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Russell Peters - Outsourced 2006 - part4

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But you really have... You know, white folks have been very gracious, and they've opened up their borders and let the immigrants in, and they didn't ask questions. They're like "Alright, come on in, immigrants." "Become an American with us and settle down and be an American." "It's all good. Don't worry about it." We all came in, and white people were very friendly "Nice. come on in. Thanks, thanks for coming." "Sure, sit down. Have a seat. You know." "Be an American with us. It's all good." And you did it very graciously. You never asked questions, and they never said "What do you want here? Here, you get out." They never did that. They just "Come on in, come on. Sit down." "Be one of us." And they did it very nicely, you know what I mean? And you look at the immigrants and you say "Look at all those immigrants... ...so happy to be here." And you think that the immigrants, 'cause they all smile "Hello, Mr. American, how are you?" "Good day, sir." You don't realize that every immigrant that came to this country comes to America and talks shit about you. Every immigrant, doesn't matter where they come from. They can come from Europe, from Asia, from Africa, doesn't matter. The immigrants come here and they talk shit behind the Americans' backs. And I don't like it 'cause I was born in North America, so it pisses me off. but I'm telling you, they all do, and they all say the same thing. It's very irritating. You came from England, you probably said it too. And you're a white lady. See, even white people do it. See what I mean? Every immigrant comes here, the first thing they do is say "Oh, Americans have no culture." That's what they say. That's the first thing My dad used to say it "The bloody Americans have no culture" I go "Dad, they have culture. They have their own thing going on... ...which makes it theirs, which makes it part of their culture... ...which means, they have culture." "No. Show me. What is their culture? What is it? Show me... ...What? What? Whaaat?... ...Whaaaat?... ...What's their culture? Hamburgers and <i>horogs</i> is not culture." "First of all, hamburgers and what?" "<i>Horogs</i>." "What the hell is a <i>horog</i>?" "Horog, you know, horogs?" "You mean, hot dogs?" "Don't try and give it a fancy name now, ok?" But, white people, it's not fair. White Americans, it's not fair that immigrants come here and tell you that you have no culture 'cause you do have things that are your culture. Black American culture is very distinct. You can look at it and go "That's black American culture." They don't need to prove anything. But the white folks always have something to prove, and I'm here to tell you: you do have culture. And it all boils down to music, you know what I mean? When it comes down to music, you have your own thing going on. And it's not like we didn't enjoy your culture too. We enjoyed it, but you enjoyed it more than we did which made it your culture, which made it you. You know what I mean? White folks love certain songs that we all enjoyed, but they took it to another level White folks tend to like the songs that are like audience participation. You know, they don't have to do a lot. "I just follow what that guy's doing?" "That's perfect. We'll do that." 'Cause the jokes are already out there. You know "White people can't dance." That's not true. It's not fair. White people can dance. You just choose to do too many dances at the same time. That's where the problems kick in, you know...? You can't salsa and do the running man. It just doesn't look right, alright? But white folks generally love the audience participation songs. You know what I mean? We enjoyed 'em too. The Macarena. It started off as a Latino thing but then white people got a hold of it and really ran with it you know what I mean? They took it and made it theirs, you know what I mean? We all did the Macarena but white people took it to another level We went "That's a white people's dance." "Good on you, whities." "Enjoy yourselves." 'Cause I like to watch 'em enjoy themselves like that. When they hear their music that they like, they get this joyous look in their eyes I love to see people enjoy themselves like that. There are certain songs. The Macarena. The Chicken Dance. That's the white people's song, man. You know the Chicken Dance. [Humming the Chicken Dance] You losers! [From the crowd] <i>Arriba!</i> No, we're gonna stick with the Chicken Dance for now. I like the Chicken Dance. That's a white people's- [Humming the Chicken Dance] You ever go to a white wedding and they play the Chicken Dance? The minute they play the Chicken Dance that's how you know the dance floor's open. 'Cause white people lose their mind. The bridesmaids "Oh, my God, the Chicken Dance!" And the song's tricky 'cause it gets faster. You never know what's gonna happen next, you know? And then there's the song that I believe is like the white- the white people's national anthem, you know? I was walking down Sunset Boulevard in Los Angeles, and there was this nightclub playing this song. And it was really loud. You could hear it on the street. And white people were walking by and driving by, and they stopped dead in their tracks to do the YMCA. White people lose their mind when they hear the YMCA. Stopped their cars in the middle of Sunset Boulevard, got out of their car, and didn't do it half-assed, like They were like this I was like "Wow, that guy's into it." People were honking their horns. "Move it!" "Go around, asshole! I'm doing the YMCA over here!" He was like And everybody was doing it. And I saw how much joy was in their eyes. And I felt so good for the white people at that time, you know? I saw how much they were enjoying themselves, and I went "Yes, white people. Have fun." And I felt good for you, you know what I mean? And then I started to feel bad. Not for you, but for me and my people, and other Asian groups. Because our alphabet is not set up for songs like that. There'll never be a Chinese version of the YMCA, you know? [Imitates Chinese accent] "It's fun to stay at the..." Hey, thank you very much, San Francisco. Good night. [Host] <i>Russell Peters, ladies and gentlemen!