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John Pinette - Food Comedian - Part 6/6

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[ passengers screaming ] Then the Captain comes on. The Captain is a Norwegian gentleman. Norwegians have a great sailing tradition dating back to the time of the vikings. Except I got the guy who hit rocks. And the Captain comes on and goes: -"Hello my name is Captain Cutenfugelton"... -Oh good Lawrence Welk is driving the boat that's why we crashed. -"I want you to know that the ship is indeed taking on a little water." -You mean we're sinking. A guy bringing on a case of Evian -- that's taking on a little water. There's half a million gallons on deck 1, I'm on deck 2 -- that's where Shelly Winters bought it on the Poseidon Adventure. Time for me to go. People were very calm and considerate... There's always idiots though... One guys running around, -"It's like the Titanic, it's like the Titanic." -We're in the Caribbean, the water is 85° jump on my back I'll take you to Miami. ( inaudible yell for help / whale noises ) -"John's in trouble again..." Those cruise ships. The buffets though. I don't die on a cruise ship. Why make yourself miserable? The first time I broke a diet to go on a cruise ship I was all like, ♫ "Don't cry for me buffet people, the truth is I never left you -- through all my dieting, my fat resistance, I kept my promise. Don't cry for me buffet people -- your fears they are not valid, if you are skinny, don't look at salad."♫ I think I'll start with that next show. Only thing is, cruise ship buffet lines are intolerably long. They have great aesthetics like ice sculptures and they carve stuff like a watermelon -- into a shark and a little cantaloupe's are baskets, and little tomato rows. It's very nice, but little old ladies are up there freaking out, -"Oh look at it it's so beautiful." -And they're taking pictures. -"Evelyn get in there." -And it's a buffet line -- and I'm at the end of the line. I don't want to be rude. I just want to know -- "What's going on up there!?" "People are starving behind ya." "Ya ya ya it's a cantaloupe basket that's very nice. Get out of the line!" "Get out of the line!" I have no patience in a food line. Any line for that matter. Oh, I have to work on my patience. If I, Ohh... at McDonald's if there is a long line. I jump behind the counter, I work the fries -- I get it moving. I've been employee of the week twice I don't even work there. But I take the parking space and I love having my picture up. Watch people at McDonald's they decide what they want when they get to the front of the line. That makes me crazy. What were you doing in line? Your Tax Returns? I knew what I wanted before I parked the car. People stare at a McDonald's Menu. [ discussing menu items ] It's McDonald's. It's the same stuff since you were 6 years old. Ask me anything, left to right, right to left. What do you want to know? Get out of the line! Get out of the line... People are reading the menu, they have pictures of the food. Just point... Uuuuh Get out of the line... Starbucks is another one. I like Starbucks they have a good product. Their polite. They're too slow. I have to have coffee in the morning or I can't talk. My first cup can't be Starbucks. I'd be dead by the time I got to the front of that line. "You got coffee back there? Yeah? Well you should drink some of that so you'll move it!" I have to stop at Dunkin Donuts and get coffee to stand in line for coffee. And people are staring... -"I should have done that." KFC. I don't do well in KFC lines, because people stare at that menu. It's KFC... They have chicken. You know what else they got? They got... chicken. You want chicken or chicken? Get out of the line! Movie theater concession lines. People staring at that menu. They got popcorn, candy, soda that's what they got, what are you looking for buffalo wings? prime rib? They don't got that! Get out of the line! Am I the only person in this line that has a movie to catch, that's what I would like to know. The supermarket I don't to well either. "Oh good she has coupons..." "You bitch!" It's okay to have coupons, but I always get the lady, -"I have a coupon... somewhere -- somewhere I know it is." Get out of the line! And if people buy bad stuff in the supermarket I tell them. I saw one guy buying cheap toilet paper. I said, "What are you doing that's 4 rolls for 89¢ -- that can't be good. Don't you like yourself?" I understand the need to find a bargain. But toilet paper you buy good toilet paper. I've been really broke. I've always got good toilet paper. It's a line you don't cross. It tells you everything will be alright. "The bills are late, but I got good toilet paper." We have so many blessings we don't count. We have such great toilet paper, did you ever think of that? That Charmin Ultra... Awwwf You could make a suit out of that. -"Is that Versace?" -"Charmin!" No dry cleaning, I just flush it. The first time I played Tempe, Arizona it was August. And I wasn't used to the heat. And it was one of those days when it was 112°. Now somehow after it's a 110° it might as well be 1000° for me. It's that 110° for some reason it's just a line - you open the door to the hotel and you feel [ wave of cold air hitting you ] And I go out and their picking me up for the show. And it's like walking underwater. And the Valet has a mist system because people die before their car comes. -"Here's your car, Oooh..." The guy picks me up. I've never met him before, he's kind of grumpy though. And he's driving me to the club. And I'm miserable. I'm depressed it's so hot. I should have booked this in the late Fall. How am I going to perform it's so hot? Oh god... [ Heavenly music plays ] There's a Dairy Queen around here. There it is! I saw the angel over the Dairy Queen. That must be St. Blizzard. And I tell the guy driving, "Hey pull over I'm getting a milkshake." Because it's a 110° you get a milkshake! I think it says that in the Weight Watchers manual. The guy looks at me and he's rude, he goes, -- -"Not now, we have to get to the show, maybe later." [ sounds of disgust ] So he wipes the blood from his head... says, -"You know what I could use a milkshake too, besides I'm a little dizzy -- I really shouldn't be driving right now." There is only 1 person in front of me in line. But it's a very skinny man. Skinny people I love you. We're all God's children. But sometimes you just can't decide. "I don't know what I want..." Get out of the line! Get out of the line! I had a guy in front of me go, -"How big is the small?" It's small. The small's a small. The medium's are medium. The large is a large. If you have to ask how small a small is you're not hungry enough yet, come back later. Get out of the line! It's a 110°, I have to hear how big is the small is it big? And that's when I killed him your honor. Case dismissed. Ladies and Gentlemen it's been a pleasure. Thank you so much! We'll see you at the gym sometime. I love you Tempe! Thanks friends!

Video Details

Duration: 10 minutes
Country: United States
Language: English
Views: 861
Posted by: quickok on Aug 16, 2011

Nay Nay - Part 6

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