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Relationships 2 - Primary Food

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[Rosenthal] People, relationship affects everything. If people are—it just really affects everything. And the area of marriage and relationship has been under major, significant change in the past 50 years, which leaves a lot of people very confused. If you think of millions of years of evolution, and you think of the male being the protector and bringing home the bacon—the food, and then the woman, she's at home looking after the house. Her safety was not assured. She was looking after the children, and this is millions of years of going that way. Up until the 1950s. In the 1950s we were still "Father Knows Best," and mother was cutting out the sections of the grapefruit for the family. That's the way it basically was and had been for all of time. Very rapidly afterwards came the 60s and women's liberation, birth control, burn the bra, and women took on their own power, their own confidence—women in the workplace started happening increasingly in the 70s. And so, although it's not talked about, there is a considerable amount of confusion about, "What is an ideal relationship?" "What is the male-female connection?" "How does it work?" Today marriage—in the old days marriage was you married whenever— in your teens—and you died in your 40s, and that was it. Today people marry later and later. Never have there been so many people who are unmarried or single. And if you do marry, it's not like a 10-year, 20-year deal. As we live longer, marriage means you are going to be with that individual person for "til death do us part," which could easily be 60, 70 years. And there is not a lot of coaching or advice that happens for people in the area of marriage. If you need your car fixed—millions of people. If you need your taxes done—no problem. If you have a crisis in marriage, which is the cornerstone of life, there are very few people to go to. And you almost feel like—if you're going to someone— there's something wrong with you. Which to me doesn't really make sense if this is the cornerstone of life it's worth cherishing to assure the continuity of that relationship. There are way too many people today walking around with single parents—children— a lot of things going on in that way. So we provide a listening place where people can open up. So we generally—within your training you will be trained to ask people, "So how are you doing in the area of relationship?" And what you do is you just listen. You will start to see that people will get themselves well by themselves. They will start to tell you, "This is going on." "This is going well. This is not going well." And through their speaking and through your listening they will solve major issues by themselves. As women were freed up from the home, women entered the workplace and started to experience the things that people experienced in the workplace. They began to wonder, "What's going on here?" "Who am I? How can I be the best me that I can be?" And women are basically the ones who fueled the personal growth and development movement. Almost always if you go to a workshop about personal growth and development, or a yoga class, who's in those classes are women. And women have spent the last couple of decades trying to figure out, "What does it mean to be a human? What does it mean to be an individual?" And men, because probably not that much has changed for them since "Father Knows Best" are not really sure what is happening. [laughter] They didn't burn their bra. [laughter] They didn't have—suddenly have birth control pills for themselves. They're not suddenly in the workplace. So not that much has changed and a lot of times it's confusing for men— trying to figure out, "Do I behave more like a woman, or do I behave more like me?" And so this kind of confusion—I think it's important to address. And to be able to understand how that fits into marriage, how that fits into a relationship, and how that fits into the home. The home that existed in the 50s or in the 60s where the family that ate together stayed together— supper at six and breakfast—doesn't exist. Today the home is more like a hotel— people check in and check out at different times of the day, and they all eat different food. So it's harder to keep it together. The energy—just think about it—one person is eating salad and fruit another person is eating burgers, and another person is eating pizza. So the ability of people to stay cohesive diminishes because they are building their body and their mind with different factors—different ingredients. Still it's possible that when people are eating the same food together— telling their stories, "Well what happened today in school?" "What happened today in the office?" There is a greater level of relatedness—more cohesion for the family. So all these are places where you—through just simply asking a question can help people open up, keep marriage together, keep family together in an effective way. Please remember when you are with your client it's much less complicated than you would ever imagine. You sit there. You ask questions. They themselves will find their sessions with you helpful the same way that you just found this session to be helpful. It's that simple. Today divorce is 50%—50% of marriages end in divorce. That's a very, very high statistic. It's actually much higher than that in the non-religious communities. In religious communities the divorce rate is 10%. It's part of the religion that you stay together. So that means—and there are millions and millions of people who are very religious and would never divorce. So that means in nonreligious communities it's actually higher than 50%. Out of—let's say 50—out of the 50% of people who stay married about 50% of those people are not necessarily happy. They are staying married because going back out on the market or dealing with the financial consequences or those kinds