</i> <i>Russell Peters!</i> <i>I think they want some more. Do you want more?</i> <i>He can't hear ya!</i> <i>Here he is, guys! Russell Peters!</i> Alright! Now, since this is gonna be for DVD release, and for Comedy Central. I don't know if this part will be on Comedy Central, but this part will definitely be on the DVD. And this is probably the last time I'm gonna do this joke, 'cause I'm retiring it after this. And... No, no, no! You can have it on DVD, you cheap bastards! Now, listen, when this DVD comes out, I don't want you motherfuckers to go and upload it and then start download this shit for free, alright? I know how you are. Please, go and buy this. This comes out, buy this one. There's gotta be a way to make it un-uploadable. One of you bastards works in IT. I know you do. See that? "I do! I do!" "That's me!" That's right. Now, I'm gona do this right now for ya. Now, white folks, I hope you've enjoyed yourselves tonight so far. Now, I've talked about white people already, and I'm- but I've gotta talk to you a little bit more. 'Cause Because I've gotta talk to you about your parenting skills. Every time I see it on the news, I get really irritated. When I hear them "You shouldn't beat your children." "Don't beat your kids. Talk to them." "Give them a time out." Beat the motherfuckers! That's what I'm trying to tell you. White folks, please beat your children. 'Cause non-white parents will beat their kids. Your dad's a Puerto Rican, your mom's black, they must've whupped your ass for no reason sometimes, huh? "Hey, son, come here." "What's that for?" "I know you did some shit when I wasn't here." Mexican parents will do that "Mira!" They'll beat you, man. Indian parents aren't afraid to kill their kids if they have to you know what I mean? We're the second largest population in the world. Reproduction is not a big deal. My dad's theory was "If I get rid of one, I'll just make another one... ...Then I'll tell the new one what an idiot the last one was." You've gotta beat your kids, folks. Please. And I know a lot of white people don't beat them, but I don't understand why you won't beat your kids. Please, beat them. If you have kids, and you haven't beaten them, when you go home tonight, shit, when you turn off this DVD, I want you to go into your kid's room and "Hey, hey, buddy. How you doing?... ...Hey. Sleeping?... ...Yeah?... ...That's good. Have it here?... ...Uh huh, yeah?" <i>Whack</i>! Just one... <i>Whack</i>, you know. He's already lying down, he'll sleep it off. Don't worry about it, alright? You gotta beat them, and I'll tell you why. Because white kids are now going to school with- with black kids, and brown kids, and Asian kids, and they're going to school with multi-cultural kids. And all those kids get beaten. And they'll all be hanging on the playground, having fun with each other, you know what I mean? They'll be- they'll be talking about the ass-whupping they got last night. Black kid "My dad beat my ass." Indian "My dad beat my ass, too." Asians "I got my ass whupped." Do you want that white kid to feel left out? Beat him, so he's not a social outcast. "I got sent to my room." "You got a room?" Beat them! Please! I'll tell you why you need to beat them. Why else? Because when- when white kids hang around non-white kids, we tend to look at them for advice. And it could get us murdered if we listen to their fucked up advice on how to deal with our parents. I remember when I was 10 years old, I hung around this white kid, Ryan. Ryan's parents never beat him, and they never even yelled at him. He could do anything he wanted, and nothing was gonna happen to him. But he was an angry kid. We walked into his house after school one day, his mom goes "Ryan, go clean your room." "Fuck you, bitch!" His mom goes "What am I gonna do with him?" Well, beat his ass! I go "Ryan, you can't talk to your mom like that." "Yes I can, she's a fucking idiot!" "Don't say that, man. She'll hit you." "No she won't. She's not allowed to." "What are you talking about, dude?... ...My parents hit me." "Yeah, well, next time they try it, you tell them to fuck off." "Are you sure?" "Trust me. It works for me." So I went home for the last time. I walked in the house, my dad goes "Russell, come and do the dishes." "Fuck you, dad!" "What the hell did you just said to me?... ...Do I look like Ryan's mom?... ...Somebody gonna get a hurt real bad." That was my dad's threat. Right before he beat me. Every single time. "Russell... ...somebody gonna get a hurt real bad." I hated that threat. You know why? 'Cause he'd always say <i>somebody</i> He'd never tell you it's you. I mean, you knew it was you. But he'd give you this hope. "Russell!... ...Somebody gonna get a hurt real bad... ...Somebody... ...I'm not gonna say who... ...I think you might know him very well." I'm in the back praying "I hope it's my brother, man. Please... ...beat Julio's ass." I saw that little brat, Ryan, at school a few days later, I was like "Yo! Your little plan almost got me killed!" He goes "Sorry, dude. I forgot to tell you the other part... ...If he's still gonna hit you, threaten to phone Child Services." "Why?" "'Cause if you phone Child Services, they'll come and take your dad away... ...and he'll get in trouble. You won't even have to call... ...just pretend. It'll scare the shit out of him." You're 10 years old, you figured out how to scare the shit out of your dad, that's like finding kryptonite. I thought I'd try it. I was about to get my next beating, I stop my dad and go "Don't do it!... ...I'll phone Child Services." You ever had your parents called your bluff? "You'll do what?" "I'll phone Child Services." "Is that right?... [Shivering sound] ...Well, let me get you the phone, tough guy." "What are you doing?... ...If I phone Child Services, you'll get in trouble." "I might get into a little bit of trouble... ...But I know that it's going to take them 22 minutes to get here... ...In that time... ...somebody gonna get a hurt real bad." Thank you very much! Good night. [House music, crowd clapping]

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Posted by: lainsloth on Jul 31, 2015

Russell Peters - Outsourced 2006 - part4

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