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The IDEAL Response for Parents

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The IDEAL Response for Parents We've developed in our work an acronym to guide parents; it's the IDEAL response for discipline. "I" stands for immediate, "D" stands for direct, "E" stands for efficient, "A" stands for action-based, and "L" stands for leveled at behavior (not at the child). So, IDEAL: "I" - Immediate: We know that if you respond to a child's behavior (good or negative behavior) within 3 seconds, they will learn. So, when the child does something good and you say, "Wow, that was nice using good your words," or "that was such good showing respect," or "Wow, I love it when you look at me with those beautiful blue eyes." When we do that, within 3 seconds, or when a child needs to be redirected and they say something harsh or we say, "Whoops, try it again." If we say it immediately, we know from brain research, a child will learn. If we do it direct: we ask parents to be within 3 feet of your children. That's where I can reach out and touch my child. So, direct means that when I talk to my child and I say, "Tell me about your day," I'm going to have my body poised towards their body, and my eyes and my full attention to them. I am fully present to that child and I'm asking them to be present to me. My eyes are there for them. I might reach and touch their shoulder. That child's going to connect to me. Also when I need to redirect a child, or correct a child, or even discipline a child, I might say, "Give me 2 hands. Now do you want to try that with respect?" I'm not going to lob words at the child: "Hey, go make your bed!" "Hey, stop doing that!" I'm going to go to the child or bring the child to myself, and I'm going to be immediate and direct. I'm going to be efficient. We have a lot of parents who are going after a mosquito with an elephant gun. So, the child does something minor, and the parent overreacts or reacts too harshly. And so, what we say is, "Be efficient." And we actually use what we call "levels of response". So, we have 4 levels of response. In a low-level response, the child might say, I'm not doing that," and you might say to the child, "Are you asking me or telling me?" "Oh, could I please not do that?" "Ok. That was good asking." So I could use playful engagement to redirect a child most of the time. And then if a child moves on into, "Well, I'm telling you. I'm going to do that." And then I might use choices. "Sweetheart, you've got 2 choices" - now again I'm immediate and direct. "You've got 2 choices: you can either color with the pencils or color with the crayons, but you can't use the markers," if that was what the child was saying for example. So I might use choices. Then I might use compromises. And actually, in terms of being efficient, some parents find it's counter-intuitive because something that we do, a child might say, "You're stupid, and you're ugly, and I hate you, and I'm not going to the library!" or "I'm not going to bed!" And they've just done all this mouthy stuff, well they look like a pretty high challenge. I'd call that a level 3 challenge. But, I might be able to meet that level 3 challenge without starting a nuclear race. I might be able to say, "If you're asking for a compromise, try it again and give me good words." And the parent will say, "Why would you give that kid that was mouthy a compromise?" and I would say, "Because my goal is to give that child voice, and to connect with them, and to do shared problem-solving with them. So, the child might go like, "Ok, could I please not go to the library? It's really boring." Well sure, that was good using your words. Thanks for using those good words with me." In every case I've been efficient. I haven't used force, I don't need force. I have relationship. So, our discipline style on the IDEAL response is: immediate, direct, efficient, action-based. We know from brain research that there's something called a sensory-neuro motor loop. What it just means in common terms is, if I do the thing I heard about, I have a body memory for it. And so when a child does the wrong thing, they have body memory for the wrong thing. And my goal as a person who wants to connect and empower my child, I want to give my child the body memory for the right thing. So if I've got something in my hand and a child grabs a pencil out of my hand, I'll say, "Whoa, stop. Put that back here now." Now my voice may change, my demeanor will change, my words get slower. I am no nonsense about this kind of behavior. I'm not permissive about bad behavior, but I have a goal to reconnect and to guide this child to empower them. And so I say to that child, "Put it here now." Now, I don't take it back from them. I want them to have body memory to give it to me. So I say, "Here. Now." And if the child resists, I might wait, I'm counting to myself because I know my children are slower to respond because their brains are different. So inside I'm going...1, 2, 3, "Here. Now." And so I'm slower in my voice, a little bit louder, a little bit lower in my tone, and my cadence is slowed. And the child puts that in my hand and I'll say, "Thank you. Now, do you want my pencil?" If the child says, "Yes", I'll say, "Give me good words and ask for it." And they'll say, "Mom, can I use the pencil?" or "Miss Karyn, can I use the pencil?", whatever child it is. And I'll say, "Of course you can. That was great asking. Here you go. Give me 5." Now that child has the motor memory for doing the right thing, and now the path that was to the right thing. Now when we start out, I just have to be honest, I understand with the parents the path to the negative behavior might be an 8 lane freeway, and the path to the behavior you want, might be a little machete chopped jungle vine bridge somewhere in the dense forest, but every time my child practices with me (action-based practice with me), they chop away some more vine and this little jungle path can also become a freeway. And the last thing in our IDEAL response is clearly leveled at behavior, not at the child. So when it's over, I want 3 things: I want the behavior to be changed or corrected. I want the child to be more connected to me than they were before. And I want the child to be content because they succeeded. And I know that I'll be content because I helped them.

Video Details

Duration: 7 minutes and 27 seconds
Language: English
License: Dotsub - Standard License
Genre: None
Views: 0
Posted by: jenfridley on Mar 7, 2018

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