Watch videos with subtitles in your language, upload your videos, create your own subtitles! Click here to learn more on "how to Dotsub"


0 (0 Likes / 0 Dislikes)
-Wow, Deezy, you got a new computer? -Yeah, you know what they say. If you ain't got a Mac, you ain't a Mac daddy. -Who says that? -That dude at the Apple store that sold me this for 4,000 dollars. I know, he gave me a stupid high deal. He even threw in these magic outer space headphones for only $400. -That's definitely a stupid deal. -Yo, check out my ballin' new sound system. Yo, computer DJ! -[electronic voice]: Yo, Deezy. -Play 50 Cent. [In Da Club by 50 Cent playing] Ha, jealous, bitch? -Play Britney Spears. [Baby One More Time by Britney Spears playing] -Stop! Yo man, I don't know how that got in there, man. That's crazy. -Right. [cell phone rings] -Oh. It's my agent. Hello. -[raspy breath] Oh, Shane. How is my little rising star? -I'm doing good. What's crackin'? -Ha, what isn't crackin'? [neck cracks] So, how did the Tyler Perry movie audition go? -Uh, not too good considering they're looking for a morbidly obese black teenage girl. -Oh, you can pull it off. If Sarah Jessica Parker could play a woman, you can play a black girl. -Sarah Jessica Parker is a woman. -What? -So, why did you call me? -I have a surprise for you. -Last time you gave me a surprise, it was your two-legged cat who was dying of cancer. -[gasps] Fluffy! How is she? -She died of cancer. -Aww, poor pussy. -Just please tell me the surprise doesn't have anything to do with death. -[gasps] No. The surprise is you have a meeting with a TV network for your own show! -Are you serious? -As serious as I was when I told you not to use my toilet seats unless you want gonorrhea. -You never told me that. -I didn't? Damn, I gotta start writing myself little reminder notes. Your meeting's tomorrow, break a leg! [phone beeps] Okay, who wants to come in here and give Ruby a sponge bath? My belly fat's starting to turn black and my woman cave is spewing out gravy. Oh, my God. Someone get me a biscuit. -And that was a phone call that changed my life. I was so excited I was shaking, like Paris Hilton after a three-day bender in Mexico. I've been waiting for something like this to happen my entire life. I mean, just call me motherfucking Kelly Clarkson. Okay, 'cause this was my Moment like this Then I actually went to the meeting. Hi. Um, Shane Dawson here. Here for the TV show meeting. -Surprise! -Shanaynay? -That would be Mrs. Shanaynay. I'm wearing a tie. -What the hell are you doing here? -I work here now. Say hello to the brand-new president of the CW. -No, you're not. -Uh, yes I am. Okay, I have an office, I am sitting at my desk, I have an assistant. And I have a dildo sharpener on my desk. -That's a pencil sharpener. -You know what? That explains a lot. -Okay, what's going on here? Is this some kind of a joke, 'cause it's not funny. -Come on, Shane, if I was making a joke, you would be hearing a lot more racial slurs coming out of my mouth. -Then what is it? -Okay, long story short, I was fucking some old man in the strip club, accidentally killing him in the process, and then I started looking through his wallet you know, to find his ID, see who he was. Okay, I was looking for money. I ain't even gon' lie. But after I found the money, I also found his ID card for the presidency of the CW. And you know what? I took it as a sign from God, you know, like Shanaynay girl, this is your chance to make something of yourself. You should take over as president. And it was real easy, you know. All I had to do is get a suit, look real confident, steal his face so I could get through security, and now look at me. I'm wearing a tie. -You're going to jail. -Oh really? Well, I guess if I go to jail, you wouldn't be getting your own TV show now, will you? -What? -I have the power, Shane okay? I'm like a damn Power Ranger. But instead of fighting crime, I'm smoking weed and having sex with strange old men until they die. -You don't have power. -Oh really? Watch me. Hi, is this Tyra Banks? Hey girl. How you doing? Oh I'm good, you know, just chillin'. Ooh girl, really? Ooh that sounds like a triple-P situation, okay? Pink, pussy, and smells like puss. You gonna want to get that checked. Girl, tell me about it. I know, I've had like twelve of those. By the way, I just wanted to call and tell you that you're fired. [Tyra screams] Tell Ms. J I said hi. So Shane, what kind of show do you want? -Okay, I know what you're thinking. "Shane, run. Run like you're butt-naked covered in coke and you're being chased by the Lohans." And I know that's what I should do but, I mean, my own show? This is something I've wanted my entire life. [sighs] It's gonna be tough. -So what is it Shane? Do you want your own sitcom, your own reality show, a TV movie? [gasps] A dating show where you get to pick between 20 different women but then there's a big old twist and 10 turn out to be cross-dressing men, but let's be honest, considering you, that ain't much of a twist. -I can't do it. -I'm just trying to help you, Shane. I mean, don't you want your dreams to come true? I know I do, but I don't think Shaquille O'Neal's ever gonna break into my house and rape me with a basketball covered in bacon. Now Kobe, I mean, that's a possibility. -You know what? Keep your TV show. Okay, I'm gonna work hard and get it myself. -Wow, that is so stupid. Wait. If you change your mind, I'll still be here. -This is the police. We have the building surrounded. -No I won't. [glass shatters] -Put your hands up. [gun chambers clicking] -Okay, so obviously that story is not 100% true. Actually, it's not even 1% true. But I wanted to tell a story to get my point across. And my point is very simple and it's something I've talked about before but not to this level. No matter how old you are, there's a lot of temptation in life. Whether it's temptation to have sex, do drugs, do things for money. They're everywhere, they're all around us. But there's one temptation that people always seem to fall for. And that's the temptation to change yourself for other people's acceptance. And I know it's hard to turn down but just remember, if you want to be successful and you want to be happy with yourself, you gotta stay true to you. I mean, take me for example. I really want my own TV show and I'm working my ass off to get it, but I'm not gonna change who I am just to please other people. I mean, can you imagine me on the Disney Channel saying things like "Sweet niblits." And doing really shitty auto-tune pop songs. No. So here's my question of the day for you. What's one thing you like about yourself that people always get you to change? Is it your style, is it the way you talk, is it what you believe in? Leave it as a comment or a video response down in my crotch. I'm gonna randomly pick a few of you guys from the comments and send you a Shane Dawson shirt. And something I'm really excited about, which is a new Shane Dawson Hot Topic button that says, Haterz Gonna Hate. I feel like that button's pretty relevant to this video and to my life. Hey what's up you guys, this is really random, but I totally forgot to film myself saying goodbye to you. And it didn't want to just end the video on like a random note. And I couldn't refilm because I'm wearing lipstick and it would be weird. So for me on my shitty Macbook iSight to you, have a good week, I love you guys. Bye. Captioned by SpongeSebastian [Baby One More Time plays] -Stop! Yo man, I don't know how that got in there man, it's crazy.

Video Details

Duration: 8 minutes and 17 seconds
Country: United States
Language: English
Producer: Shane Dawson
Director: Shane Dawson
Views: 306
Posted by: spongesebastian on Jan 9, 2011

From Shane Dawson (ShaneDawsonTV).

Caption and Translate

    Sign In/Register for Dotsub to translate this video.