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-Yes. [crash!] Whoo! Mmm! Ahh, oh... Well hello, boys and girls. Merry Christmas. Today I'll be telling you a beautiful Christmas story. And I know what you're thinking. "Hilda, aren't you a Jew?" Yes. But all the Jewish holiday stores are bloody and full of incest. So sit back, relax, and grab a penis-shaped cookie and try not to choke 'cause this story is gonna put you in a holly jolly mood. Once upon a time, there was a faggoty looking homo with a lesbian haircut and girl-shoulders who was wrapping presents like an underpaid immigrant at Martha Stewart's sweatshop. -There were two little bunnies And then... Damn it, I always get stuck at that part. -Hey Shane, what are you doing? -Oh, just trying to tie this bow. -Hey, let me try. There were two little bunnies And then they got horny And started to [multiple bleeps] Elbow deep in the [bleep] And that's how you make a bow -You need to go to a private school. [cell phone rings] Hey. -Hey! Thanks for babysitting my sister tonight. How's my little angel doing? -Umm... -[laughs] -Just being precious. -I wish I was with you guys. I think I'm gonna be stuck here at work for an hour. I've wrapped like 300 presents tonight and my fingers are so sore, they're stuck together. I think I'm doing some sort of gang sign. -Hey, yo, can you wrap this for me? -Huh? -Don't worry. All right, everything here is all taken care of. And tonight's gonna be the best Christmas ever. I promise. -Thanks Shane. You are such a good friend. -Yeah. Friend. -So call me if you need anything, okay? -Will do. All right, have fun tonight, little gangster. -Fo' sho', ni-- uh-- I was gonna say-- nutcracker. -Girl you lucky we from the same gang. Hooty-hoo! -So, what do you wanna do, Amy? Wanna make cookies or, ooh, make a gingerbread house. Curl up by the fire, watch movies, read Bible stories. -Are you a pedophile? -What? -My daddy said I can only be around pedophiles if they have the good candy. He said if all they had are Mike and Ikes, I should kick them in the junk and run. -Okay, no, I'm not a pedophile, okay? And I don't even like Mike and Ikes. Those were a gift. [pounding on door] That's weird. Who would be at the back door? Can I help you? -[groaning] [thud] -Are you okay? -Is that a dead hobo? Why does this keep happening to me? -Amy, call 911. -No! -What? Why? -Shane. -How do you know my name? -You've been a good boy this year, haven't you? -What? -You've been taking care of everyone in your life but yourself. -How do you know that? -I know everything about you. I see you when you're sleeping. I know when you're awake. -Eww, Santa watches me sleep and knows if I've been naughty? Check to see if he has Mike and Ikes. -Oh, take this and shut up, little girl. -Wow! Good candy! I had you all wrong. You can do whatever you want to me. -Whoa, that girl needs to go to a private school. -That's what I said. -Well, I drugged her food. -Exactly... wait, what? [thud] -Shane, I need your help. -Wait, how do you know my name? Who are you? "Dear Santa..." "All I want for Christmas is for my mommy to find a new daddy. Please help me. PS, I really want a black Barbie, but Mom won't let me get one 'cause she thinks it might make me want to put things in my butt like Daddy." Oh, my God. I wrote this when I was 6. You really have been watching me all this time, haven't you? -Often when you're in the shower. -What? -Nothing. Shane, I was robbed and stabbed tonight by a woman. -Oh, my God, what did she look like? -I don't remember. I just know that she had multicolored hair and she smelled like weed. -All right, let's see what that fat stupid motherfucker brought me this year. [gasps] Dora! -Are you ready to do the We Did It dance? Let's do it! -We did it, together We did it together, we did it We did it, we did it, yeah! Fantastico! [laughs] Oh, Dora. -Think I have a hunch. -I need a favor, Shane. -What do you need? -I need you to fuck me. -Say what? -I need you to flip me over and fuck me. Fuck Santa. -Okay. I'll do it. I'm gonna fuck Santa to save Christmas. -Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! Gotcha! You just got Santa'd, bitch! -Wait a minute. This is all a prank, you're not really dying? -No, I am really dying, you idiot. I just like to prank. -Oh. -Yeah, last week I pranked an elf into sex with a reindeer. Ho, ho, ho, that was funny. -How is that funny? -I suppose you had to be there. -So what's your favor? -I need you to give me one final wish, Shane. Something you want. More than anything. -Why me? -Because you are the last person I'll see before I die. I must grant your wish if I am to make it to heaven. -Ooh, this is big. I'm gonna need to have some time to think about this. -Well, the inside of my body is deteriorating and my suit is filling with my own feces, so I figure you've got 20 seconds tops. -Oh, yeah, sorry. -You got it, dude. -Wow, his last words were a Full House reference. [shudders] -Hey. -Hey, you're home. -How's Amy? -Umm... she's sleeping. -Wow, you got here to sleep before midnight without tranquilizing her? You deserve a gold metal. -Yeah, I don't know about that. -How can I ever repay you, Mr. Dawson? Merry Christmas, Shane. -There's a dead fat hobo on the floor! -What? Not again. -Look, look. -There's no one here, honey. -I swear, he was right there. [sleigh bells ringing] -What's that? [ringing continues] -It wasn't a hobo; it really was Santa. -Sure it was Amy. Sure it was. -Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas! -What is that? -Better not put that up your butt. -And that's the story of how Santa gave a gangly-looking homo a girl who was way out of his league on Christmas. I hope you all have your Christmas wishes come true. Mine is to find a doctor who's willing to take a risk to give me that vagina transplant. I want the pussy of a five-year-old toddler. Oh, it's gonna be hot. Oh. Ooh, Merry Christmas. Captioned by SpongeSebastian

Video Details

Duration: 10 minutes and 15 seconds
Country: United States
Language: English
Producer: Shane Dawson
Director: Benny & Rafi Fine (The Fine Brothers)
Views: 346
Posted by: spongesebastian on Dec 20, 2010

From Shane Dawson (ShaneDawsonTV).

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