of things are unappetizing and impractical so they make the best of it. So then you understand about 25% of people are happily married. So you can then bring yourself into that environment to be able to contribute to people's relationship to help make a larger number of relationships work. So let me show you as an example. Who is someone here who is currently one of those people— married but just hanging in there because—I don't know what. [audience talking] Yeah? Okay. Stand up. [Kim] Hanging in there because it's going to get better. [Rosenthal] Can you stand up for a sec and—you don't have to—no. You can stay seated if you want to. [Kim] Okay. [Rosenthal] Do you want—but if you want to talk, you have to stand up. [Kim] Okay. [Audience laughing then applauding] [Rosenthal] Okay so did you see what I do? You first of all you want to make sure with your client, you're not Mother Teresa. You don't have to work with everybody in the world. And some people are not good clients. So for me before I start—I feel if I get to work with someone it's a major contribution to their life. I want you to feel that way. So before you want to pretest and see, "Is this the right person?" So she said to me, "Do I have to?" And I said, "No." Because it's going to turn out differently if the person is motivated. If they're motivated, they'll get themselves well by themselves. If they're there because their girlfriend thinks it's a good idea for them to be there, "Okay, what do you got to say today?" nothing is going to happen. And the opposite is true—if the person is motivated they're like, "Yes, I'd like my life to be as best as it can be." Well I can tell them in one or two sentences. They're going to walk out there, feel great, and it's all going to roll out. Tell me what's your name and where are you living? [Kim] My name is Kim. I'm from Florida. [applause] [Rosenthal] And so how long have you—how do you feel standing up? [Kim] Tall. [laughter] [Rosenthal] I'll tell you something different is going to happen after this weekend. So how long have you been married? [Kim] Almost 12 years. [Rosenthal] And what is your husband's name? [Kim] Dan. [Rosenthal] Great. And how's it going with Dan? [Kim] Eh. [laughing] What I've said today over and over is, "Marriage is like a rollercoaster." Right now it's good. [laughing] [Rosenthal] Oh, what's going well? [Kim] Me. [laughter] Me being here, I think. I think that as I find my path that either I have more respect for myself and he is mirroring that by having more respect for me or—I'm not sure, but I like it. [laughing] [Rosenthal] Alright. So sometimes what she is saying is [applause] —yes, give her hand. [applause] Sometimes what's problematic in the relationship isn't the other person it's the individual. And for you to be able to take your own life together and say, "Great I'm going to make my life work," and then suddenly the other person can flow along with that. And sometimes they don't. [Kim] uh-hunh (affirmative) [Rosenthal] And so what else? Children, no children? [Kim] We have 13-year old twin girls. [Audience] Ahhh. [laughter] [Kim whispering] They're still there. [laughter] [Rosenthal] Alright. [laughter] See with this client I don't have to do much. She—all those things she's processing in her head a lot while she is doing these moves and she's figuring things out for herself— I don't know what she should do for sure. Right, in her marriage do I know what she should do? [Audience] No. [Rosenthal] No way. So what do you think you should do? [laughter] [Kim] I think I should stay married for now and see how it goes. [Rosenthal] Okay. [laughter] What would you like to see improved in your marriage? [Kim] More communication—higher quality communication. [Rosenthal] Okay and what's the current communication level like? [Kim] Superficial. We talk about the kids sometimes. Our work—our separate work situations. [Rosenthal] And how would you like it to be? [Kim laughing] A deeper— [Rosenthal] Right that was good. You know what she's thinking. [laughter] [Kim] A deeper connection—a more spiritual connection. My soulmate. [laughter] [Rosenthal] More intimacy? [Kim] Uh-hunh, yes. [laughter] So anyway— [Rosenthal] Alright. [laughter] So this is—like for one session that is plenty. You don't have to delve into their sex life or ask all kinds of—but fourth, fifth, sixth session, they're going to be talking to you about it anyway because you want to create a safe space for them. So for one session this was a stretch. Let's appreciate her for doing this. Thank you. [applause] Mostly I want you to see the kind of nonadvice-giving and the value that it is for the client and everyone. Married, not married will benefit tremendously from being able to think through their thoughts in a confusing time about the area of relationship. And that will contribute to your success because you're offering something to them that's invaluable— they don't really know where else to get it, they may not even realize it's okay to get it. But it is natural today, in the 21st century, to have much challenge and confusion in the realm of relationship and marriage. It's normal and that's part of what we offer is to be able to let people know it's normal— let people know when you have children— you know it's called marriage if you don't have children, And it's called marriage if you do have children, but they're two very different things. And a lot of times it's very normal for intimacy to go down— to be reduced when children are there. Women's energy goes to the children. There is so much change that happens, but for people to know it's normal and that there are very simple things you can do to make it work out better. Making dates, going out to places, getting outside support—those kinds of things.

Video Details

Duration: 15 minutes and 53 seconds
Country: United States
Language: English
Genre: None
Views: 6
Posted by: dcoletta on May 22, 2013

Module 5

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