -You're watching Shane Dawson & Friends Where the excitement never ends So open your ears, sit down, and relax Or Shanaynay will bust a f--king cap in your ass [gunshot] -Hey, guttersluts and bubble-butts. I'm here to give you tips on making the whole world know yo' name. That's right, I'm gonna make you famous. -These are Shanaynay'z Tipz, motherf--ker -Now I'm not talking Julia Roberts something or Sarah Jessica what's-his-face. I'm talking Snooki, Heidi, Paris, OJ because you know when you say those names, everybody knows who you're talking about. Except that last one, 'cause it's kinda like we're talking about juice? Anyway, there's three ways to get famous. Step #1: Spread a disease. Now if you get crabs or herpes or fingers-crossed full-blown AIDS, make sure to hook up with the most famous person you can. When it hits the Internet that you gave The Situation an itchy-situation, you will be a front-page bitch. But he's not really a good example, 'cause you wanna start with a clean slate. Step #2: Kill somebody! Now, if OJ has taught me anything, it's that killing people will make you a star. I mean, look at Halle Berry. She only paralyzed somebody in a hit-and-run and now she is solid B-list. But let's keep it real; if she would've backed up and gave it one more crunch, she'd be A-plus. [horn honks] Number 3: get naked. Now who the fuck were the Girls Next Door before Playboy? I'll tell you who. The girls down the street giving -- for crack. But now they're naked all over the world and they are making money hand over fist. Kinda like they were before, but it's more money and less sticky. Look at Paris Hilton. I mean, before her sex tape, she was just a dumb bitch with crooked toes and a tiara. Now she's a dumb bitch, with crooked toes, a tiara, and a record deal. You know why? Because she followed all three of my tips. I know what you're thinking, "Shanaynay, she didn't kill nobody." Well she did kill my eardrums with her last album and that it good enough for me. Good luck and I will see you on PerezHilton.com with cum drawn all over yo' face. -Oh my, oh my, oh my, God Oh my, it's Ask Paris -Dear Paris, my girlfriend won't let me put this in her ass. What should I do? -Well, I suggest that you let her put the bat in your ass, then, after you realize how much you like it, she can leave you and find somebody not as creepy. -My boyfriend hasn't texted me in over three minutes. What should I do? -Well, I think your real question should be, "Dear Paris, I'm a compulsive liar. What do I do?" Because you obviously don't have a boyfriend. -I wanna suck dick as good as you do. But like, where do I get started? -I would start small, like with baby carrots or maybe an Asian guy. -It's Ask Paris -Ah-ah-ah-ah. -Aunt Hilda's Home and Garden Show -Oh, sorry I'm late. Last night was crazy. Went to a bachelorette party where a midget sucked up a quarter with his butt. Oh, hey, didn't see you there, thanks for telling me, Jew. So let's get started, shall we? Let me tell you a story. When I was a kid back in the '80s... -Ha! -Shut up, Jew! I didn't have any toys. Not because I was poor, but because my brother was a sociopath and he used to dismember them and stick the body parts up his asshole. It was kind of funny at first, but then it got weird. So I had to make my own toys. Toys that weren't "ass tempting." Hey, that should be the name of Justin Bieber's new album, right? Oh, I kid, I love her. I love making toys out of household items. So today I'm gonna show you how to make a doll out of a toilet paper roll. I'd use this a lot when I was a kid, because... well, you know the story. So first you need to get a roll of toilet paper. I like to use something rough to the touch, so I got public bathroom paper. Now I don't recommend actually using this I mean, unless you're like me and you have buns of steel. No literally, I have buns of steel. My brother knife-raped me when I was five and now I have a steel plate up there. I mean, it sucked at first, but now it's kinda cool because every time I fart, it sounds like a harmonica. [harmonica plays] Now it's time to make the doll's face. I like to use a Sharpie pen because it's toxic and it makes my brother less likely to butt-slurp it. Now that you have a face, let's add some hair, shall we? Now I like to use real hair, but I don't like to buy it 'cause I'm cheap. So I usually just empty out my razor into this