Watch videos with subtitles in your language, upload your videos, create your own subtitles! Click here to learn more on "how to Dotsub"

Star Wars – The Environmentalists Version

0 (0 Likes / 0 Dislikes)
OK, so.... I don't know if you know this, but The original draft of the movie Star Wars was not written by Lucas The original draft was written by environmentalists and it's a little bit different For one thing it was not actually called Star Wars It was called Star Non-Violent Civil Disobedience But the plot of Star Wars for those of you who don't remember Is that the Empire has created this giant machine called the Death Star And it's a machine that's capable of destroying entire planets And in the movie the rebels find a way to destroy the Death Star And then at the very end Luke Skywalker uses the force to get past all the tie fighters and to drop a torpedo down a thermal exhaust port and to blow up the Death Star Once again, the first draft of the movie written by environmentalists was a bit different The rebels didn't actually blow up the Death Star instead they used other methods to slow the intergalactic march of empire For example They set up programs for people on planets about to be destroyed To produce luxury items like hemp hacky sacks and gourmet coffee for sale to inhabitants of the Death Star Audience members will also discover that there are plans afoot to encourage loads of troopers and other citizens of the empire to take eco-tours of doomed planets The purpose will be to show to one and all that these planets are economically important to the Empire and so should not be destroyed In a surprise move that will get viewers to the edges of their seats other groups of rebels will file lawsuits against the Empire attempting to show that the Environmental Impact Statement that Darth Vader was required to file failed to adequately support its decision that blowing up this planet would cause “no significant impact.” Viewers will thrill to learn of plans to boycott items produced by corporations that have Darth Vader on the board of directors and will leap to their feet in theaters worldwide when they see bags full of letters written directly to Mr. Vader himself asking that he please not blow up anymore planets. Now, we all know that all of this should be sufficient not only to bring the Empire to its knees but to make a damn fine and exciting movie. The thing is: there’s more. Thousands of renegade rebels, unhappy with what they perceive as toadying on the part of the mainstream rebels decide, in a scene guaranteed to bring tears to the eyes of even the most cold-hearted theatergoers to stand on the planets to be destroyed, link arms, and sing “Give Peace a Chance.” They send DVDs of this to both Darth Vader and his boss the Grand Moff Tarkin to whom they also send wave after wave of loving kindness a the few rebels sneak aboard the Death Star and lock themselves down to various pieces of equipment. and stirring debates are held onscreen as to whether they should voluntarily surrender on approach of the troopers, or whether they should remain locked down to the end. In a brilliant and brave touch of authenticity, the rebels were never able to come to consensus. But there's more. Once inside the Death Star, a splinter group breaks off They burn a couple of transporters, and they etch “Galaxy Liberation Front” And then another group breaks off from that group And they finally make it to Darth Vader's private room And when they get there, they sneak up behind him and then they hit him with a vegan cream pie And the directors decided to cut that because it was way too close to a scene in another movie they were developing at the same time Called the plot to pie Hitler As the Death Star looms directly overhead, a few of the rebels advocate picking up weapons to fight back And these rebels are generally shouted down by pacifist rebels who argue that attacking those who run the Death Star is “just another example of the Empire’s harmful philosophy coming in by the back door.” If we want to change Darth Vader, they say, we must all first become the change ourselves To change Darth Vader’s heart, we must first change our own. We must above all else have compassion for Darth Vader, and remember that he, too, was once a child. So finally Leia, Luke, Han, Chewbacca, and a couple of robots show up and tell these others they’ve found a way to blow up the whole Death Star. And the rest of the rebels are of course horrified a scuffle breaks out between Leia, Luke, Han, and Chewbacca and the two robots on one side and the pacifists on the other. And the pacifists chase those four from the room and from the film But it's not a big deal because they are minor characters anyway But anyway, the way the movie ends is that the Death Star looms closer and closer And then you see the Death Star And then you see the Planet And then you see the Death Star And then you see the planet and then you see the Death Star and you see the laser start to glow this hellish red And then you see the planet again and you see this little light And what that is that's the environmentalists getting away before the planet gets blown up. And then you see the Death Star again and then it blows up the planet And then the final shot of the movie which reveals what complete triumph this was for the rebels Is a still showing an article on the lower left hand corner of page 43 Of the New Empire Times that devotes a full 3 sentences to the destruction of the planet Yeah we got some press! For more harrowing tales of eco-shenanigans visit ENDCIV.COM

Video Details

Duration: 5 minutes
Country: United States
Language: English
Producer: subMedia
Director: Franklin Lopez
Views: 1,451
Posted by: stimulator on Sep 10, 2009
Derrick Jensen imagines Star Wars, as if it was written by environmentalists

Caption and Translate

    Sign In/Register for Dotsub to translate this video.