Challenge your Clients_Final
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>> When we talk about confronting
and challenging your clients their beliefs and behaviors,
how does that make you feel?
Many coaches shy away from confronting their clients
because it feels, well, confrontational and uncomfortable.
But refusing to confront your clients
when they're sabotaging themselves
sure changes the coaching experience.
Effective coaching involves challenging thoughts
and behaviors, not just examining them.
So what's the resistance?
Why do we do this?
Here are a few reasons.
One, we don't really understand
how to appropriately challenge our clients.
Two, confrontation feels scary.
Three, we're afraid of how the client will take it.
And four, we think, "What if it doesn't work,
then I'd just look like a jerk."
Would you rather have a client who felt uncomfortable
yet grew by leaps and bounds
or would you rather have a client
who felt like they weren't challenged enough by you
and really didn't get much out of the coaching relationship
beyond a listening ear.
It's always better to let our clients sweat a little
and feel uncomfortable,
yet emerge from the process feeling like
they were held to the highest of standards
in personal growth.
In fact, this is what ushers change in our clients' lives.
When we tiptoe around opportunities to confront our clients,
it's out of our own fears
and for our own feelings of safety,
not in the service of our clients.
This is a function of our own "stuff"
that we need to work out,
and until we do, we're doing our clients a disservice.
If you hold back from confronting
and challenging your clients,
take the time to really think about why.
Chances are it stems from one or more of the reasons
I just mentioned.
To help you improve your confrontation skills
and overcome this run in fears,
I'm going to walk you through
how to lovingly challenge your clients
and overcome these roadblocks
as they arise in coaching sessions.
If you take these lessons and start putting them into play,
you will find that your clients become more engaged
and accountable in the change process.
Before we dive in,
I want you to get real with where you're at right now.
Pause this lecture, grab a piece of paper and a pen,
and write down what comes to mind
when you think about confronting or challenging a client.
Give yourselves about 30 seconds to complete this exercise,
and then hit play when you're done.
I'll hang in tight right here.
Awesome. Great work.
What does your list look like?
If any words appear like educate, inform, redirect,
feedback, lecture ultimatum,
or criticize, or anything negative,
if that appears on your list, your concept of confrontation
and challenging in coaching is off.
And that's likely why you find it so difficult.
Simply put, challenging or confronting what our clients say
or do means holding up a mirror to them.
It's not about calling out your clients when they screw up,
it's not about pointing out their flaws.
In general, people are pretty aware
of what they need to change about themselves.
Their problem is just how to go about making that change.
So how do you do it?
How do you lovingly challenge clients?
How do you hold up that mirror?
Well, we do it by reflecting back to our clients
what we're hearing or observing
in our conversations with them.
We give them the opportunity to look at
and examine their own thoughts and behaviors.
There's no space for judgment here
because we're not adding
any of our own feedback into the equation,
we're simply pointing out the discrepancies.
I hear you saying
that you want to get your blood sugar under control,
but every night you eat candy before going to bed,
why is that?
Think of it as helping them to connect the dots.
You're collecting evidence of a discrepancy
between what they say they want
and what they're actually doing
so they can draw a line and reach their own conclusion.
To challenge then is just a call to action
and an invitation for them to push forward
and stretch a little bit to take a step
outside of their comfort zone.
If a client gets defensive in response to this,
remind them this is why you signed up for coaching
in the first place.
I'm not here to let you slide back.
I'm here to help you move forward and get the results
that you said that you wanted for yourself.
This is where the "lovingly" part of "lovingly" challenge
our clients come in.
It's important to remind our clients
that we care about them,
that we want them to succeed,
and that we're pointing things out
in their best interest from a place of encouragement.
This is so important to do
because it blocks that defensiveness,
which is often a knee-jerk reaction
people have in response to being pushed
to leave their comfort zones.
Remember what we talked about.
What they're doing now is somehow serving them.
You confronting them about these behaviors is a threat
to the comfort and safety
that their current situation finds themselves in.
Change can be scary.
It's important to acknowledge that as a coach.
A great way to make your challenges loving
and to make sure your client is ready
for you to take the next step
is to ask for permission
before confronting them about something.
You can say something like,
"Do I have permission to encourage you to grow
by pointing out a blind spot I'm seeing?"
"May I lovingly present you with a challenge?
You're free to accept or reject as you wish."
or "Would it be okay
if I held up a mirror for you right now?
There's something here I think you're missing out on
that I'd like you to see."
Chances are they'll say yes.
And now you've opened them up to the idea of a challenge.
They've accepted your offer,
and so it's not being forced on them,
which automatically lowers their defenses.
