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Russell Peters - Outsourced 2006 - part2

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But it's a very fun sounding language, you know...? Now, Mandarin, which they speak in Beijing, and I had the chance to go to mainland China last year, I learned the difference between the Cantonese and Mandarin, and I'll help you with it right now. Mandarin, you'll know right away, now that you know what Cantonese sounds like. You'll know right away if somebody's speaking Mandarin 'cause it's way different. It sounds way more chilled out, you know what I mean? It's a little bit more relaxed. It sounds a little bit more aggressive, 'cause it sounds like they're grinding their teeth when they're speaking. Especially in Beijing when they talk they have that... [Imitates Mandarin] "Hao hao, se, se, sur." [Imitates Mandarin] [Imitates Mandarin accent] "Sure, you son of a bitch!" Like that. But it's very different, you know what I mean? And in Mandarin, they have... You know, when you're speaking English we have words that we use to stall, 'till we get to the next word. Little shit words we shove into a sentence, words like <i>like</i>, or <i>um</i>, <i>or</i> <i>you know</i>, <i>but uh</i>, <i>sort of</i>, <i>like, you know</i> <i>but you know</i>... Just little crappy words that we shove in a sentence, while we're thinking up the next word, you know what I mean? To stall. Well, in Mandarin they have one word that they love to use and it sounds really messed up in English. But this... You know what I'm saying. This Chinese guy's like, "I know! I know! I know the word." So you know I'm not making it up, right? This is the word. All I hear while I'm in Beijing people talking, all I'm hearing is [Imitates Mandarin] [Imitates Mandarin] "<i>Neegah</i>..." "<i>Neegah</i>..." "<i>Neegah</i>, <i>neegah</i>, <i>neegah</i>..." That's their word! Now this is a true story. I was at KFC in Beijing. 'Cause I went to China to eat Kentucky Fried Chicken, right? I'm at KFC in Beijing, I'm standing in line, and standing in line in front of me is a black woman. I did not put her there. She was there. I swear, you can't make this shit up. So I'm standing in line, there's a black woman in front of me. The only black woman in China, and she found the chicken, that's all I'm saying. All right? That's all I'm saying. I don't make the stereotypes, I just see them. So I'm standing in line and this black woman is in front of me, and she's a Nigerian woman. I know she's Nigerian, 'cause she's having a tough time with the menu and she keeps looking at me. [Imitates Nigerian accent] "I don't know what to order." I'm like [Nigerian accent] "Look at the menu!" Right? So She's like "Eh!" and "Oh!" and everything was ok then, right? I said "You should try the popcorn !Xhicken." So... So I was standing in line, right? And this little Chinese kid runs in with his mom and he runs to the front of the counter, right? And he's looking at the menu trying to figure out what he wants to eat, now his mom's standing over there, and the Nigerian woman's standing right here. And he's trying to tell his mom what he wants to eat, but he's not really sure. So all you see happening is [Imitates Mandarin] "<i>Neegah</i>... ...<i>Neegah</i>... ...<i>Neegah</i>..." And the Nigerian woman looks at me like I'm supposed to beat the shit out of this kid, right? "Why don't you hit him?" I'm like "Here's a straw. Get him yourself." [Blowgun sound] I had a good time in China. You know what sucked, though, when I went to China? I'm not making this up. The airline lost my suitcase on the way to China. On the way. How do you lose shit on the way to somewhere? I get to China, I have nothing with me, right? 'Cause they lost my suitcase. So I get to China, all I had with me, 'cause I'm an idiot, all I had was my hand luggage, and in my hand luggage, all I packed was a portable DVD player, a Discman, some CDs, some DVDs, some magazines. 'Cause I figured long trip like that I want to be entertained. Then my underwear, my socks, my toothbrush, my deodorant My deodorant will be in my suitcase which will meet me in China, which never met me in China. And I got to be honest with you, as a brown man, we need our deodorant, all right? Don't give me the look 'cause you know you need it. Don't walk around "No, no, I'm good, I'm just- I'm good." No, no, no. You need the fucking deodorant, all right? That's what you need. Because the rumors are already- people have already said "Oh, Indian people, they stink!" Let me tell you something, Indian people don't stink. Let me tell you what happens to my people. We expire quicker than other people. And after 25 hours on a plane I was thoroughly expired. I stunk so bad, I walked into the airport in Beijing, Chinese people there were going "Oh, God, you stink... ...you're from India." "Well, go to hell!... ...I'm from Canada... ...That's how Canadians smell." So now, I have a show that night and I have no clothes, and I'm wearing sweatpants, sweatshirt, baseball hat, running shoes, you know what I mean? ...I'm dressed for comfort. I can't go on stage like that, so I have to go to this mall in Beijing to go buy some clothes. Now, I didn't know this until I got there, but apparently in China, I'm Shaquile O'Neal. I go to the mall, I walk into the store, I'm like "Hey, do you have 10.5 