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The only thing you need to know about me is that I fucking hate people I prefer animals, people are just weird and horrible. Animals are much better. I've never heard of a war being started by a chinchilla I've never heard of an armadillo committing genocide Gorilla warfare's a thing though isn't it I think that's for dyslexics Yea, so I'm an animal lover. I've had quite a few pets over the years. I found that there's two things that aren't that great about having pets. One: There's a lot of shit and the other one is that you've got to name them. I'm so bad at naming them, just, no imagination for names. I've got a dog, he's called Mike I've got a very elderly cat who is still called Kitten. I recently acquired a puppy I didn't know what to call him so I thought 'Ah, facebook poll' So he's now called Barky McBarkface Thank you facebook So yea, the older one, Mikey he's got some interesting stories He's actually come over from Romania to stay with us so he's a refugee He's come to take all the jobs from British dogs He said he's also come to fuck all the British bitches I took him to the vets not long after he'd just arrived though got the job done, had his bollocks taken off I kind of ruined his plans a bit, which is a shame because it was such a long way for him to come ... or not! He does have a bit of a disability, genuinely (this is all fucking true by the way) He's got, like, he's missing a foot He's got the leg, it just sort of stops, it's like a stump He does alright though He gets around, he's a bit wonky, he's does this funny sort of hop thing And he does, it's the cutest thing it really is You know when dogs scratch their faces, and they like pull their mouths back? He does that, a really good scratch You know when you pull faces, I can't do the mirror image But he can, so when he scratches himself on the other side, he's... I am one of those people that absolutely splash pictures of my cats and dogs and hamsters and other furry critters, all over facebook and there is a term for us, I found out the other day. We're called 'annoying cunts' I like it the other way as well, I set up facebook so that I get all the cute animal pictures and dogs on skateboards. I don't want to see your fucking ugly kids on their first day at school I want to see a dog in a swimming pool Really weird stuff gets through, really random stuff Like there was this advert the other day, for these pills You can buy pills online? Not valium These pills, you take these pills right? and they give you glittery poo What a fucking time to be alive? I looked into this, do you know, it's not a new thing I actually, I haven't got a job so I found out that glitter was invented in 1934 I've got to do something with my time So I can guarantee you that since 1934 small children and toddlers have been consuming glitter and producing sparkly poos That's decades of doing it without buying pills off the internet But then, you got to think about this, is it actually going to work? I mean a pill is, this big, regular pill size a turd... How big was your turd this morning? That's not a survey that should be done But basically I don't, that's not enough is it? That's not enough for a turd. Anyway it turns out 27 tablets is about right Now that was a weird week Why would you take all these tablets when you could just neck it straight out of a tube? Glitter shots Glitter shot drinking games You'd have glitter junkies joining craft groups just to lick the glitter off of other people's Christmas cards Necking it in Hobbycraft Other glitter retailers are available But yea, so having consumed dangerous amounts of glitter who the hell are you going to show this to? Like seriously? Toddlers, it's fine "Oh look Daddy, I did a sparkly poo" "That's great kidda, Can you not mention this when social services come round tomorrow?" As an adult? Come here, come here, come on, come and have a look What? Come here, come on, Look at my sparkly turd Fuck noooooo Turns out that's a really good way of getting rid of friends you don't want So no one's going to look at the glittery poo So you've got to take a picture and put it on Instagram Gotta come up with a hashtag #glittershit It did a lot better than #BarkyMcBarkface But I did get banned from Instagram And thankfully that's the end of me I hope you have a good evening and I hope you have good lives from now on because this is the worst bit Thank you!

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Duration: 8 minutes and 15 seconds
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Language: English
License: Dotsub - Standard License
Genre: None
Views: 0
Posted by: apalmer1904 on Nov 27, 2018

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