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Lookin' 4 Love

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-What's happenin', forum? Aren't we all glad it's football season? In fact, I saw the most amazing kick-off return the other day. [crowd cheering] Oh, what? Who put that post there? No, this video's great. It got like 300,000 views in a couple of days; it was on ESPN, which is great, 'cause I love that football player's tenacity. He's all like.... -Oh, I got this one. I got it, I got it! Doosh! Oh, f--k, why'd you give me such a high-pitched voice? -Now, the owner of the video who sent it to me said that the kid is actually a star athlete and probably the best player on the field. No-no-no-no-no, see that goal post is clearly the best player on the field. Oh, real quick. A lot of you guys asked me about the subtitles in my videos, like Why do I have them there, what are they for? They're actually for people who watch the show, but don't speak English as their first language. So just don't pay any attention to the subtitles; they kind of have a mind of their own, anyway. So there's this video that was filmed on someone's cell phone camera. It's got about 150,000 views right now, but it's rising fast. All I know is that there are these people at Wal-Mart and the girl in the video appears to be, I don't know, drunk I guess? S--t, Wal-Mart really does sell everything. Yo, can I get a price check on this dead hooker? Bulls--t, 'cause I try my ass off to get girls that drunk and they're always like, "Why are you trying to get me drunk? No, you can't have my number. You need to get out of my underwear drawer." No, I'm just sayin' the way this guy just nonchalantly piles groceries on top of her, it's like he literally purchased her in the store. "Excuse me sir. At which aisle can I pick up a pack of those inebriated white women?" Okay, so let's be serious here for a minute. At what point was it more important to go and get groceries than it was to take your girlfriend's drunk ass home. The dude must have been all like, "Uh, yeah, I'm gonna have to put this date rape on hold 'cause I'm all out of Nutella." Man, I've been trying to review this last video for a year, and I've finally got around to it. It's great. The footage is from the 1980s, back when video dating services existed. Now, I don't know if video dating exists today, I think now you're just expected to pick up women by showing your d--k on Chatroulette. Or is that just me? Anyway, someone has edited together the sort of best of all of these guys. -Hi, I'm Marius. I'm an executive by day and a wild man by night. -You've probably already noticed that I have incredibly blue eyes. -Hi, my name is Phil. Most of my friends call me Big Phil. -I'm not afraid to get sand on my tuxedo if you're not afraid to let the wind mess your hair up when I take the top down. -Ugh, take the top down, yeah that's not creepy at all. -Hi, my name's Mike. And if you're sitting there watching this tape smoking your cigarette, fit the fast-forward button, 'cause I don't smoke and I don't like people who do smoke. -I don't know, what I'm not looking for is some big overgrown monster that's always thinking about food and-- -What? Overgrown monster? Dude, don't act like you're above humping a fat chick. Come on, you're not fooling anyone. -I'm looking for the goddess. Are you the goddess? Who is the goddess? The goddess is the woman- is a woman--is any woman--is all women. -Ah, the guy's gonna get so laid with smooth, yet confusing pick-up lines like that. -I'm a 25-year subscriber to both Playboy and the New Yorker magazine. -Oh, so you're a sophisticated pervert. Good, 'cause we were totally worried. -Uhh... I do fashion photography. I'm just sugar, spice and all those thing that are nice. -Dude, you're just gay. I mean, you legitimately want d--k in or around your mouth, and there's nothing wrong with that, I just want you to come to terms with it. -Life is a playground and I want somebody to play with. -You do know only children go the playground, right? -Hi, Mom. -Ugh, now that's just f--ked up. I can't even begin--ugh. No, but this tape is awesome. Go watch the whole thing. I swear, at one point, Seth Green makes an appearance. I mean, he's just a beard, but that is totally him. And just when I thought this pool of lovesick candidates couldn't get any better, this dude Fred shows up. -Hi, I'm Fred. I'm really looking for someone I can feel special about and I don't encounter people like that very often. -You know, for me it doesn't get much more romantic than a guy who makes a dating video dressed like an 11th-century viking. See, but I wouldn't make a dating video if I were a viking. I would just club a bitch. No, but seriously, I feel sorry for those guys, 'cause dating now is much easier than it was back then. Nowadays, all you do is send a girl a friend request with a nice little message like, "Sup. I'm Ray. I like your profile. You should totally put up more pictures on your feet." No, I showed my friend this video and I'm like, "Dude, isn't that hilarious?" And he's like, "Yeah, but not nearly as hilarious as the fact that all these guys are gonna die alone." See, that's just messed up. I need to find new friends. But you know what's never messed up? The comment question of the day, which comes from a user named, bing!, and he said... -My comment question of the day is what is your favorite place? -That's pretty awesome. So, what's your favorite place? Leave your interesting or creative responses in the comments section below, or on Facebook or Twitter. But thanks for watching today's episode of =3. I'm Ray William Johnson and I approve this message. So tell me forum, what's the best band name you can think of? [Stalkin' Your Mom by Wax playing] Captioned by SpongeSebastian -A figure that is sexy, slim, tight, excellent legs, mmm...

Video Details

Duration: 5 minutes and 41 seconds
Country: United States
Language: English
Producer: Ray William Johnson
Director: Ray William Johnson
Views: 166
Posted by: spongesebastian on Sep 19, 2010

Equals Three with RayWilliamJohnson. (Captioned using UniversalSubtitles.org)

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