or 11 on that shoes?" "Uh, no... ...How about an 8?" "How about I can't negotiate my foot size with you?" How about that? "Alright, how about a 36 on those pants?" "36 is too big!... ...You're too fat!... ...Lose some weight, fat boy!... ...Come back when you're 30, 32 the most." "How can I not find clothes in China?... ...Isn't everything made there?" All in all, a good trip, though. I did so much traveling, my passport expired last summer, I had to renew my passport. I don't know about it in America, but in Canada, when you do passport photos, you're not allowed to smile. That's the new rule. You're not allowed to smile. This is their way of fighting terrorism. This is how they're gonna catch the terrorists. You can't smile. That's the message we're sending you. If you can- If you're traveling, you'd better not be happy. I didn't know, right? I'm in the mall, I walked into a place that says "Passport photos" I walked in, I'm like "Yo, I need some passport photos." The guy goes [Indian accent] "No problem, buddy. Sit down." Which really pissed me off cause he's a white guy, and I don't know why he's talking like that, right? So I think he was mocking me. So I sit down. The guy goes "You ready?" I go "Yeah." It's a picture, and I'm a happy guy, so I figured, alright. He goes "You ready?" And I smiled, I'm like this. The guy goes "Sir, sir... ...Your lips need to be touching." "Alright." "Sir. Sir, you can't smile." Not like that, I can't smile. Of course. That's their way. This is how they really think they're going to find the terrorist. By making you not smile. You wanna find the terrorist? Make everybody smile. And the people who don't want to smile, question them! Whenever you've been watching CNN, and they show you the terrorists that they're looking for, and those guys are happy? Never! You never see like a shot of a terrorist stand around, going You know, there's never the one joker terrorist guy with his thumb on the detonator "I'll do it! I'll do it!... ...I'll- Ah, you flinched, you bastard! I saw you flinched!" So I wasn't allowed to smile. So now, if it wasn't bad enough being a brown man going to the airport, when I give them my passport I look pissed off. My picture in my passport looks like this. Taking my passport now "Mr. Peters, step this way, please... ...We'd like a few words with you." It's hard, man. The security at the airport, the Custom, Immigration, they really need to learn the difference between a terrorist and an Indian. We're not the same! We're not! We're not from the same part of the world, we don't speak the same language, we don't eat the same food. We don't even hate the same people. Terrorists hate Americans. Indians hate each other. A terrorist will blow up an airport. Indians like to work at the airport. [Indian accent] That will be counter-productive. I know a lot of white people are nervous about flying nowadays I understand to a certain degree, but I had one white guy "No, man. I don't fly anymore... ...You never know what shit's gonna go down up there." I'm like "What? Nothing's going down up there, dude." "Yeah, well, you never know." And I understand, you know? You're a little panicked, a little bit, but think about it reasonably, you know what I mean? Think about it logically. Think about what airline you're getting on. Where you're getting on the plane, where you're flying to, you know...? That all factors in your whole terrorist theory. I was on a JetBlue flight. See? JetBlue is funny enough. I was on a JetBlue flight from Buffalo, New York, to La Guardia. It was like a 30-seat <i>plane</i>. [Indian accent] <i>Plane</i>. Oh my God! My Indian Tourette's is acting up. 30-seat <i>plane</i>. We all go through it. So I get on board this little plane. It's a 45 minute flight. I walked on board, this older white lady sees me, grabs her bag, goes "Oh, my God!" I'm like "What?... ...You think I'm a terrorist?... ...On freaking JetBlue?... ...What am I? The low self-esteem terrorist?" "Yeah, I don't want to kill a lot of us today, thought I start off with 30." "Tomorrow: Southwest." Just think about it logically, you know. I was on a flight like two weeks after 9-11, I sat down beside a white guy, he almost shit his pants. I sat down, the guy goes like this [Breathing nervously] About half an hour into the flight, I reached for my bag, the guy goes "Oh my God! No!" "What? Relax, you jackass... ...Just getting my Discman... ...Gotta listen to my instructions." Glad Latinos are here, man. All six of you. You full Latino? You half? What are you? He does this. <i>Half</i>. That's half That's how you cut him. What are you? What's your mix? - Puerto Rican and black. Puerto Rican and black. That's not far off. They're from New York, your parents? - One is. One is? Which one? Puerto Rican? Is he really? Nice. Puerto Rican and black. That's cool, man. We don't have any Puerto Ricans in Canada. We don't have any Mexican. Any Mexican people here? You? One guy's like Are you full Mexican? - Yup. Nice. What's your name? - José. José? Wow, just- just in case we didn't believe him, you know? I like the Mexicans. Well, there's no Mexicans in Canada either, man. There's none. There's no Mexicans in Canada. You should see how messed up our lawns are. Now What? All of a sudden everybody got sensitive? "Oh, hey! That's not-" "Everybody else it's fine... ...But you don't say shit about the lawn." It's funny how defensive they got for you. See that, José? They got your back. No Mexican. I wish we had Mexicans, but we got a lot of- we got Latinos, but we got a lot of South Americans, you know? All the- like, Chileans and all the... Uruguay and all the soccer countries. You know...? We got all them. But, see, I live in LA now. And in LA there's a lot of Mexicans and one of my good friends, Jesus, "<i>Jesus</i>." It's cool to hang around a guy named Jesus, you know what I mean? "Who's your friend?" "The son of God." That's... I like hanging around Jesus, man. 