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John Pinette - Food Comedian - Part 2/6

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She called me up, "How ya doing?" I'm juicing... Let me get this Krispy Kreme in here, we'll be good to go. And then she said to me, "I bet you have a blocked colon." Now horrible visuals came to mind. I'm thinking how we going to unblock this bad boy? - Here attach this to your garden hose... - Hey, I have neighbors. I'll get a letter from the home owners association. - "Please do not clean colon on front lawn. Signed All of Us." She said it was very easy to cleanse your colon. She said, "You're juicing right?". Yeah... Take these herbs, put them in your juice 3x a day. After a month your colon will be clean. I don't know what was in the herbs. But I called her 1 1/2 hours later from the bathroom "Hey crazy lady!" "I'm sending back the rest of the herbs." "Mission accomplished." "My colon is clean!" "I swallowed a quarter when I was 7, $50 dollars came out..." "My ass hit the jackpot." "When I walk I whistle now." ( making whistling noise) Sounds like I have Zamfir, Master of the Pan Flute in my ass. I tried the low carb thing. Now people have gone low carb hysterical. I understand I eat way too many carbs, pasta. Bread a big problem for me, and I really have to cut back. But people think... In L.A., where like they're all skinny You know, you eat a piece of bread, "Ooh!" What! If this stuff were that bad for you I would have been dead 10 years ago, trust me! Relax! And I tried the low-carb bread. Have you tried it? It's horrible... I tasted it... I thought the wrapper was still on it. It's not like it went bad... It never went good. They have "I can't believe it's not butter", they should call it -- "This Ain't Bread". Cuz it looks like bread, but it has no other properties of bread. I said, "You know what I'll butter it, that'll make it better." Butter won't go on it. It slides right off. The butters like, "Where are you putting me?" Jam and Jelly beads up and falls off it. Did they ScotchGuard this at the factory? You know what I'll do, I'll toast it. I'll make a sandwich, I'll toast it. It's better when you toast it... It doesn't toast... You can't toast it... I'm out in the garage with a blowtorch. It's absorbing the heat like a Space Shuttle (heat) tile. How does this break down in your system if you can't toast it? They're going to dig me up in 5,000 years. - "Oh, he's on the low-carb thing." "See that disc, we've seen a lot of these. " - The Atkins Diet, I mean there are some people that have had a lot of success with the Atkins Diet. It just didn't work for me. They said, "After a week you won't have any more carb cravings." No... I was hallucinating after a week. Every time the doorbell rang, I thought it was Pizza Hut coming to save my ass. "Is that them?" I had carb cravings... When you drive by a bakery and you -- jump out of a moving vehicle, that's called a craving. And I had horrible nightmares. I dreamt Dr. Phil was outside my house. - "John come out here and exercise, you can't be big if your lifestyle won't allow it." - Get off my lawn! - "John come out here and talk to me, cuz it's not what you're eating, it's what's eating you." - I'm calling the cops! I've never been like adventurous either. Although people have always asked me to go on adventures... Rides, pursuits, amusements, journeys to see what will happen to me. That's their fun. My whole life people have said, "John you have to come along. It's going to be a lot of fun." I have troubles saying no. I say "Nay Nay" it's easier for me. Every year I get a call. "John we're going skiing." People want to see me ski. - John's funny. He's funny to hang around with. Let's put ski's on him and he'll be funnier. - I went skiing a few years ago, I wasn't going to ski. I just wanted to see the mountains and the change of seasons. I wasn't gonna ski... They gave me Tequila... I don't drink Tequila anymore. Cuz it makes me ski. Apparently after the 5th shot, I demand my skiis. "Where's my skiis!?" I could barely stand and they put skiis on me. They rented me skiis. They bought me a ski suit. It was white. It didn't flatter me... I looked like an avalanche from the top of the mountain. Why are they evacuating that village over there? Now it was my first time skiing. So you'd think my first time, take me to the little slope, "Wee-Eee-Eee". Plus! I'm too drunk to stand. Let's not take him to the little slope. They took me up to Mt. Sonofabitch. And they threw me off that mountain. I didn't ski anything, I fell down a mountain. I don't even know where the ski's went. I had to pay for the skis cuz I never found them. I went to the ski rental place. They said, "Where are the skis?" ( points up the mountain in various directions ) Up there... I fell down a mountain. I got to the bottom of the mountain a lifeless wreck covered in snow a little kid walks up to me crying, "Frosty's dead, Frosty's Dead." Now other children are gathered around and they're horrified. - "Don't be dead Frosty" they're saying. - I had to get up. If I get up these kids will believe in Santa till they're 27. ♫ There must have been some magic ♫ - "Yay Frosty!" - "Open the ambulance door. Frosty's going to need percocets in a Pez dispenser." ♫ for when they placed it on his head... Happy Birthday ♫ Water skiing I thought would be okay. Because it's water... It's soft... Nay Nay! Not at 40Mph it's like cement. And I can stand up on the skiis. But then the boat pulled me... That's when things started to go wrong. It was like snorkeling underwater really fast. I heard a Baraccuda go, "What the hell was that?" And I water ski mostly with my face. And I would bob my head out of the water periodically... You know to scream for help. It was an inaudible scream. It came out like (makes inaudible screaming noise ) Killer whales are following... They're curious... and a little concerned. - (whales) Well everybody's here... Whose that? - ( inaudible scream for help ) - He doesn't look like us but he sure sounds like us in pain. - ( inaudible scream for help ) - "Let him go he's just a baby!" ( offensive whale movement ) - My friends thought I was being funny. - "John you were so funny when you were bobbing your head outta the water." "I was laughing, I couldn't breath." - I couldn't breath either, you should have stopped the boat! Para-sailing, Nay Nay! They Para-dragged my ass all over the Pacific. The next time we go Para-Sailing... turn around. If I'm not up in the air waiving, stop the boat! I was picked up by a fishing trawler, they were packing me in ice when they found me. - John we're going bungee jumping... - Nay Nay! - John, are you afraid the bungee is gonna snap? - No, I know the bungee's going to snap Oh the bungee can't snap, it's a space-age polymer, good I'll take the whole bridge with me everybody will die. - Everybody on the bridge at once... Nay Nay! My favorite little journey was white water rafting. Have ya been? If you haven't been just take an ice cold shower and hit yourself with a bag...

Video Details

Duration: 10 minutes
Country: United States
Language: English
Views: 633
Posted by: quickok on Aug 14, 2011

Nay Nay - Part 2

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