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It's Not Over Until It's Over

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It's Not Over Until It's Over One of the things that we find with parents often times is that they are looking for what we call a magic formula or a quick fix. Any of the strategies based on the principles in The Connected Child and that are featured on Empowered to Connect, none of them offer a quick fix or a magic formula. But what they do offer is principle based strategies that will help us both correct behavior and connect with our kids, that will help us take away fear and replace it with trust. But one of the things that we find often times is that parents are too quick to allow a correction to end. They think that if they can just simply get the child to quit tantruming or get the child to quit slamming doors, or if they can get a half way compliant "Yes" out of them instead of a shouted "no" that it's over. And we are quick to remind families of one principle that we have found to be very true and that is it's not over until it's over. And what we mean by that is there are several things that we believe it's important for our families to do, that's important for us to do as parents with our kids so that we can bring a time of correction to a complete end and bring it back to a point of reconnection. Regardless of what the misbehavior was, oftentimes what we encourage parents to do and what we do ourselves is we actually have our kids go re-do the thing that they didn't do right the first time. So if they asked a question or made a demand with disrespect, then we want them to come back at the end of the correction and re-do that. Number 1: we want them to be successful. We want them to end successfully. We want them to remember having done it right and and not remember simply having done it wrong. And I think that's very, very important. Now the same principle applies for us as parents. If we in that correction, didn't get it right, maybe we yelled, maybe we lost control of our emotions and we became angry or we lost our temper; maybe we sulked and shamed our child. Whatever the case may be, it's not only important that our kids re-do it and get it right, but that we also re-do it and get it right. And so we tell parents, it's not okay just to have the tantruming stop or to have the hitting stop or have any misbehavior stop; it's not over until it's over. It's not over until the behavior is corrected and we are reconnected with our kids. That means that there is going to have to be apologies offered and forgiveness given. That may mean that it also has to come from parents as well. It is very important that we remember this principle when we are connected and correcting which is: It's not over until it's over. But there is another principle that we have to remember and that is: when it's over, it's over. I remember vividly one time when I was correcting one of my little guys. I think he was about 7 at the time and I had really lost control of my own emotions. I had become so frustrated with him and I remember saying to him, "Why do you always do this?" and through the tears in his eyes, he looked up at me and he said, "Daddy. You know that I don't always do this." And I remember it really shamed me what he said to me because I realized that the correction was over and I was continuing to go on. Some of the literature calls this "piggy backing". This idea that we're going to continue to get our licks in, continue to make our point. And what that does for our kids, especially for our kids, it brings about shame. What we know from scripture in Genesis 3, when Adam and Eve sinned in the garden is that shame enters in and shame is not compatible with connection. Shame is really an enemy of connection. And often times, if I'm honest with myself and if other parents are honest with themselves, we will find that we use this piggy backing. We use this idea that we are going to continue to keep driving home our point and often times that leads our kids to a place of shame, which is a complete opposite of what we want and is a complete enemy of connection between us and our kids. It's important for us to remember when we are connecting and correcting, that it's not over until it's over. That we can't allow good enough to be good enough. We really have to continue be intentional. To bring things back to a complete point of reconnection. That may take time at first but what I can tell you now is that what used to take an hour to correct and then reconnect can often take less than a minute with our kids now because we are practiced and we are competent in this area. But we also have to remember that while we are correcting and certainly after, when it's over, it's over. There is no place for shame in this. There is place for discipline, which is training, but these's no place for shame because our ultimate goal is connection and that's what we want for ourselves and that's what we want for our kids.

Video Details

Duration: 4 minutes and 45 seconds
Language: English
License: Dotsub - Standard License
Genre: None
Views: 0
Posted by: jenfridley on Mar 7, 2018

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