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Using Time-In Instead of Time-Out

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Using Time-In Instead of Time-Out Time-in versus time-out is a concept that many families find richly rewarding, although initially challenging. When my child misbehaves, and I say, "Go away from me until you can behave", I'm forgetting the fact that they need me as a parent to help them learn to regulate. So, if their brain didn't mature because they didn't have a parent to regulate their needs, now I'm sending a child who emotionally needs connection and who cognitively needs direction, and now I'm sending them alone until they can succeed. Beyond unreasonable if you think about it in terms of brain development. So, our goal is to say, rather than the parent who says, "You're not acting like part of our family. Take your food to your room until you want to be a family boy, and then you can come back to the table." Well, in the first place, I want to say, "Sweet, precious, Father in heaven, when did my little boy misbehaving at my table mean he's not mine?" But, if I send children away who have come from hard places, I teach them to distrust leaning on me, I teach them actually to dissociate, and I actually teach them ways that don't enhance their long-term mental health. If I've got a child who got hurt, they learn to disconnect from the hurt. Now I send them to their room, it's a world primed for dissociation. I don't mean dissociation necessarily in the "mentally ill" dissociation, I mean checking out. So my goal for my child when I send them away would be for them to figure out how to fix the behavior. They can't. They need me, and I need them, and we need connection. My goal when I do a time-in is, "Look buddy, that's not the way we're going to do that. I want you to sit right here for a few minutes, do time-in, I'll be right over here washing the dishes. I'm just a few feet away. When you're ready to tell me what you did wrong and how you can do it right, say, 'Ready' and I'll come right away." I go a very short distance away (a few feet away), maybe I can be working on some paperwork there, maybe I can be doing the dishes, but whatever it is, my child is close by me. Now, in a few minutes that child says, "I'm ready," and I go and I knee down or or I lean down and I take the child's hands. I say, "Tell me buddy, what did you do wrong?" And maybe the child would say (if he'd been sassy), "I was using mean words." And you'd say, "Yeah, they were mean. Do you want it try it again? How could you do that right?" "Well, I could use my good words." Now the child has a chance to do the redo. That child has been with me from the beginning of that behavioral issue to the end of the behavioral issue. I got to mentor their brain. I got to tell them that I will not abandon them when they're bad. They're always my kiddo. I'm going to always be there and you can always count on me, but that behavior's not okay, let's try it again. So, time-in teaches my child how to problem-solve for life. That is, let's go to the problem, let's work it out together. Remember, you're teaching your child strategies when they're 4, for when they're 14 and 40, so choose your strategies wisely. If you cut your child off and send them away when they misbehave, you can expect your 14 year old to shut you down and out when you're not making the best choices as a parent. So, time-in teaches my child, "Come here. I'm going to help you. We're going to work on this together." It's a vastly different message than sending a child away.

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Duration: 0 milliseconds
Language: English
License: Dotsub - Standard License
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Posted by: jenfridley on Mar 8, 2018

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