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Jeff Dunham

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Achmed The Dead Terrorist [Jeff] Good evening Achmed [Achmed] Good evening... infidel! So you're a terrorist? Yes, I'm a terrorist What kind of terrorist? A terrifying... terrorist... Are you scared? Not really, no.. [growls] haaaaaaa And now? Not really, no... [double growl] HuHaaaaaa! How about now? No. Goddammit... Oh, o, I mean...Allah dammit. SILENCE! I KILL YOU! [Audience laughs] So Achmed No no, it is Ack-med That's what I said No, you said Achmed, it's Ackned, ck, ck, ck, ck SILENCE! I KILL YOU! [Audience: laughs again] How do you spell it? What? How do you spell you name? Oh let's see, umm, A... C... Phlegm... SILENCE! I KILL YOU! So Achmed if you're a terrorist, I would suppose you have some sort of specialty Yes, I am a suicide bomber! Ah, so you're finished! What? You've done your job... No I haven't! B.. But you are dead! No, I'm not! I feel fine! But you're all bone! It's a flesh wound [Audience: laughs] SILENCE! I KILL YOU! What the hell happened to my feet? Son of a bitch! What the hell? What are you doing? Stop it.. No no What you're doing? STOP TOUCHING MEEEE! I kill YOU All right. Just hold on, we'll fix this... Wait, what are you doing? Holy crap in the air! Wait! Something is stuck with...holy crap! I need some ligaments! Just sit still Okay. I will not move my ass! [Voice from suitcase] You idiot, you don't have an ass! [Audience: laughs] Is that Walter?? - Yeah He scares the crap out of me! Please do not put me back in the same suitcase Why? He has gas! Saddam's mustard gas was nothing compared to a Walter fart! [Walter: jeering laugh] Ha ha ha haaaa It's not funny! He will kill us! Listen Achmed, I have something to tell you... What? You really are dead Are you sure? - Yes I've just got my flu shot... You really are dead. Wait, if I am dead, uh, that means I get my 72 virgins! Are you my virgins? I hope not! Why? There's a bunch of ugly ass guys out there! If this is paradise, I've been screwed! Well, did they say it will only be female virgins? HOLY CRAP! Wait...I can have Clay Akien! Hahahahahaha! I told a joke! So listen Achmed, where do you come from? Your freakin' suitcase! Hahahahahaha [evil laugh] I told them another one! Look, if you have been in my suitcase all this time, how have we get through security in the airports Oh that's easy, they open the case and I go Halloooooo, I'm Lindsay Lohaaaan! I.. I told another joke! I can do this crap too! Okay, here's another one: Two Jews walk in a bar... No! - What? - No! You don't like Jews in your bar? You racist bastard! What I mean is I don't want racist jokes in my act! Oh, Okay, how 'bout if I kill the Jews? No! I'm kidding, I would not kill the, I would toss a penny between them and watch them fight to the death! Hahahahahah [evil laugh] Yes, yes, I did the same thing with two Catholic priests that I toss in a small boy! Hahahahahahah Yes, yes, and the winner had to fight Michael Jackson! ACHMED! What? - Stop doing this! You can't tell jokes like that! Why not, I'm killing so to speak! You can't tell jokes like that! - Why? It offends people! Oh, I'm dead, what do I care? What do you want me to do? Knock-knock jokes? Probably better Okay, knock-knock. Who's there? - Me. I kill you. So look as a suicide bomber have you had training? Of course, we had this suicide bomber training camp! Ah, is that a nice facility? It used to be! What happened? NEW GUY! The idiot tried to practice! What did you guys learn from that? Location, Location, Location! So you guys have any kind of motto? - Like what? You know, like "We're looking for a few good men"... We're looking for some idiots with no future! So where do you get your recruits? The Suicide Hotline! Hahahahah [evil laugh] That was dark, was it not? So, what exactly happened to you? - Eh? What happened? Oh, if you must know, I am a horrible suicide bomber... What happened? I had a premature detonation... I set the timer to 40 minutes and it went off after 4 seconds. You know what that's like, right? Mister HURRICANE! [Walter: laughs] So, Achmed, what exactly happened to you? Well, I was getting gasoline and I answered my cell phone. can you hear me now? Hghghghgh!

At first I thought it was because I went over my minutes... That's to bad It's okay, I took that Verizon bastard with me! So eh, what's it like to die, do you see a white light? If you've done enough to watch the explosion, yes! No, I mean, some people say that when they die they see a white light. What did you see? I saw flying car parts... what was the last thing that went through your mind? My ass! Hahahahaha! Walter told me to tell that joke! So you never saw a white light? No, but I saw a blue Prius! Do you really have one of those vehicles? Hahahahah That's is not the car, that's a lunchbox! Did you know when you're going down the highway in the Prius and you put your hand out the window the vehicle with tuuuuuuuuurn? You did all this for a bunch of virgins? Are you kidding me? I'd kill you for a Klondike bar! So I guess you are Muslim? I don't think so! - You're not Muslim? Noooo! - Why? Look at my ass, it says "Made in China". Walter says I'm just a stinking Halloween decoration! So you like being in DC? I think some idiots must live here! - Why? For example, the Washington Monument... -Yes It looks nothing like the guy! It looks more like a tribute to Bill Clinton! What do you think about Bush? Oh I love Bu-Oh you mean the president! I'm sorry! And that's Achmed the Dead Terrorist, there we go! [Audience: laughs] Maura Cocco

Video Details

Duration: 10 minutes and 47 seconds
Country: Romania
Language: English
Genre: None
Views: 765
Posted by: gorlanda on May 30, 2011

- Achmed the Dead Terrorist.

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