And by giving them an out
or an option to modify the terms of the challenge,
you're taking the pressure off of them
so they can explore the idea
without feeling put on the spot.
Let's put this all together using an example.
Let's say your client Jody is going in circles
about ending a long-term relationship
with her boyfriend Pete.
She's been getting fired up about the reason to leave,
then starts doubting her decision
and going back to counting the reason she should stay.
Her thoughts are jumbled,
and she says she needs more time to think it through.
Now she's back again this weekend,
her thought process is still exactly
where it was the week before.
You can see her spinning her wheels.
How do you get her unstuck?
Well, you might say, "Jody, may I have permission to ask you
what might be a challenging question about your relationship
with Pete?
You don't have to answer it if you don't want to."
Because she trusts you
and wants to hear what you have to say,
she accepts, so you say,
"Look, Jody, I want to help you
make the right decision for you.
This isn't my relationship, so I can't tell you what to do.
You need to make that decision for yourself.
But what I'm noticing, as your coach,
is that you've been going back and forth
with this decision for quite some time.
Sometimes you seem so committed to leaving,
but when the time comes to leave the relationship,
you start focusing all about the things you love about Pete.
I can imagine how confusing and overwhelming
this back and forth must be,
and I want to help you move past that if you're ready.
So this is my question for you.
Are you ready to let go off this relationship with Pete?
And it's okay to say no.
This is your life and your relationship,
and the decision is ultimately yours.
But what do you think?
What feels good for you right now?
Leaving or staying?"
Now this can go one of two ways.
Jody can say yes, she's ready, and now you've gotten her off
the seesaw of indecision in her head
and committing to ending the relationship
or she can say no, she's not ready to leave,
and that's also perfectly fine.
One of the things we must remember as coaches
is that we don't get to call the shots for our clients.
One of the most important aspects of being a coach
with integrity is allowing our clients
to make their own decisions.
This is the basis of empowerment.
You want to empower your clients to trust themselves
to make the right decisions when the time comes,
otherwise they will always look to you to guide them,
and the blame will fall on you
if or when things don't work out.
Encourage your clients to take responsibility for themselves
by making their own decisions.
If that brings up some resistance for you,
if you really wanted to Jody to leave her boyfriend
and she didn't,
that's a cue for you to look at your own self
because there's an attachment there to either being right,
being the person with the answers,
the person who knows it all,
or getting her client to achieve certain results
like Jody deciding to stay with Pete
is somehow a negative reflection on you as a coach,
when in actuality, it could have just been
that she wasn't ready to leave that relationship yet.
Now let's say when you addressed Jody's indecisiveness,
she got defensive and upset.
What then?
First, remember, her upset is not about you,
it's about her discomfort in being challenged.
Think about the last time someone got real with you
about an unhealthy pattern you were engaging in,
not always easy to hear now, is it?
Second, remind Jody that you're her coach.
You're in her corner, always will be.
The only reason you're pointing this out to her
is to help her grow not judge her or make her feel badly.
You might say something like, "Jody, ultimately,
whatever you do and whatever pace you decide to do
is up to you.
You're in the driver's seat always.
But my role as your coach is to encourage you
to stretch yourself just beyond what feels comfortable
since this is where change and progress happen.
Would you like me to continue to hold you to the commitment
you made to being challenged by this process?"
Of course, she'll say yes, and now you've reminded her
that this is what coaching is about,
and that these moments
that feel scary come right around the corner
from where the good stuff in our lives is waiting for us.
So what you need to remember about confrontation is this.
It's about holding up a mirror to our client's own thoughts,
not feeding them our own.
It's loving when we ask our clients for permission
and reminding them
that we're coming from a place of loving encouragement.
It's totally okay if a client rejects our challenges,
and defensiveness is just their fear,
and it's an opportunity to remind them
that they committed to being held accountable
and pushed outside of their comfort zone.
If nothing else comes out of your confrontation,
reminding them of this reaffirms
why they're investing in your help
and what they need to be doing.
Taking these considerations into account,
there really is nothing to fear
about confronting our clients.
Sure, it's scary, but when the fear comes up
what we need to remember is that
we exist to stretch their limits,
which means we must be willing to stretch ours.
Healthy confrontation helps us grow
while helping our clients grow.
Any uncomfortable feelings
that arise are simply challenges of our own
to work out for ourselves.
Are you feeling more ready
and equipped to challenge your clients now?
I hope so.
Let's take it over to the Facebook group and let us know.
Does confrontation intimidate you?
Are you ready to confront confrontation?
If so, post your commitment,
and we can all lovingly hold each other accountable.
Thank you so much for watching.
We'll see you soon.