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Uplevel Your Coaching Relationships_Final

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>> Hi, I'm Coach Dave Buck. I'm a Master Certified Coach. I am the CEO of CoachVille, which was actually the first online community for coaches in the world. It was started in the year 2000. I have been a professional life coach for 20 years which like in coach years is like 90. So I'm like really old as a coach. And I've been a professional life coach, I've also been a really high-end soccer coach, I've had lots of coaches, I've coached over a thousand people. So basically, you could say coaching is my life. Now in this lecture, we're going to talk about how you can up-level your coaching relationships. Okay, so I'm on Skype with my voice coach. This is our first session together, and he's asking me some good questions like, "Oh, why do you want to sing better, what is your idea of what you want to sing for?" And I tell him, "Well, you know, sometimes when I give talks, we have a little song in, and I have an idea of doing a little show. So I'm just thinking I want to, you know, just sing a little better." So he says, "Okay, that sounds good." He says, "So sing something for me." And I was like, "Just sing something? Just start singing?" He goes, "Yeah, just sing something." So I said, "Okay." [singing] A little bit of me and a whole lot of you Add a dash of starlight and a dozen roses too Then you let it rise for a hundred years or two And that's a recipe for making love So I go on and sing the rest of the song. And he says, "Oh, that's pretty good. I like your tone, you have a nice conversational style to your voice." He says, "Now you missed a few notes here and there," and I'm sort of thinking, "Okay, is it am I happy that he noticed that I missed a few notes or was I wishing he didn't notice?" So I'm thinking, "Okay, well, he's my coach, right, so he should notice if I miss a few notes." So I'm thinking, "Okay, that's good." And then he says, "Oh, and you know this part when you're saying, a little bit of me and..." And he actually sings for me the same way I just sang for him, which was pretty remarkable. He pretty much sang like almost with the same exact tone as I had and he sang in the same style. And he says, "When you get to this part, A little bit of me and..." He says, "When you sing that..." You don't have a lot of quality to your voice on that note, so we can actually do some exercises to improve that part of your voice. So I'm thinking, "Oh, okay, that actually would be pretty good." And then he says, "And but in the meantime, if you sing that song in the near future before we get your voice built up a little bit, when you get to that part, 'A little bit of me and...' you could sing it in a slightly different way." He says, "You could sing it, 'A little bit of me and a whole lot of you...'" And I thought, "Oh, you just kind of skate past that one note that's not that solid and you can create a better sound and you also emphasize the "me" and "you" which is the point of the song." That's pretty smart. So this little example of a real situation with my coach really gives you the picture of what real coaching is. Coaching is a relationship between the coach and the player, some people call the person being coach a client, but I actually prefer to use the word player. So the coach, the coach guides the player in pursuit of playing better, and playing, we'll talk about that in this lecture in several different ways, but in this case, I'm playing with my voice and creating music. And how does the coach guide me to play better? Through observation and conversation. So he observes me and then we talk, and then I observed him and then we talk. And through observation and conversation, I can start to sing or play my voice better, and this is what real coaching is. And this I think is a really big idea for those of us in the coaching world because a lot of the way we've thought about coaching, and I've been coaching for 20 years as a life coach, is we only think about the conversation part. We think, "Well, you sit down and you have a conversation or maybe you get on the phone, and it's two calls a month and blah, blah, blah," that's not real coaching. That might be good conversation, but I don't necessarily think contracted conversations means that you are coaching. Coaching is all of these parts, the relationship, how the coach guides the player in pursuit of playing better, and most essentially observation and conversation. Okay, so my first challenge to you in this lecture is to think about how can you bring observation and conversation loops into your coaching. Another way of saying that is what is your version of sing something for me. So when my voice coach says, "Hey, sing something for me," that makes perfect sense for a voice coach to say. But in the kind of coaching you do whether it's a life coaching or happiness coaching or success coaching, health coaching, what is your way of saying sing something for me. What do you want to observe them doing so that then you can guide them to play it better. This is a real challenge. And, you know, having been a life coach for 20 years, there is things we can do today that you couldn't do 20 years ago or maybe even 5 years ago. But I think now, for an example, let's say you're a Health Coach, you're coaching your player, you could say, "All right, let me watch you cook dinner." Put a little laptop on the counter, put on the Skype video or whatever kind of video software you like, "And all right, cook dinner for me." And then they're cooking, and then you're watching them cook through the screen, and you're like, "Wait, what kind of oil are you putting in that pan? You can't cook with olive oil, right?" So you would actually see them. And then you could say, "Hey, hold on, bring your computer over to the fridge, let me see what you got in there." And this would be a way of observing your player in the game of preparing food or in their life in some way. Another example of this is I coach leaders, and so if I have a leader that I'm coaching and they have a big meeting coming up, I say bring the laptop into the meeting, put it on the conference table, turn on Skype video and then I watch them lead the meeting. Because if I don't watch them lead the meeting and then I talk to them a week later and I say, "Oh, how was the big meeting?" What are they going to say? "It was great. Everybody was all wound up. It was awesome." That's what they're going to say because that's what everybody says when you ask them how something went. But if you actually watched, when I actually watched the meeting I can say, "Well, you know, the way you were talking with Sally at that one point, I don't know I think maybe you could have approached that in a better way or you could have been a little more inspiring or this one part really was awesome, let's think about how