tub every week. That's only half a week's worth. It's winter. So after you give it a beautiful hairdo, it's time to give it a name. Hmm, I'm gonna go with Kesha, 'cause just like her career, this will soon be in the toilet. See you guys later. -If your life is a major bum Get some Wisdom from Shane's Mom -Remember children, there may be a lot of no smoking signs in public, but there ain't no no-masturbating signs. Happy fingers. -Ned's Nerd World, Ned's Nerd World It's time to get techy in Ned's World -Hello, citizens. Today in Ned's Nerd World, I'm gonna be talking about smartphones. Most people want iPhones or Droids. Me personally, I want the BlackBerry. Mainly because I don't have one. And I found I get enjoyment from things I don't have because really, I've never had anything I've ever wanted in my entire life. When I was born, I wanted to be a girl, but that didn't happen. And now that I'm older, I want girls, but that doesn't happen. When I was 8, I joined the peewee football team. [football players grunt] After three years in a coma after the first practice, that didn't happen and all the jocks hated me. [heart monitors beep loudly] Then when I was 14, I wanted to meet my hero Steve Urkel at the mall, and when I did, I found out he wasn't a nerd. And he was really black. Then when I was 16, I wanted to get my very first car. I saved up all summer and I finally found a great deal online. 'Course when I got there, there was no car. Just a big Mexican tattooed man holding a broomstick and now I have to wear adult diapers the rest of my life. What was I talking about? Oh yeah. Smartphone. I just want a BlackBerry Curve, because it sounds like something fucking awesome I'll never have. Just like women or cars or Steve Urkel. And I want them so bad. But I'll wake up every morning with the realization that I'm still a nerd and I'll never get them. I'm gonna go to the bathroom and cry. [weeps] -This is S-Deezy's G-Spot You better take his advice or yo' ass'll get shot. -Yo yo yo Welcome to the G-Spot with me, S-Deezy. Now this episode, I wanna talk about something really important. It's whether or not to believe your bitch when she goes, "It's okay to stick it in me. I'm on the birth control." One wrong move and you can be a baby daddy and ain't that some bullshit. It's easy to tell if she's lying man. All you have to do is jerk her purse when she at work, and then you start looking through-- -Deezy, we actually got a girl for your demonstration. -Well man, I purposely picked this one so I don't need a girl. -So you don't want to meet a sexy chick, Deezy? -Pbbh, what you calling me, gay? Ha-ha, I ain't gay. Man, bring this bitch in, of course. Bring this bitch in. Yo bitch, you on that birth control. -Of course I am. I can't wait to feel every single inch of you. -What the fuck is that? See what I did there man? I cause a diversionary tactic. Now I can search through this bitch's purse and see if she on that birth control. And what do you know? Bitch ain't got no pills. Man, now I gotta search the purse and cover the gurse. Gotta put a beany on my wienie. I like to rhyme, I'm a rapper. You know what else rhymes with gurse? -What? -Fucking me. -Ooh, Charizard! -Dizzy, did you just cum? [gunshot] -Now it's time for Shane's Question of the Day -All right you guys, the question of the day is pretty obvious. What is your new year's resolution? Make it realistic. Not like, ooh, I wanna marry Justin Bieber. Try to achieve something that's possible, like I wanna marry one of The Suite Life of Zack and Cody kids. They're kind of like Bieber, except they kind of look like German women. [sexy music plays] Whatever your resolution is, leave it in the comments section and you could win, dadadada, a Shane Dawson Hot Topic shirt. I don't know why I said I like Kermit the Frog. Fuck it. [as Kermit]: Shane Dawson Hot Topic shirt. All right you guys, have a good week. I will see you next Saturday and one thing before I go. Jesus power! [explosion] -Got a little advice from Shane & Friends Hit the thumbs up button Or Shanaynay will f--king kill you Captioned by SpongeSebastian

Video Details

Duration: 9 minutes and 37 seconds
Country: United States
Language: English
Producer: Shane Dawson
Director: Shane Dawson
Views: 240
Posted by: spongesebastian on Jan 2, 2011

Shane Dawson & Friends from ShaneDawsonTV.

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