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Russell Peters - Outsourced 2006 - part1

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♪ Ladies and gentlemen, ♪ ♪ ladies and gentlemen, ♪ ♪ please, if you say that, ♪ ♪ gentlemen. My man, ♪ [Mixed] Russell Peters! ♪ Yeah, brothers know his name. ♪ Here he is, guys! Russell Peters! [House music] All right. How you doing? All right. All right, look at you, you filthy downloaders. Look at this audience, man. Everybody. This is cool, man. Everybody. Clearly we got some Asians in the house. That's- I saw all the Honda Civics in the parking lot. I knew you were here. I thought they were shooting <i>Fast and The Furious 3</i> or something. Oh, man, and the brown bastards. Look at you, huh? All right. There's a lot of closed motels in town right now, I tell you that. White people, how you doing? White folks, good to see you. All right, a white guy with a brown girl. Good job, buddy, huh? Her parents must be so happy. Ha ha. There's a brown man with a white woman. Nice, see? Balance. That's what I'm talking about. He's living the American dream. Or at least the Indian dream. [Indian accent] "If I go to America and I get white woman... ...I'm ahead of the game." Latinos in the house? What are the Latinos at? All right, all 6 of you. Good. All right. I don't know how the hell we're in California, only 6 Latinos showed up. And black people? You clap again. Look at that, hey. You got both. You're black and Latino. Your credit must suck. You're...just can't... Oh, man. It's funny, when I say <i>Asian</i> especially in America, when I say <i>Asian</i> people automatically picture in their head [Imitates Chinese music] Which is messed up because India is part of Asia, and we don't get the same credit. When I say <i>Asian</i> people don't go... [Imitates Indian music] We're Asian too, man. When God was making Asians, he made two types of them. And you guys got first choice on looks. And you fucked us on the deal. "Yeah, well, we'll take eyes... ...You guys can have noses and hair" My people are greedy "We heard two! We got two! That's a good deal, two!... ...Noses and hair!" We didn't know it was gonna be big noses and body hair. That's a shit deal! We're a hairy race of people, man. It's hot as hell in India, and we're hairy. Who the hell came up with that deal? I think the God that was making Indian people was having some sort of practical joke with the other Gods. He was like "Hey, guys, come here and watch this. Watch this... ...Buddha, put down the drink! Come here. Come here... ...Ok, look... ...I'm going to take these people here... ...and put them in the hottest place in the world... ...and just for fun... ...I'll cover them with hair." It's hot and we're hairy. Men and women. Indian girls getting mad, pulling down their sleeves "I hate this son of a bitch!" It's ok nowadays that chicks have hair, nowadays chicks can take care of it, you know what I mean? Chicks have hair they don't want, they can get rid of it. All kinds of hair removing methods as There's waxing, electrolysis, threading, there's... laser hair removal. They have hair they don't want now [Imitates electrolysis] It's gone! They're removing it from their assholes now. How hairy were your assholes before this? You know they used to do in the '80s when chicks have hair they didn't want? They used to bleach it. "Sweetheart, we don't have a problem with the <i>color</i> of your mustache... ...it's not like the blond goatie looks better." And the Asians are not hairy at all. Full head of hair on their head, and nothing on their body. Very rarely do you see a bald Asian. Well, unless they shave it off, you know what I mean? Oh, man. When I say <i>Asian</i>, you know what's funny? When I say <i>Asian</i> people automatically think Chinese. People go "Chinese, yes, Asians, Chinese" "That's all they are. All the Asians are Chinese." [Crowd yells "Oooh"] Look at them, yelling out their last name. So proud, that's cool. But... But it's funny. People do think all Asians are Chinese. That's what they think. "All Asians are Chinese." "They all speak Chinese, look Chinese. That's what they are, that's what they do." That's not the case. There's so many different types of Asians. You know what I mean? Sure, you may not be able to tell right away by looking at Asian people You could take an educated guess. Sometimes certain things stand out and you go "I know what kind of Asian you are." But if you really want to learn the differences between the Asian groups, you can tell by when they speak English. That's how you can tell. Now, just to get a feel for the Asians that are in the room tonight Do we have any Vietnamese people here tonight? Vietnamese people? All right, like, one guy hiding upstairs too. [Imitates Vietnamese] Tou mah! Any Koreans in the house? Koreans in the house? All right, that's two closed dry cleaners. Nice. That's- Filipinos? Where are you at? I see you right there. I knew you guys were Filipino right away 'cause you