you did that." So when you think about being a real coach for someone, you have to really understand how are you going to observe, what kind of feedback can you offer, what are you looking for, what are you listening for, the patterns that you're seeing, that you're listening to, and this is how you start to really guide someone to play better in the game of their life. So let's talk a little bit about playing better because this is a part that often freaks people out because when you think about life, most people don't think about life as play. But as a life coach for 20 years, I can tell you for certain, coaching and playing go together. If the person is not playing, there's no coaching. You don't coach work, you manage work, you coach play. So what is play? Play is when you are in pursuit of a particular outcome or a particular result and you cannot control it, but you can influence it with your skill, with your idea, with your strategy, with your energy. So when you're coaching someone, it's you want to look for what are the things they're trying to do where they need to expand their influence to get the results that they want in this situation. So in this case, you know, you think about, you know, I'm singing, and you could think, "Oh, can you control your voice?" Well, you can try, but it doesn't really go like that. The best you can hope for when you're singing is a high degree of influence, right? And if you think about most things like leadership, if you're coaching a leader on leadership, the leader can't control the people they are leading, but they can influence them with great ideas, and great strategy, and great words, and things of that nature. So the best things in life that we are wanting and that we are playing for they cannot be controlled but they can be influenced. And I think this is what I mean by play. So when you think about play, you're thinking about playing a game, like business is a game or you're in some kind of a contest, business is a game, basketball is a game, that's where you're trying to kind of win something, win a particular outcome. You can also think about play in terms of artistic pursuits, you know, you can play the violin, you can play your voice. And I think of leadership as the same way, you can play in leadership. And that's where you're trying to win the hearts of people, right? So you're not trying to win a contest per se, you're trying to win the heart of someone in audience or a team or a group. And then the third kind of play is like a personal quest, like you're trying to go on a quest to accomplish some great thing, and then that I think of that is trying to win your own heart, you're trying to win your own life of inspiration to go in a quest for something that you really care about. And so this I think is another big point about coaching that I really want to emphasize, which is everyone you know wants more of the good things in life, more of the sweet moments of life, everyone wants more. And that's what life coaching, and I say all coaching is life coaching. Life coaching is about the pursuit of more, these more sweet moments, these moments when you really feel alive. And that's good news for you as a coach because what that means is anyone you meet could potentially want to have you as their coach because everyone wants more of the good things in life. And as a coach, you have developed the skills to help people pursue these good things in life, more freedom, more energy, more accomplishment, more participation, all these things that we want more of. So this is what coaching is really all about, all right? So now let's go a step further into how we coach. How do we do this thing? So we have this diagram that I'll refer to, that says, "Coaching is... ALL of this." And when you look at this diagram, you can see right in the middle, the beautiful yin yang symbol that says observation, conversation. And what this means is that the centerpiece of coaching what you're really doing when you're coaching is observing your player and then talking about what you see. The interesting thing though and that's why I love the yin yang symbol is that in addition, your player is watching you. They're observing you in how you live your life, how you operate, how you do whatever, like when my voice coach started singing the song I sang in the same way I sang it, he was letting me observe him singing so that I could be inspired by him. And this I think is a big thing, there's a lot of ideas that have been in the life coaching space for a while which is, "Oh, it's all about the client, it's client-centered, it's not about you," and I don't think this is correct. Well, of course, it is about your client's pursuit, but it's just as much about you sharing and sharing your feedback in your observations and letting your player observe you do whatever thing you do, whether it's singing, or soccer, or leadership, all of these things, your players are going to observe you, and you want to give them that opportunity to observe you so that you have a real relationship. And this is I think going back to that key point, coaching is a relationship, it's not a service. And this is very important, especially if you're a professional coach, you think, "Oh, I provide a coaching service." Coaching is a very unique thing, it's not a service, it's not like, "Oh, two calls a month and email," that's a transaction. Coaching is a relationship where you're in the world of your player and your player is in your world. And later in this lecture, I'll share a few more points about that. But let's explore this diagram a little bit together. So you see at the centerpiece is observation and conversation, and that's the coaching really is. And there's other things that are important to coaching and the art of coaching, the craft of being a great guide for another person in their pursuit. There are other things that you can do, that you can learn about that are very important. So if you look in the upper left part of this diagram where you see client-centered counseling with a PM twist, which means project management twist. And you also see on there the word humanism. So what this means is this is about really being focused on the client, you know, what do you want to do, what are you in pursuit of. And this is an important part of coaching, it's not all of coaching, but it's an important part of coaching that it really is focused on the client or on the player, and what they want to do, and how they can do it, and how do you bring out their best, and their skills, and their superpowers, that sort of thing. And then, so that's one piece. But if you look at the bottom right, then you also see personalized teaching, which is when you as the coach, you have information, you have strategies, you have like, "Oh, you can do it this way, you can try it that way." And when you're coaching, you have to find your balance between having it be all about