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John Pinette - Food Comedian - Part 3/6

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it's the same thing. We went to the Grand Canyon White Water rafting thing we took mules down the canyon. My mule said Nay Nay. Everybody got way ahead of me and I'm screaming "Hold on!" mine's not breathing. Don't you die on me you son of a bitch. Clear! Just see me on the front of P.I.T.A. magazine. Now I'm carrying the mule like Shrek. That's not very nice, it's just a donkey. They take me to a raging river and they tell me to get in the boat. Boat there's not a boat there. It's just a rubber thingy. When a boat would sink they would put one of these out until a real boat came and got you. If it doesn't have a buffet and casino it ain't sea worthy. People did this with such joy. And it was dangerous, but nobody cared but me. One guy flies out of the boat, (screaming) "It's a lot of fun!" We drag him back in and he's hit his head. He's still happy. -"You see that huh?" - "Yeah..." You got a little blood here. -"Aww yeah, geez, it was fun though huh?" - "Yeah..." - "Don't let me fall asleep alright! I'm gonna have a Zone bar, I'm fine, geez that was fun." - "Isn't it good to have fun?" - I'm at the front of the boat going, "Can we bang against the rocks one more time?" "I still have cartilage left in my right knee." "And are we going to swing back around -- because I left one of my balls on the rock over there." "Oh, an eagle has it, forget about it." They see a ball they swoop right in. My family likes to take me on little adventures. They took me to Hershey Park. It's an amusement park. There's Nay Nay rides at the amusement park. There was a loop coaster. Nay Nay. I don't loop. I've done the Math. I half loop and gravity says Nay Nay. There's a safety bar. Nay Nay! There's a safety bar cuz it ain't safe. It's really a, "Hold on to this or you're gonna die bar". In Hershey, Pennsylvania they're running around on the rides. They found me in the gift shop. I thought I was in Willy Wonka's factory. ♫ Come with me and you'll see a world of sheer imagination ♫ You eat a half-a-case of Reese's you won't see Oompa Loompa's. My nieces and nephews took me to a water park. I thought that that would be okay. It's just water I love to swim. But there are horrible Nay Nay rides. There was a giant slide, it was 20 stories high. No elevator, you have to walk. Which pissed me off. It's $35 to get in. Build an elevator you should carry me up there. I'm in Flip-Flops and a Speedo and I'm walking up this thing. Let's not visualize that let's just move on. Yeah, there ya go... That'll keep you up at night. Yeah... If you get lucky tonight think of me. - "Honey hold on, I need another Viagra." And you walk up this slide and people yell at you if you don't walk fast enough. I'm in no mood for that. "Listen I will fart and you will disintegrate before you hit the ground." "Do I look happy up here?" I get to the top of the slide and it's not a slide. And I have slid. When you slide you go, "Wee-eee-E". This is not what happened. I went "Shh-Uhhhhh!" That's not a slide, that's a drop. At no point did my ass touch slide. If you reach around and your ass is not touching slide, that's a free fall you need a parachute or you are going to die. I'm falling, I see my family walking up, "It's not a slide". And I hit the water... Oh god... those people shouldn't have been there. I pop out of the water I hear, "Where's my baby, Where's my baby!?" Like I need this on my vacation. The next ride is called the "Giant Tube". Now it's a medium tube at best... and I found out that when I get nervous I swell... You see people come out of the tubes. They plop ever so gently, "Oh Plop Wee". This is not what happened to me, I built up pressure... I shot across the pool. You know like in Free Willy where Willy jumps over the kid? I cleared 7 kids. There were some tourists there from Japan. God bless them I made their vacation. They thought it was a show. - "Oh, he's like Free Willy!" "Free Willy, Free Willy". Oh! They were very nice, but all afternoon, - "You take'a another picture!" "Do again..." "Put my son on your back." "Yoshi, get on the Free Willy." - One more picture and then I gotta go. I have video of it, I'm flying across the pool I dubbed the soundtrack from Free Willy into it so you see me flying and you hear that Michael Jackson song from the movie ♫ hold me like the river Jordan and I will then say to thee you are my friend ♫ The last ride at the water park was a medium slide. My butt touched slide. That was good. But the pool was too short. I didn't even go in the pool. I hydroplaned across it. I went through the fence out into the parking lot. And I mean way out there: H, I, J... ... please god let me stop. I crawl back up to the gate, they want me to pay to get in again. I said, "Listen, I'm in a Speedo, you see a wallet anywhere?" He said, - "I don't even see the Speedo." He said, -"Nay Nay." and then he quit. In January I worked in London. It was my first time working there. And the people were wonderful, uh, I had a good time. I got to be a tourist for a few days. And I'm a big history buff so, London, very so rich in history. The Castles, the Museums. There's a lot of walking if your a tourist in London. Didn't have to go to the gym cuz you walk. You know what the English say, "Oh no... you can just walk there, it's about a hundred miles." I went to the British Museum, I was there for 9 hours. "Oh what an amazing cultural experience. No!" I got lost... You can't get out... It's too big... And they give you these directions. "How do you get out of here? I've been here for hours." - "Well just go down to the ancient Greek exhibit, and take a left at Lord Elgin's Tablet's if you've passed the Rosetta Stone, you've gone too far." - "How do you get out of here!" People from England were lost. They were coming up to me. -"Excuse me sir have you seen the exit? Some of the little ones are starting to give up hope." We went to Windsor Castle, the bus drops you off at the front lawn. You know how big the lawn of a castle is? The purpose of the lawn is so that in days of yore when armies would invade they would give up before they got across the lawn. They invaded from France for hundreds of years, they never got across that lawn they'd get half way and go... -"Aww!" "This is bullshit!" "I can't even see the castle from here." "I'm going back to Cale." When I went to England I was told that the food was not that good. I know I talk a lot about food in my act, but I also realize that it's not everything in life. The food is not that good, that's okay. I'll have a great time anyway. That being said, I mean there were a few problems with the food. First of all, England's expensive. It makes Disney World look like a non-profit organization. I went over there with some other comics and we went to dinner to a nice restaurant, the bill was $700 dollars. That check comes to the table, my friends become astronomers. We stayed at a very nice hotel, but it was closed between Lunch and Dinner. So there's like that No Man's Land where you can't get any food. So I walk in after walking 9 hours. And I'm starving. and they say, -"We have tea." - Now I like

Video Details

Duration: 10 minutes
Country: United States
Language: English
Views: 2,340
Posted by: quickok on Aug 14, 2011

Nay Nay - Part 3

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