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Intro to Soc 135 Video: Subtitles

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August 10, 2010. From Comedy Central World News Headquarters in New York This is the Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Good Evening Everybody. Welcome to the Daily Show. I am Jon Stewart. What is up?!? [Song: California Gurls by Katy Perry] [Music Intro: South Park] [Song (cont): California Gurls by Katy Perry] [Phil] Come on. [Music playing] [Phil] Did we leave the music on? [Door slams] [Phil] Hey. Shhh. Don't make any sudden movements. [Phil] Whoa. [Leonard] AH! [Phil] Who the hell are you? [Leonard] No, who the hell are you? [Mike Tyson] Quiet, Quiet. [Phil] Mike Tyson? [Mike] Shh. This is my favroite part right here. [Mike] I can feel it coming in the air tonight. Chorus line guys. Oh lord. [Mike] And I've been wait for this moment for all my life. . [Mike] One more time guys. [All] Oh Lord [Song (cont): California Gurls by Katy Perry] [Voldemort] Harry Potter. You've allowed your friends to die for you. Rather than face me yourself. Join me. And confront your fate. [Harry] Come on Tom. Let's finish this the way we started it....together. [Song: Empire State of Mind: Jay-Z] I have a disease? Bulls***. I cured it with my brain. I'm cured. I'm done. The only thing I'm addicted to right now is winning. [Song: Empire State of Mind: Jay-Z] [Paul] Carl. What on earth was all that? [Carl] I'm not sure what you are referring to. [Paul] You sunk an entire cruise ship, Carl. [Carl] Are you sure that was me, I am, I am sure I would remember something like that.[Paul] Carl, I watched you fire a harpoon into the captain's face. [Carl] That sounds dangerous. [Paul] You were headbutting children off the side of the ship. [Carl] That must have been horrifying to watch. [Paul] Then you started making out with the ice sculpture. [Carl] Thank God that the children weren't on board to see that. [Paul] Uh, Carl, why is the lifeboat all red and sticky? [Carl] Well I guess you could say it is red and sticky. [Paul] Carl, what are we standing in? [Carl] Would you believe strawberry milkshake? [Paul] I wouldn't believe that. [Carl] Gum drops? [Paul] No. [Carl] Boat nectar? [Paul] No. [Carl] Some of God's tears. [Paul] Tell me the truth Carl. [Carl] Fine. Its the lovely elderly couple from 2B. They were taking all of the crescent rolls. [Paul] I can't believe what I'm hearing. [Carl] I will not apologize for art. [Paul] Where are the other lifeboats? [Carl] Woah. You won the prize. I did not even notice that. [Paul] Where are the other lifeboats Carl? [Carl] Looking at the trajectory of the moon and the sun Probably at the bottom of the ocean. I bit lots of holes in them. [Paul] Caarrll. [Carl] I have a problem. I have a serious problem. [Paul] you are just terrible today. [Carl] Shhh. Do you hear that? That's the sound of forgiveness. [Paul] That's the sound of people drowning, Carl. [Carl] That is what forgiveness sounds like. Screaming, and then silence. [Song: Empire State of Mind: Jay-Z] Bum, bum, bum [song: Duck Song] A duck walked up to a lemonade stand and he said to the man running the stand Hey. got any grapes? The man said no we just sell lemonade. It’s cold and its fresh and it’s all home made. Can I sell you glass? The duck said “I’ll pass”. Then he waddled away. Waddle, waddle. Till the very next day. [Song: Empire State of Mind: Jay-Z] Here's the prank of the week. [Guy 1] Hey do you have any of those bottle rockets left? [Guy 2] Uh, yup. [Guy 1] Are they just up in the closet? Care if I borrow one? [Guy 2] Sure. Go ahead. [Guy 2] F**k! [Bottle rocket explodes.] [Guy 1] Are you okay? [Song: Baby by Justin Bieber Thank you very much. It's no secret. I love tazers. Holding sixty thousand volts in the palm of my hands makes me feel like Zeus. If I remember my Greek mythology, nothing can go wrong when man considers himself equal to the Gods. THIS is current events. First, up, recently in El Reno, Oklahoma, a concerned grandson called 9-1-1 to report that his 86 year old grandma was so despondent he was worried she would hurt herself. So police tried to cheer her up with a little trip to the juice bar. [Female] Police say they tazed Lona Varner who uses an oxygen machine can can barely walk. Although officers report she sure can jump. And, and these cops had no option but to taze her. There were only ten of them. And when ten cops stormed into her room, she, quote, took a more aggressive posture on the bed. She aggressively adjusted her craftmatic, from supine to recumbent. But the cops held off until she reached under her pillow and pulled out a kitchen knife screaming "Get the F**k out of here!" I will stab you and kill you. I killed four Japs in World War 2. Good for you. Well that doesn't sound that crazy until you learn that during WW 2 she was stationed in Ohio. Okay, so she has a knife and she is fighting on her home turf. the police had to taze her...twice. Remember, an 86 year old has the strength of two 43 year olds. Do the math. Of course, the woman and her grandson are suing the city of El Reno. But there's no case her folks. Remember, the 9-1-1 call said she might hurt herself. [Song: Alejandro by Lady Gaga] [Song: Friday by Rebecca Black]

Video Details

Duration: 15 minutes and 31 seconds
Country: United States
Language: English
Genre: None
Views: 69
Posted by: tmigliac on Jul 17, 2011

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