keep staring at the microphone, like there's gonna be karaoke after the show. I can see it too. "I hope this Bombay hurries up with the show please, 'cause... ...I want to get up there and sing." [Imitates Tagalog] "<i>Putang ina</i>, hurry!" And Chinese people, where you at? Chinese folks? Nice. That's good, man. You can tell by when Asian groups are speaking English. That's how you can tell where they're from. I'll give you an example. Vietnamese people, you can tell when they're speaking English, you can tell they're Vietnamese 'cause when they speak English they speak it really fast. Like they know it. But they end up speaking English so fast, that it ends up sounding like Vietnamese all over again. I got cussed out by this Vietnamese guy, this what he says to me, he goes [Imitates Vietnamese accent] "Fuck you, ok, you fucking blow job!" He called me a <i>fucking blow job</i>. Have you ever been called a blow job before? Do you realize if somebody calls you a blow job, there is not one good comeback There's nothing you can say that will sound cool. "You fucking blow job!" "Yeah?... ...So are you." That's why I like different cultures, you know. Different cultures, different words mean different things to them in English, and in their languages are, you know...? Like, I'm from Toronto. In Toronto there's a Vietnamese restaurant called <i>Pho Phuc Lai</i>. P, H, O, P, H, U, C, L, A, I. Pho Phuc Lai. I used to call them when I was a kid just to have the guy answer the phone, you know. "Pho Phuc Lai." "Ha ha ha!" Pho Phuc Lai. Doesn't it sound like a whole new level of lying? "Hey, don't lie! That's a <i>full fuck lie</i>!" "You fucking blow job!" You can tell when Koreans are speaking English, 'cause when Korean people speak English they sound like they're out of breath. Like they just ran a marathon. [Breathing heavily] "You don't... ...make any jokes... ...about... ...the Koreans." [Imitates asthma inhaler] I learned how to count to six in Korean. Not impressive, but it beats, you know, learning how to swear in another language, you know...? The first thing you do when you learn another language, we learn how to curse, right? When we get mad at people when they come here, and the first thing they learn is how to swear at you. You know... We're like "Oh, that's so ignorant... ...Did you hear me walk in a store going <i>Hello, you motherfucker</i>!" That's what he learned, you know what I mean? I learned how to count to six, it's not impressive, but ...and I'm not being a dick, I really did learn how to count to six from my dry cleaner. I did. I will drop my shirts off, and then she'll count them, and I'll count along with her. So I learned, right? I did it. So, here I count to six. Ready? <i>Uhrana</i> <i>Shura</i> <i>Sureeah</i> <i>Puurah</i> <i>Phaibah</i> <i>Shixah</i>! Shixah? Are you Jewish? You can tell when Chinese people are speaking English When Chinese people speak English it sounds like they're chopping vegetables with the words. You know what I mean? [Imitates Chinese accent] "You don't go nowhere quick!... ...Don't say nothing bad!" "Don't say nothing what?" "Bad." How did you just make a short word even shorter? I learned about the cultures 'cause I travel around, know what I mean? I did shows in Vietnam a few years ago. I had a good time in Vietnam. It is a great place. Hot as shit! Hot as hell in Vietnam. Like, when an Indian guy tells you it's hot, trust me, it was hot! Good place. Nice people. I didn't know until I went to Vietnam, that you can actually use a scooter as a minivan. I didn't know. You will see an entire family on a scooter. Like, dad will sit here, right, on the little piece of seat. And a small child will sit there. And then another small child will stand in front. And then mom will sit off to the side at the back like that. And then another kid will sit off to the side this way. And one more kid will face that way. And there'll be three kids doing back flips while he's driving on the street. If you saw that here that'll be stuff you'd see like at the circus, "Do not attempt to do this at home... ...these are professional stunt drivers." And there will be six white guys and they'll be driving real careful. In Vietnam, it's the entire family. Dad's weaving in and out of traffic. [Imitates honking sound] Mom's on the back, eating. [Imitates honking sound] Good place, Vietnam. I did- And if there's any other reason to go to Vietnam, I'll tell you what it is. For their money. The money in Vietnam is dope. Do you know what it's called? <i>Dong</i>. That's the name of their money. Dong. It's worth going there just to have a woman you don't know walk up and go "Excuse me, sir... ...Could you give me some dong?" "Yes, I can... ...Would you like some <i>schlong</i> with that dong?" I love that term <i>schlong</i> Doesn't it sound gross? White guys came up with that term for sure, right? "Hey, dude, there I was... ...as I whipped up my schlong." <i>Schlong</i> Sounds wet. I don't even have schlong. You know, I