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The Dreadful Business of the Naked Honeymooners

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"The Dreadful Business of the Naked Honeymooners" Dr.W: For years I have stood on the sidelines, watching the Master perform his astounding feats, and recording them for posterity. But on one memorable occasion, I myself was thrust into the arena, with consequences which were nothing short of devastating. It was the summer of '86, and we were returning from Constantinople, where Holmes had been summoned by Sultan Abdul Hamid the Second to investigate an indiscretion on the part of this favourite concubine. SH: What've you got there, Watson? You're not writing up that case? Dr.W: I certainly am. SH: It will never be printed. Not in a family magazine. Dr.W: Don't worry. The way I'm telling it, there will be nothing offensive. I'm changing the locale from Turkey to Devonshire. I see Dr.W: Instead of a harem, it all takes place in a seminary for young ladies. SH: And I suppose the Sultan becomes the headmaster? Dr.W: That's right. SH: What are you going to do about the solution? The chief clue was that I overheard one of the eunuchs, in the privacy of his bath, singing basso profundo. What about that? Dr.W: Yes, that is a bit sticky. But it would be a shame to deprive the public of such a brilliant display of your talents. SH: Any damn fool could've solved it. Dr.W: I doubt it. SH: I could've stayed in London and you could've solved it. Dr.W: You think so? SH: I don't see why not. You've been around long enough to observe my methods. Dr.W: Yes, indeed. SH: There's no particular magic to crime detection, it's merely a question of reasoning. Dr.W: Quite. Dr.W: You know, Holmes, I always thought that someday I'd like to try my hand at a case myself. That is, if you'd let me. SH: Well, if the opportunity ever arises... Dr.W: I may surprise you. Because I think I have quite a knack for this sort of thing. Captain: Oh, there you are Mr. Holmes. SH: At your service, Captain. Captain: There has been a rather unfortunate occurrence on Deck B. The steward found two corpses in Cabin A. SH: Two corpses? Captain: Yes. It looks like foul play. The only fortunate thing is that we have the great Holmes aboard. So I'd appreciate it if you'd look into... SH: Be glad to. Captain: We mustn't alarm the other passengers... SH: Of course. That was Deck B, Cabin A? Captain: Right - o. I'm heading for the bridge, We're changing our course, full steam for Malta. Dr.W: Now, really. This was supposed to be a holiday... you'd think they'd let you relax. S.H: I intend to. You're going to handle this case. Dr.W: Me? SH: This is the chance you've been waiting for, isn't it? r.W: Yes, but two corpses -I mean- Couldn't star with something simpler... like one corpse? SH: Now, Watson, you're not wavering, are you? Dr.W: Of course not. I just hope I don't make an ass of myself... SH: If you hit any snags, I'll be right beside you. Dr.W: No, Holmes. If this is to be a fair test, you must not help me in any way. You promise? SH: I promise. Dr.W: Maybe this is a bit frivolous under the circumstances. S.H: Take mine. Dr.W: Do I look like a detective? SH: Do I look like a Turk? Dr.W: Here we are: Deck A. Now, let's find cabin B. SH: Watson, if you don't mind my saying so... Dr.W: Now, Holmes, you promised you wouldn't interfere. SH: Very well. Dr.W: Cabin B. Dr.W: It would appear that the victims are a man and a woman. SH: So it would appear. Dr.W: However, it's a mistake to theorize from insufficient data. Isn't that what you always say? SH: Always! Dr.W: Be careful not to touch anything. Clues, you know? Dr.W: I was correct. They are definitely of opposite sexes. SH: I'm willing to accept that. Dr.W: Good No wounds, no blood... no sings of violence The porthole is open, so it can't be suffocation. Everything seems to point to death by poisoning. We can immediately eliminate the possibility that the poison was self-administrated. SH: How so? Dr.W: My dear Holmes, people who are about to commit suicide do not put their shoes out to be shined. SH: Good shot. Dr.W: We are therefore faced with a clear-cut case of murder. Poisoned by a person or persons unknown. SH: I'd be inclined to suspect the chef. Did you taste the Lobster Thermidor last night Dr.W: Quiet, Holmes. I'm concentrating. sorry Dr.W: The champagne! Dr.W: What do you see, Holmes? What do you smell? SH: Nothing. Dr.W: Exactly. Is was a colourless, odourless