Coaching Through Grief _Final
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>> Are you familiar with the stages of grief?
This universal process of coping through a loss
is a psychological phenomenon
that extends across all cultures and all types of people.
Likely, you've heard of it
and perhaps even experienced it yourself.
But have you ever thought of it
in the context of coaching your clients?
Unfortunately, loss is something that affects us
all at one point or another.
So it's inevitable that we'll have clients
who are dealing with the pain of losing a loved one
or even a cherished pet.
Now with that, I'd like to point out
that you can work with someone who's struggling with loss,
but grief should never be the primary reason
a client signs with you.
In other words,
if someone is seeking help for their mental health
because of grief, it would be out of your scope
of practice to take this person on as a client.
There are counselors and therapists for this,
and those are the advisors you should be referring them to.
However, it may be appropriate to take on a client
who is experiencing grief but they're seeking coaching
because it's impacted their wellness.
They're not coming to you because they want you to help them
with their depression or anxiety,
but they're coming to you because of their experience
of low energy, poor sleep, weight gain,
or some other kind of health issue
as a result of their bereavement,
and they want help getting back on track with wellness.
Providing a safe and supportive environment,
as a Health Coach, for this client
who's going through loss is totally okay.
As a Health Coach, it's appropriate to ask questions
and hold space for them to process their loss
because this is part of the holistic picture of who they are
and what's going on with them.
But you're not providing grief counseling
or trying to remedy their grief,
and you're clear about what you're doing.
Can you see the distinction here?
Taking on the mental health issues of a person
who is impacted psychologically by grief
is not within our scope.
But providing a listening ear and a supportive environment
for someone who is experiencing grief to help them
get back on track with their wellness goals
is a coachable situation.
With that said, it's helpful to understand
how humans tend to operate through grief
so you can understand what's going on for your clients
who are in mourning.
In this lecture, I'll share with you
the five stages of grief so that you can learn
how to be most supportive to your clients
from within your scope of practice.
Let's start by talking about the principles
underlying the five stages of grief.
This model was proposed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969
and has evolved over time.
The stages of grief are considered to be universal,
but this doesn't mean that one person experiences loss
exactly the same way as the next.
Everyone grieves differently
because no person is the same and no loss is the same.
The five stages are not linear
rather they're common elements that all people go through
to some degree at some point while grieving a loss.
Two people may be grieving the same person
and experiencing death in profoundly different ways.
One might be stuck in one phase for a year
and then go rapidly through the rest
whereas the other might balance back and forth
cycling between different stages.
Neither is grieving appropriately or inappropriately
because there is no right or wrong way to respond to a loss.
Simply put, they are going through
their own healing process in a way that works for them.
It's like bio-individuality for grief.
Another key element to remember
is that you can't coach your clients out of grief,
but you can coach them through grief.
Your client's process must be respected and never rushed.
When dealing with bereavement,
it's especially crucial that you meet your clients
where they're at and allow them to lead.
Have you ever lost someone to be told
they're in a better place or this too shall pass?
People say these things with good intentions,
but they invalidate the feelings of grief.
Telling your clients how they should feel
or normalizing the experience is not helpful.
So now let's look at what these stages actually are.
The five stages of grief are denial, anger,
bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
Now let's talk about what each one means.
Are you ready?
Let's go.
The first is denial.
Denial is a temporary response that helps buffer us
through the immediate shock and pain of loss.
It's normal and adaptive
to try to rationalize extreme emotions
because such intensity can hit like a tidal wave.
As a result, people in denial feel numb
and everything around them may feel like a blur.
It can feel like walking around in a dream.
Have you ever experienced this?
A client in the stage of denial might feel like
they're using all of their energy
just to make it through each day.
It's common for people to isolate during this stage,
so your client may cancel appointments
or have a hard time opening up.
A client in the denial stage may backslide
on whatever they've been working on,
their priorities have changed,
understandably, and so you can shift yours to meet them
where they're at and focus your work
on how they can cope and make sense of the loss.
But as an advocate for your client's
well-being and self-care,
you don't want to sit back and watch them
self-sabotage or develop unhealthy habits.