'Cause Mexican, Latinos in general, are very proud people, you know what I mean? You don't ever mess up anything Spanish around them. They get very upset, like you're supposed to know how to say their shit. I'm like "Jesus, I'm gonna go get a burrito, man." "Hey!... ...It's <i>Bu-rree-to</i>." "Holy shit. I'm <i>sorryto</i>, ok?" The Latinos in Canada are trying to play that, see? The guys in the Mexican cats in LA, they all play that- a lot of them play that hardcore <i>cholo</i> thing, you know? That whole gangster thing. "Hey, ese, I want to talk to you for a minute. Hey, fucker?" They play it hard, you know? They got that intensity about them. Even Jesus will approach me "Hey, Russell, let me talk to you for a second, eh?" "What? What did I do?" "Nothing. I'm just saying hi." "Damn, Jesus. You wanna relax a little?" The Latinos in Canada, all the South American guys, they play that smooth Latin lover shit all the time, you know? Too much, to the point where they're trying to seduce everybody all the time. You know what I mean? I went to this Spanish club in Toronto. This girl goes "Russell, I want you to meet Fernando." This guy turns around, and goes "Hola." [Smooth Spanish accent] "I am Fernando." I'm like "You want to put your cock away, Fernando?... ...I'm just trying to shake your hand... ...not that kind of party." But I like, I like the Latinos. 'Cause you know why? They could have the most normal accent in the world but the minute they start saying like a South American country it sounds like they just stepped off a boat a second ago. You know what I mean? "Hey, where you from?" "I'm from here, but my family's originally from <i>Ecuador</i>." "What the hell happened to you just now?" And the more Spanish countries they say, the more it sounds like they're going deaf, you know? "I'm from <i>Ecuador</i>. This is my friend from <i>Nicaragua</i>." "<i>Eastern Guatemala</i>." [Gibberish] "<i>Honduras</i>." [Gibberish] [Gibberish] "<i>Perú</i>! <i>Perú</i>!" I like cultural names. Cultural names are really cool, you know. I don't have a cultural name. And Indian people for some reason have a real tough time with this. But my real name is Russell Peters. Both my parents are from India, and that's the name they gave me. Russell Dominic... Look at you dumb motherfuckers right there! Do you know Indian history at all? At all? No, you don't. You know why? I can tell you there's no Indian history. The British were there for 400 years. You don't think they fucked one or two of us? If they can steal all our jewelry, they can bang one or two of us. That's my real name. Both my parents are from India, and they named me Russell Dominic Peters. Dominic. I got an Italian middle name. 'Cause my parents are from that Italian part of India. [Imitates Italian accent] Calcutta. You know, that part there. That's it. You have a problem with my name? Talk to my parents, Eric and Maureen. And my brother Julio. If I had an Indian name, I'd wear it proudly. You know what I mean? I don't have one. If I had it, I would rock it very proudly. What's your name, Mr. India over there? - Anit. - Sorry? - Anit. Anit? See, that's <i>a neat</i> name. That's- [Indian accent] <i>Anit</i>! Anit! - Patel! Patel? Nice. José, that's the equivalent right there. That's- [Indian accent] "Anit Patel... ...That's my brother, <i>Amessy</i> Patel... ...That's my big brother, <i>Aslob</i>." Do you know what your name means? - No. No? So sure that this wasn't my name, but has no clue what your name is- I don't know what your name means either. I know what my name means. Russell. It sucks. You know what it means? To make a noise. It's... It's a shit name, it's a shit joke, what do you want? I like the Indian names. I think, I think the Indian names are very cool. They have deep meanings to them. They have long history behind them. What's your name, my little Sikh brother right there? What's your name? Prabhjot. Sorry? Prabhjot. Prab? Jot. Not Prabjoad, right? 'Cause that would just be rude, I guess at that point, wouldn't it? That would make his name Prabh-fuck That's what his name would have been. Prabhjoad. "Prabhjoad! What are you doing? That's-" Good solid Indian name, you know? I like the Indian names. Do you know what your name means? What- See? He knows what his name means. Eh, Anit? What does it mean, Prabh? - God's essence. God's essence? God damn! What's your sister's name? Herbal Essence? What's... "You sister smells great." "That's just Herbal... ...Herbal-jot."

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Duration: 20 minutes and 13 seconds
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Posted by: lainsloth on Jul 31, 2015

Russell Peters - Outsourced 2006 - part2

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