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Self Sabotage _Final

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>> Have you ever adopted a new habit or been well on your way to accomplish something? And then just when everything's going really well and it all feels good and doable, boom, you find yourself totally derailed and wondering what happened. What did happen? One day you're unstoppable and the next you feel like you're back at square one. Suddenly, it feels really hard to continue what you were doing before and getting back on track is a struggle. Can you relate? This is really common with dieters or people who are losing weight. They'll follow their meal plan and do their workouts and the pounds will start coming off. They'll be seeing real progress on the scale and it's so encouraging and exciting. They're getting used to eating healthy and their muscles are adjusting to the shock of a new exercise routine. And then one day, they find themselves diving head first into a giant bag of candy. What's up with that? Are we wired for self-sabotage? Why is it that we find ourselves derailing from our goals when things are going well with no real understanding why? If you guess that your negative thoughts and fears popped up and scared you off your path, then you've definitely been paying attention so far in this module. And to answer that first question, no. We're not wired for self sabotage, but it is something we learn in our environments. Let me explain. We're all born as clean slates with full potential. As babies, we have no constructs for what we can and can't do. The world is simply something we view with wonder and curiosity. As small children, we see the world with infinite potential. How often have you heard a young child when asked what he or she wants to be when they grow up, say, they want to be the president or an astronaut? They don't say they want to be a customer service representative because, realistically, that's within the realm of their capability or that they aspire to be a midlevel manager because the benefits package and predictability will make their lives more stable. No, they dream big with no thoughts to what might possibly hold them back. And what else? When we're young, we fall down, we make mistakes, and we get back up. As kids on the playground, we didn't fall off the monkey bars because we were afraid of making it across the other side, we fell down and skinned our knees because we were hell bent on trying to make it across, even if we weren't sure that we were strong enough or knew how to do it yet. So what happened? As I mentioned previously, according to Adlerian psychology, you develop a sense of logic at the age of six and you develop all your general concepts about the world by the age of seven. So by the time you enter grade school, you're starting to record and store expectations, labels, impressions, and beliefs about everything around you. You're no longer a blank slate. You're a collection of memories that your brain stores and uses to help predict and manage future situations. So let's say, you were teased as a child. A bunch of kids just made fun of you on the playground at recess, and you're totally embarrassed and sad. You go home in tears and return to recess the next day afraid of getting teased again. Before yesterday, it may have never crossed your mind that you would have been bullied, but now you show up to school with a preconceived notion that people might be mean to you there. And let's say it happens again. Man, now you're really devastated. You're afraid to get teased again and look, you were right. Now you're starting to see yourself as a kid who gets pushed around. After a few times, you start hanging back at lunch and hiding out in the bathroom because now you associate the playground with getting teased. You start to view the world as a scary threatening place, and you start to see other people as mean and untrustworthy. Now let's say your family moves and you switch schools. On the first day, you walk into your new school and assume all the kids here are also mean bullies, since now you've come to see other kids as mean and yourself as scared and weak. You're afraid to trust these new kids, so you keep to yourself and keep a chip on your shoulder. Instead of making new friends at lunchtime, you hang back in the classroom and eat lunch with the teacher. Soon, these kids start to view you as weird and now you're getting teased at your new school too. Now you've just proven it to yourself, "Aha, I am just a punching bag. I'm nobody and I deserve to be treated this way." This type of thinking travels with you through your years in school and behaving in accordance with this belief only attracts this type of experience into your life. So now you're an adult, and you've brought this intensified pattern with you. You're depressed and all of your relationships fail because you won't let anyone get close to you. What's wrong with you? Absolutely nothing. It's just that you're still living your life as your seven-year-old self. You're still that young child who was bullied on the playground. You've accepted this identity and taken it with you. And now as an adult, despite your best efforts you find yourself sabotaging all of the loving relationships in your life, even when things are great because you believe that if anyone gets close to you, they'll eventually hurt you. So you subconsciously cut yourself off and protect yourself and in the process, you end up doing the very thing you're afraid of and create this reality in all of your future encounters. So on some level, you can say, "Yup, I knew this would happen," like you've somehow spared yourself the pain. But really, as an adult, you're just self-sabotaging and you're sparing yourself all the pleasure you should be experiencing in your life. If we never stop and think about why our lives are the way they are, why we are the way that we are, and why we think and act the way that we do, we may still be letting the hurt scared seven-year-old inside of us run our adult lives. So we need to figure out for ourselves and guide our