So while providing gentle understanding
and a space to breathe,
you'll still want to lovingly challenge your clients
to take care of themselves during a difficult time.
It's a delicate balance as a Health Coach
to give your clients the space they need
and respect their time to grieve
while also lovingly holding them accountable
for their self-care and their commitment to show up.
Use your best discretion and best judgment
for how to proceed in these situations.
Some people who are in denial act like everything's fine
and insist that they're doing okay.
Sometimes this is done to keep up appearances,
but often people in this stage truly do feel like
they're okay even when they know they're not
because the reality of the situation
just hasn't hit them yet.
This can be puzzling and even guilt-provoking.
A client in this stage might say things like,
"I don't understand why I can't cry."
Don't be alarmed if you have a client in denial,
they won't stay there forever.
While denial, in general, can be maladaptive,
in this circumstance,
they're trying to wrap their heads around
one of the biggest mysteries of life
as it has just personally affected them.
Sit with them and just hear them out.
Trying to set someone straight or shock them out of denial
can be more harmful than helpful.
If your client knows he or she has a supportive safe coach
to open up to, they will when it's time.
But until it's time, they just might not have the vocabulary
or the understanding, and that's okay.
The second stage is anger.
Once denial starts to wear off, the pain starts to set in,
but the person is still not ready to accept what's happened.
This often comes out as anger,
and this anger can emerge in many different forms.
It can be targeted at oneself, others,
or even the person who is lost.
Sometimes, it's all of these.
The rational mind and the emotional mind
are not working together.
This is a time where resentments emerge.
Sometimes, it's a resentment of an unresolved conflict
or issue with a loved one who passed.
Sometimes, it's self-directed.
Maybe they regret some of their interactions
with this person
or didn't get a chance to say something
that they wanted to tell them.
They may start to form resentments
towards the people around them
for how they're handling or not handling the situation.
This is a stage marked by sensitivity and volatility.
The anger stage may seem selfish,
destructive, or even frivolous,
but it's a necessary part of the process.
Your client might feel guilty for lashing out at this time
and making the situation even harder to tolerate.
Often, feeling guilty about being angry
can make a person even more angry.
What's important, when a client is going through this stage,
is that you just reassure them
that the anger is part of the process
and that they have a safe space to let it out
when they're with you.
Encourage them to find safe outlets to channel their anger
such as exercise, punching a pillow or a punching bag,
listening to loud angry music, or screaming.
Your clients need to feel their anger
because the more they suppress it,
the longer it will take for them
to emerge out of this stage.
Bottled up anger is unhealthy to the mind, body, and spirit.
Encourage your clients to rage safely and non-violently,
not to "get it together."
A lot of people in their lives may be telling them
or expecting them to buck up.
Be that one support for them who gives them permission
to be vulnerable and release their anger.
The third stage is bargaining.
Bargaining occurs when the denial is gone
and the anger has been rationalized away.
So all that's left is the pure pain and the reality of loss.
Confronted head-on with loss, they're met with desperation.
This is when people start to reason.
Reason with God, or their higher power,
or reason with themselves.
They try to rationalize and make sense of this situation
to find some way, any way it could've been avoided
as if it could somehow bring their loved one back.
Have you noticed how, at the brink of an impending
crisis or loss, people who ordinarily don't pray
or have an established connection with the higher power
may suddenly start praying for things to be okay?
We're all beings of spirit.
Some of us are religious or spiritual, and some not at all.
But when things get really bad,
when we want more than anything in the world to protect
or bring a loved one back
or to repair an otherwise broken situation,
we become desperate.
And only in desperation, do we become open to the idea
that anything is possible, that we'd do anything
or be open to any possibility that could make things better.
This stage is marked by statements that start with
what if and if only.
"If only we'd gotten a second opinion from that other vet."
"What if I had just cancelled that meeting
and then I would've been home
and would've been able to save her."
"If only I hadn't been so selfish,
he wouldn't have left that night."
It's not uncommon for people to try
to make a pact with a higher power
or make a personal treaty
to dedicate their lives to the cause at hand.
To try to get one last shed of power over a situation
that's completely out of their hands.
Often, they'll blame themselves
as if that could somehow rectify the situation.