crystalline alkaloid of the belladonna family. SH: An inescapable conclusion. Dr.W: Now suppose the poison had been introduced into the bottle... SH: It's possible. Dr.W: No it isn't. Because once you remove the cork, the champagne would be flat, and they'd send it back. SH: Right you are. Dr.W: Aaah! SH: "Ah" what? Dr.W: Holmes, you're going to be very proud of me. The victims stirred their own fatal potion. SH: But you said is couldn't be suicide. Dr.W: It wasn't. Here are the murder weapons: these two Innocent swizzle sticks. They were coated with belladonna, which dissolved as they were stirring their champagne. SH: How devilish! Dr.W: You agree, then, that we have established the method... SH: Bravo! Dr.W: Not yet. We must now look for a motive. Exactly what do we know about this ill-fated couple? Dr.W: Observe the man's hat. Those white specks... how would you explain them? SH: A careless sea gull, perhaps. Dr.W: Hardly. You will find that they are grains of rice. SH: Rice? Dr.W:That, taken in conjunction with the wilted bouquet, would seem to indicate that they were recently married. It would further surmise that they are on their honeymoon, judging from the labels on the steamer trunk. SH: Not to mention the rapturous expression on their faces. Dr.W: Quite, Now let us ask ourselves who could have such fiendish designs against a young married couple? SH: Who? Dr.W: A jilted lover, of course. SH: I can't argue with that. Dr.W: Now then! Since we're at sea, and since I assume the culprit is not amphibious, it stands to reason that he's still on board. SH: Irrefutable. Dr.W: But where? He can't be a member of the crew. It's too much of a coincidence for the couple to wind up on the same ship. On the other hand, he can't be a passenger, either... too much danger that they'd recognise him before he could strike. SH: Splendid, You've just ruled out all the possibilities. Dr.W: Not quite. What you have failed to consider, my dear Holmes, is that he could be a stowaway. SH: I tip my fez to you. Dr.W: So! He sneaks aboard, spies on them, learns that between bouts of lovemaking they have lashings of champagne. And then, last nigt... But how does a stowaway lay his hands on belladonna? I'm a doctor and I don't normally carry it. However, you know who would have an unlimited supply available to him? An eye-doctor. SH: Eye-doctor? Dr.W: They use belladonna to dilate the pupils. SH: That must be it! Dr.W: Which leaves us with only one problem unresolved... that business with the swizzle sticks. How did he manage it? SH: Dont' keep me in suspense, Watson! Dr.W: I think when we track him down, you will find that we are dealing with a rather corpulent man. SH: How did you arrive at that? Dr.W: Observe the narrowness of the passageway. Now picture a steward carrying the tray toward the cabin. You or I would have no trouble passing him. but if a man were portly, they'd have to squeeze past each other sideways. The tray would be between them, and he could easily substitute the harmless swizzle sticks for the poisoned ones. SH: Watson, are you sure this is your first case? Dr.W: To sum up, therefore. We must look for a stowaway, who was in love with the bride, weighs at least sixteen stone, and is a practising optician: That's our man! SH: A classic example of deductive reasoning. Dr.W: Nothing to it, really. When you have eliminated all the solutions, however improbable, whatever is left must be impossible. No, that doesn't sound quite right... SH: Close enough. Dr.W: Now, if my theory about the cause of death is correct: poisoning by belladonna, palpation should now reveal a marked distention of the stomach. SH: Watson! The bride: Can I have some more champagne? Dr.W: Don't touch it. It's poisoned! The bridegroom: I say there. The bridegroom: What are you chaps doing here? You must be mad. Stark, raving mad. Dr.W: What do you make of this, Holmes? SH: Offhand, I'd say we were in the... wrong cabin. SH: Shall we go? SH: Sorry to rush off like this. SH: Hard luck, old boy. It was such a neat solution. Captain: Mr. Holmes? Down here. We're waiting. SH: Now Watson, here's your chance to redeem yourself. Dr.W: No thank you. You'll have to handle this case without my help. SH: You promise?

Video Details

Duration: 12 minutes and 22 seconds
Country: United Kingdom
Language: English
Genre: None
Views: 1,586
Posted by: evil preacher on Jun 15, 2011

Missing footage from Billy Wilder's Sherlock Holmes.

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