them and having it be about you and your information, your expertise, your how-tos, and you have to find a middle ground. It can't be only about them, but it can't be all about you. I've seen a lot of coaches go wrong where they make it all about them and, "Oh, I know the way and I know the steps, and just listen to me and that's what you need to do," sort of the my way or the highway coaching that often we've experienced. That's not great coaching either. So you have to find the balance. And when you look at this diagram, you see that there are several spectrums that you need to find your way. To be a great coach, you have to find your way in these balance points. So for example, you also have, you see Presence at the top and Expertise at the bottom. So when you're observing and you're talking, part of what you're doing is bringing a presence, just being there, just being that strong presence really with them, really observing, really caring, so that's the presence side. But another thing that matters is your expertise. Like, "Oh, I know how you can do this, I know how like my voice coach, how you can expand your larynx to get better notes." It's like, wow, he's teaching me some amazing techniques. So you have amazing techniques and you want to find a blend. If you make it all about your expertise, then that is not great. If you make it all about presence and, "Oh, I'm just going to be here with you and ask some good questions," that's not enough either. So presence is not enough, expertise is not enough, but the blend of presence and expertise and how you bring that to your observation and conversation, that is how you find your way and be a great coach. Then you look at the other spectrum between support and challenge. So support is where, it's like, "Okay, you can do this and you have the ability, and you have all the right skills, and you can get better, and you can do it," so that's the kind of support conversation. And we all need a lot more support. But to be a great coach, you also have to challenge. "Hey, you can get better. I think this part, you need to change that up a little bit. "Or this part, not so good, you can do that better. We need to make a change. "And this is a big point, when someone hires a coach, they want all of this, they want the support, but they want to be challenged. They want your presence, but they also need your expertise. And so your relationship with each player will be unique because some people need more support, some people need more challenge, some people need more presence, some people need your expertise, and it can change over time. You might start coaching someone and they really don't know that much about the skills of what they need to do, so you're giving them a lot of your expertise. But over time, they learn a lot of those things and then its more about your presence, your guidance your steady hand of just being there with them through the experience. And that brings me to this last part of the spectrum part where you see in the upper right, the provocative personal feedback and advice, and in the bottom left, applying your method. So what this is about is a lot of times, you know, as a coach, when you're observing, it's really just about how you give the feedback and what you see and your way of hearing patterns and listening and really getting to know them and be provocative with them as their mentor. But sometimes, it's about you and your method, applying your method, which is a very consultative way of coaching, where it's like, "Okay, I've got a seven step method, you want to do this. I have a method step by step, here's how you're going to get there." So sometimes when you're coaching, you want to have a method that you can walk them through, but other times you just need to watch them and then keep tweaking and refining what they're doing through feedback and advice. So depending on the situation, it's good to have methods and it's also good to just be able to watch and see and give the kind of feedback and challenge them in a way that helps them to get better, and this is what people expect from a coach. Okay, so the last thing I want to share with you in this lecture is an idea about coaching and what it means to be a coach that might be different than what you have learned and what you have heard in other coaching conversations, other classes. And I know I can be a little controversial at times, that's true, that's my role in the coaching world having, you know, been doing this for 20 years. But I want to tell you that when you are coaching someone, the most important thing is the relationship, and what I want you to think about is how can you go all in with your player. And I want you to think about what would it be like to be in a full on relationship with this person. And a good benchmark for this would be to think about it, it's more like a romantic partnership than a traditional business or client partnership. So for example, if someone is talking to you about your coaching and you say something like, "Oh, well, it's three calls a month and email and," that's transactional, that's not the relationship. When someone ask me about coaching, I say, "Look, I'm going to be all in with you, I'm going to be there with you, I'm going to probably text you every freaking day. I want to know what happened today, what happened in the meeting, what did you do, did you get with the result that you were playing for or not, did you play well, did you suck, you know, what happened and I want to be in there with you. So I can't be like a soccer coach, like I was for many years and be on the sideline with you, but through different kinds of media, and texting, and email, and phone, and Skype, and all these things," I can create the feeling that I am with them every step of the way in their game, and so that's what I'm challenging you to do. Think about how can you bring this all in mentality to your coaching relationships. So to kind of recap this lecture is first off to think of coaching as a relationship, a personal relationship. Second, how can you guide them through observation, conversation, watch them do things, talk about it, support and challenge. Make sure you have that blend. Your presence and your expertise, how do you find your way to give your player what they need from you in the relationship at this time. And if you can find your path through these different spectrum and be that guide for your player, they will get from you what they really and truly wanted, which is a coach to help them create the life that they were dreaming of.

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Duration: 23 minutes and 50 seconds
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Language: English
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Posted by: integrativenutrition on Jul 6, 2018

Uplevel Your Coaching Relationships_Final

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