clients to discover what the inner seven-year-old is saying and doing in our lives. This inner child is the one who created and holds the limiting beliefs we tell ourselves, and this child is the one who is at play when we find ourselves hanging onto our 9 to 5 jobs and what we really want to do is start a coaching business or at the bottom of a gallon of ice cream when we're 10 pounds down and 8 weeks into our diet. Ask yourself, how am I limiting myself? Why do I hold myself back? When you self-sabotage, it's because there's something about the very thing you want that scares you and makes you want to turn and run back to that safe familiar place. It's about the child who was bullied really wants to make friends and run around and laugh and play in the playground, but spends recess in the bathroom stall were no one can hurt him. It's why we destroy our diets once our pants start getting loose because while the idea of being thin and sexy is so appealing, the thought of being noticed and desired and then possibly used and hurt by others is scary. This is why we teach in this course that it's so important to figure out the costs and consequences of the goals you seek before you start on your actual journey, so you don't get halfway there and then retreat because the flipside of getting what you want feels too overwhelming and intimidating. I urge you to take the time to think about all the things you want for yourself and for your life, and to think about all those aspects of your future goals that make you nervous or cause you to push the idea away. A certain level of anxiety is actually healthy as you push yourself out of your comfort zone. But if it gets to be too much, it starts to affect your health and drives you to act out of fear. It's totally okay to feel nervous about starting a new business or a serious weight loss commitment. In fact, you should feel nervous, but that's just my point. It's okay to be scared of the unknown. What's crucial is staying connected to your purpose and to your positive thoughts at all times to avoid ending up fired on flat your face before you even realize it. This is why having a coach is so helpful. It's really easy for fears to quietly creep up and rattle your success. You start making excuses before you even realize they're excuses, and then you're off-track before you know what hit you. It's like that saying, you can't see the forest from the trees. But you can see for your clients when their trees get in the way, so to speak. A good coach can observe from the outside and notice these subtle changes that pop up that look to the rest of the world like red flags. An honest coach can call their client out on their excuses by lovingly pointing out the behavior and then asking what the discrepancy or disconnect is. A coach is an amazing tool for keeping a person on track when they start to drift ever so slightly. Explain to your clients that this is what you're there to do for them. Ask them if it's okay to lovingly call them out on their iffy behaviors, their failures to commit, and their shifts in mindset. Assess with your clients, beforehand, how they'd like to be approached by you, firmly, gently, like a no nonsense trainer or a curious friend? Some people can be negatively triggered by different words that can shut them down, such as failure, diet, or sacrifice. So ask them which words are helpful and which make them feel anxious. And then take this information and don't be afraid to call your clients out whenever they seem to be approaching a crossroads. You can say something in the moment like, "Do I have your permission to boldly challenge you and lovingly point at your blind spot?" And what about for us as coaches, we're not immune to our own self-sabotage. It happens to the best of us. Self-sabotage may creep up on you when your coaching business starts to really take off and do well, when you've established a steady exercise routine or when you find an amazing relationship. So what can you do to help yourself stay on track? My best advice is to never get too comfortable and always keep reaching. By that, I mean get some coaching of your own, whether it'd be through a paid coaching program, sessions traded with a colleague, participation in a mastermind or simply having a steady accountability buddy. Having an accountability partner is great because it's free and causal so it's easy to implement the routine of having one into your life. But this approach is only as good as your cooperative follow through. So if one of you starts to miss check-ins or bows out altogether, the accountability is gone. It's like how clients are more committed to making a change when they're investing a significant amount of money into a coaching program. That's why I recommend either seeking out your own paid personal and or professional development or creating a contract to trade services with a colleague who is just as committed to his or her own personal wellbeing and growth. So to recap, self-sabotage is something we all do at times, and it's not because we are hardwired to destruct, it's because our beliefs are really powerful. We create patterns in our lives that reinforce these beliefs and then as adults, we act out of fear because we're trying to protect ourselves. This is why we trip ourselves up when we're doing really well. Something gets activated in our subconscious that starts to make things feel really scary, so we want to retreat to what feels familiar and safe. Other people can help us point our blind spots, so it's important for both coaches and clients to, like, to seek therapeutic connections with others. To help you take a look at the areas in your life for you might be holding back or self-sabotaging, go check out the handout called Play Big. Then share your biggest takeaways from that exercise with us in the Facebook group. Thanks for tuning in. See you next time.

Video Details

Duration: 10 minutes and 57 seconds
Language: English
License: Dotsub - Standard License
Genre: None
Views: 5
Posted by: integrativenutrition on Jul 10, 2018

Self Sabotage _Final

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