It may be helpful to remind your clients
who are stuck in blaming, bargaining, and rationalizing
that it's not their fault,
that things unfolded how they were meant to.
But you need to not try to convince them of this.
This may be where they're at right now
and they may not be ready to leave.
Your client may need to hear that it's not their fault.
You definitely don't want to side with them
that it is their fault.
But this shouldn't turn into a circular conversation.
Their guilt which is causing them
to find fault with themselves may just be a way to distract.
If they're stuck in this phase,
help them channel this tension in a positive direction
such as becoming more spiritual,
writing poetry, or getting involved in a cause.
The fourth stage is depression.
This is when reality has fully set in.
Their loved one is gone, and they're not coming back,
there's nothing they can do.
Your client is now in the present.
In the present, there's a void.
A hole where the loved one used to be,
and so now they're feeling emptiness.
The pain takes on depth and it feels like depression.
Now there's depression that happens as mental illness,
a chemical imbalance that causes a person
to feel these intensely sad
and empty feelings for no circumstantial reason,
and then there's being situationally depressed.
And while these two may feel the same
and they both affect one's mental health,
they're different because it's a totally
normal response to feel depressed
when something sad and tragic happens in your life.
It's not a mental illness.
In this case, it's emotional processing.
So you'll want to remind your client
that it's normal for them to feel the way that they do
and that they're entitled to take the time
and space they need to get back on their feet again.
You shouldn't try to fix your client or make them cheer up,
just sit with them.
Sometimes, what a person in this stage needs most
is someone loving to literally just sit with them.
Only your client knows what he or she needs
so just ask them.
What you do want to be mindful of, in this stage,
is that your client is not headed toward
or engaging in self-harm.
This can include drug and alcohol abuse,
cutting or suicidal ideation.
If you suspect any of these things,
you'll want to immediately refer them
to someone in their community or a hotline
that has people equipped to handle these types of issues.
If you have a client you suspect is self-harming,
approach them lovingly with gentle curiosity.
If they suspect judgment or that you'll reprimand them
or in some way get them in trouble, they won't open up.
The best stand to take with someone who is self-harming
is that you understand their pain and that you care,
not that they're wrong and that everything's fine.
The fifth and final stage is acceptance.
Acceptance doesn't mean that they've become okay
with what happened or that suddenly everything's fine.
Acceptance just means that a person has come to terms
with the fact that their loved one is gone.
Most people don't ever feel okay
or good about losing a loved one.
It just means that the blanket of sadness is lifted
and the person begins to be able to move on with their life
as the feeling of sadness comes and goes.
Simply put, it becomes manageable.
It's common for people to resist acceptance.
They feel as if by accepting the loss,
they're approving of it.
This is what's going on when you see a loved one's room
being kept perfectly intact as if they're still living in it
or posting on their Facebook wall
as if they could read the message.
Eventually your clients will realize
that the past no longer fits in the present
and they can't keep it intact.
They may start to reach out again to others to date again
or to resume their coaching goals.
It's important to champion your clients
as they gain acceptance but also to be realistic.
As I've mentioned, these phases are not always linear,
and so acceptance may come and go.
Your client may slip right back into depression,
and it's important to not make them feel as if they failed
or undone their progress.
Instead explain to them that moving backwards
is part of moving forward.
So now let's recap.
The five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining,
depression, and acceptance.
The most important to thing to remember about this process
is that it differs from person to person and is not linear.
A person could literally cycle through
all of the phases in one day,
someone may stay in denial for a weekend
and anger for a month.
So the stages of grief model isn't a way of tidying up
and labeling how people react to loss.
It's a framework for understanding
the different feelings and reactions
that come up for all people in the process of bereavement.
Knowing a bit about how this model
and how clients might act in each stage is helpful
because it informs us how to respond
appropriately as coaches from within our scope of practice.
Have you ever experienced the loss of a loved one
or a cherished pet?
Did you find yourself going through these stages?
What did the grief process look like for you?
Share your experiences on the Facebook group page,
and remember, be supportive of one another.
This can be a sensitive and triggering topic.
Thank you so much for tuning in.
I'll see you soon.