got a schlurt. I got... Hey, dude, the show's up here, okay? "I'm not a piece of meat." Went to China last year, mainland. Chinese people where are you? Right there? You're over there? You're over here too. Look at that. You Chinese too, bro? - Yeah. Yeah? You looked upset about that. "You Chinese too?" He was like "Yeah... ...I try to do this a lot, but it doesn't work... ...Now I'm a <i>Porish</i>." What's you name, Chinese guy? - Vincent. Vincent, that's what I thought when I looked at you, I was like That guy there is Vincent. Do you have a Chinese name as well, Vincent? - Yeah. What is it, Vincent? - Liung Ay Hyung. Slow down, hammer. I'm not Chinese, you know what I mean? You ain't got to say it all proper for me. [Imitates Chinese accent] "Tung Lor Deah." "Oh, really?" You know Say it again, Vincent. Go ahead, buddy. - Liung Ay Hyung. Leong Eey Hung? You just made shit up. I could tell right there. He was like swallowing or something. Ong Ah... Ah. And you're Chinese as well? So what's your name? - Catherine. Catherine, yes, absolutely. You know those Chinese couples Catherine and Vincent? You have a Chinese name too, Catherine? Is yours as confusing as Vincent's? What is it? Go ahead. - Giu Lay Moi. Giu Lay Moi. "Do I like your what?" "<i>Do you like my</i>... ...Tits." Giu Lay Moi That sounds sexy, man. But that's one of those names you can brag about to your friends, you know what I mean? Like if I said, "Yeah, man, I banged this chick named Catherine." My friends will be like "Oh, who cares? You know?" If I was like "Yo, I banged this chick named <i>Giu Lay Moi</i>." "Did you videotape this shit? Did you-" "Man, it's exotic!" Where are your family- where are your families from? The Bay Area. The Bay Area. That's what I thought when I looked at you. I... But, before that? - East Canton. - Hong Kong? - Yeah. - And you too? - China. - China. Mainland? - Yeah. What part? You don't know. You just accepted it at face value? "Mom, dad, where are you from?" "China." "What part?" "Downtown... ...Downtown China... ...Ok, Catherine? No more questions." Can you speak Mandarin or Cantonese or anything? Cantonese? So they're from obviously a Cantonese part of mainland China, see? See how I did it? And obviously you speak Cantonese, right, Vincent? 'Cause your parents are from Hong Kong. See, I know the difference. People don't know the difference. People just think, "Oh, Chinese people speak Chinese" which is pretty ignorant 'cause there's no language called Chinese. It's like when people tell me "Hey, Russell, how do you say <i>hi</i> in Indian?" I'm like "Well there's no language called Indian... ...so I don't know what you're asking me." "All right, smart ass... ...How do they say <i>hello</i> in India?" "Like this... [Indian accent] ...Hellooo!" Just to clear it up, if you don't know, there's the two main languages in the Chinese culture. Cantonese and Mandarin, and then they have a bunch of, like, small village languages that even other Chinese people go "I don't know what she's saying." And Cantonese they speak in Hong Kong, for the most part, and in and in mainland China, like around Beijing and Shanghai and those areas they speak Mandarin. And now, if you're thinking, if you're picturing somebody speaking Chinese in your head, and it sounds really funny, you're picturing Cantonese. Cantonese's the funnier sounding out of the two languages, isn't it? It's the more flamboyant, you know what I mean? It's the one with the extended-sounding words, you know [Imitates Cantonese] "Tung maaaahh!" When I was in Hong Kong I heard people speaking Cantonese and that was the funniest shit I've heard in my life. 'Cause sometimes they speak and it sounds like they're falling off a cliff, you know? [Imitates Cantonese] "Tung Laaaahhhh!" And if you're not familiar with that language, we wouldn't even know if someone wasn't speaking Cantonese properly. I wouldn't even know if a guy was stuttering when he's speaking Cantonese, you know what I mean? He could be stuttering his ass off, we wouldn't know. [Imitates stuttering Cantonese] [Imitates stuttering Cantonese] [Imitates stuttering Cantonese] [Imitates stuttering Cantonese] You just walk away from that guy "He's speaking his ass off over there." But Cantonese is the more fun sounding language, you know what I mean? When I was in Hong Kong, I woke up in the morning in the hotel I was yawning and I'm walking to the lobby, apparently I said some shit in Chinese. I had no clue. I'm walking through and all I was like "Oohh, aahh!" And the hotel manager ran out "Hey, asshole! You don't swear in the hotel, okay?" "You watch your mouth!" "Be a man!"

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Duration: 19 minutes and 57 seconds
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Language: English
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Views: 3,954
Posted by: lainsloth on Jul 28, 2015

Russell Peters - Outsourced 2006 - part1

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