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2 Mga Kwento ng Pagtahak

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Four Lives Four Stories Stories of their Journey that molestation event was very defining for me I think because of that, I acquired low self-esteem and my self-worth got affected at the same time, I got scared to associate myself with men I've done a lot of things to validate my self-worth I excelled in school I've always wanted to do things perfectly and do things in high standards and also because I have that high need of affirmation that I'm ok I engaged into relationships with the opposite sex and also with the same sex I also anchored my self-esteem with my work because this is where I excelled I did everything I could and looked from anywhere I knew to just get that sense of worth Since I grew up without a father figure, I grew up having that attraction with older men so that's where it all started, where older guys molested me then I got into a same-sex relationship back in college days it became non-stop from then on, I think never in that time that I stopped having a partner and even while in a relationship, I was also simultaneously having sexual encounters with others I was also addicted to pornography and was always present in gay-cruising areas and I could say that I enjoyed that kind of lifestyle because I still don't have Jesus in my life I already have fears in connecting with men but when I was growing up especially during adolescence I couldn't hide that strong longing to be with men but I didn't know how to connect with them because at the back of my mind there was always that thought that I'll just be rejected but when I had the opportunity, I really involved myself in so many sexual encounters and there's this one guy whom I've given so much of my time to him, I really wanted to be intimate with him, I really wanted to, to have him as my partner but when I didn't get what I wanted from this person, I got myself into sexual relationships with other men I did that for.. I think more than 3 years I literally slept with men after men It's a good feeling. I love the feeling of being intimate It feels good that there's someone who hugs you back it feels good to have someone whom you share intimacy with this guy or with this person but after that, I still feel so incomplete, I feel like I'm still longing I feel like I'm a starved person yearning for more love still starving for attention and still craving for intimacy it wasn't really good at all because I didn't really get what I really desired in the first place I wanted to be happy but I did not become happy I really wanted to be part of their world and be connected with men but it was just being sexualized so in the end, I still didn't get what I was really longing for... From the province, I went to Manila for college In Manila, I still didn't know who I am, I don't know my identity... because I got rejected by men So I found comfort and friendship with women, I was ok with them but I knew that I'm still different. So when I arrived in Manila, I found this group of young, happy and loud gay people and saw how happy they were so I went out to them and surprisingly, they accepted me and I really felt welcome then I told myself, that perhaps this is who I really am, this is where I belong.. then they introduced me to a lot of stuffs like partying, there were even times back then, that I was in Malate every week then I got problems with my studies and it took me 10 years to finish university because of failing grades and one of the main reasons was also because I got into a 5 year relationship with this guy if I'll describe it, it's one of the most degrading thing that ever happened to me because I came to a point where I almost beg for his love but I was aware, I was aware that it was a one-way relationship He was depending on me because of financial support then I was depending on him in the emotional aspect. we're both feeding each other of the things we were lacking but it was also during this time that my self-worth went into overdrive so that was my lifestyle back then Four Lives Four Stories to be continued.....

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Duration: 6 minutes and 31 seconds
Country:
Language: English
License: Dotsub - Standard License
Genre: None
Views: 1
Posted by: derijo on Jul 18, 2017

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