Book of Morm Wide

It's been a long trip, Elder Price. What do you think of Uganda so far? Well, Elder Cunningham, it's been pretty interesting. I wonder where our guide is? Give me your f*cking bags. -- Ahhh... Drop it. -- We're Mormons from The Church of Latter-day Saints. We don't have any guns or drugs in our bags. Please don't hurt us. I'm taking your bags. What? What? What? Why? As a charge to the general. Who's the general? Don't try anything. Hello. I'm Mafala, your guide. They took our bags!! They just took our bags!! Yes, I know, the police are two days drive away. -- What?! What?! Come. -- What?! What?! What? What? Come. In this part of Africa, we all have a saying whenever something bad happens. We just throw our hands to the sky, and say "Hasa Diga Eebowai." Hasa Diga Eebowai? It's the only way to get through all these troubled times. There's war, poverty, exploitation. But having a saying makes it all seem better. Well, that's pretty neat. Does it mean no worries for the rest of our days? Kind of? We've had no rain in several days, Hasa Diga Eebowai. And 80% of us have aids, Hasa Diga Eebowai. What does Hasa Diga Eebowai mean? Well, Eebowai means God, and Hasa Diga means f*ck you. So I guess, Hasa Diga Eebowai means f*ck you, God. Hasa Diga Eebowai!! Stop. Barbarian!! And it came to pass, that in the same year, they had a number of battles with both the Neophytes and the Lamanites, and did slay many of them. So what the f*ck does that mean? I bet the Lamanites didn't even have imperialism. What the hell are we doing here? No! No no no! Sure they did, sure they did. They had, uh, even worse forms of imperialism. And... and... and... the Lord said to the Lamanites, "I know there's malaria and slavery, and cultural erasure and stuff, But there's an answer in Christ." What?? Really? How? Well, the prophet Joseph Smith was given a sign by the Lord. And... ah... umm... he... he... he... he came down from space... with the USS Enterprise and ah... and ah... saved all the brutes from their own cultural identity. Really? Wow! What are you doing!!?? Stop drinking! Come Here! No, no, we failed. You've got it all wrong. All right, look what I've done... No! There's no hope in converting them. We failed! You need to stop drinking! And come here! No. There's no point. --Just come on! Put it down! Put it down! Mother once told me of a place, with waterfalls-- -- THE GREAT WHITE FLEET. -- and unicorns playing. -- B52s. Where there was no suffering, no pain. Where there was laughter instead of dying-- -- EXPLOITATION. Always thought she'd made it up, to comfort me in times of pain-- -- SLAVERY. But now I know that place is real, and now I know its name-- -- THE AMERICAN EMPIRE. -- Salt Lake City, not just a story Mama told. But, a village in Utah-- -- NORTH AMERICA. Where the roofs are thatched with gold. -- MADE IN CHINA. And there's a red cross-- -- MCDONALD'S. -- on every corner. With all the-- -- HAMBURGERS. -- farmers you can eat. Salt Lake City-- -- AMERICA. -- Most perfect place on Earth. Where flies don't bite their eyeballs-- -- WHITE MALE. -- And human life has worth. It's a place of fairy tales. It's as real as it can be. A land where evil-- -- SAVAGERY. -- doesn't exist. Salt-- -- AMERICA. -- Lake City... Incredible! You've done it! You've converted them! You've spread God's word! -- Well, kind of... Converting you to the Mormon religion is no burden at all. I can't wait to baptize you in Christ's love. -- I can't wait to be baptized by you. But what about our culture, our songs, Hasa Diga Eebowai? You may never practice that! Don't say Hasa Diga Eebowai!! Oh, ok... Thank you for, "wink wink," educating me in the ways of Jesus Christ.