Handsome Men's Club

You know, on the night like tonight, the night of the Academy Award beauty, not only is it on display it’s analyzed, evaluated Experts are flown in to determine who wore best Lists are made to decide who is hot and who is not hot and that’s why I personally am happy to be part of an organization that supports beautiful people like myself Wow, you’re handsome You’re perfect You’re incredible You’re one good-looking son of a bitch Good job, mom, amazing, Holy xxxx Ok, the meeting of the Handsome Men’s Club will now come to order First order of business is with Patrick How much would we raise at the car wash? 75 million dollars Really? Great, that is great I know Gilles, good call on making it topless Lose a shirt never hurts Where are we on handsome for the homeless? Cloony’s on it Of course Cloony’s on it Sting, mirrors down Oh, I’m sorry, Jimmy I got lost in my own eyes Ok, new applicants We have, the kids from Twilight Taylor Lautner and Robert Pattinson Show of handsome. All in favor? Handsome All opposed? I don’t know. I don’t see handsome yet I’m gonna overrule this one Not handsome, cute What’s wrong with cute? There’s a quota, and you filled it He’s the best Alright. Oh yeah, Liev Schreiber Show of handsome. Wait a minute, I can’t see Can you pass this down? You know Ted, maybe if you could be here in person every once in a while instead of chatting on AIM we wouldn’t have to do this Quite, Kimmel, I’m evaluating handsomeness Alright, I’m ready Thank you Alright, show of handsome Handsome All opposed? I don’t know. His facial hair is kind of reddish What? Overruled Why are we even voting on this crap? Any old business? Ah…no old business Excuse me I never got the response to my request to legally change my name Change it to what? Handsome Hawke Approved I’m Handsome Hawke OK, any new business? No new busi… Yeah, I’d like to make a motion Mathew has the floor I move that we vote for a new president Motion denied How’s motion denied? Because we have the best president in the world: me Well, maybe you shouldn’t be the president That’s why I made the motion. Alright Maybe you shouldn’t even be in the club, Jimmy Pardon me? I think he’s saying that we all had to get voted into this club and you didn’t He’s just saying You don’t know what he’s saying That is not what he was saying No, that is what I was saying You know, why don’t we just have a vote on whether or not you are handsome Thank you I second that There was a vote. America voted Maybe you’ve heard of a little magazine called People Sexiest Man Alive Oh, we’re well aware of that In which I happened to have a three-page spread That was clearly a joke You’re a joke You’re a joke No, you’re a joke At least I’m a funny joke See? This is why I didn’t want foreigners in the club @#%*$!#& Exactly. Kimmel. You’re not handsome Are you nuts? Thank you, John. I am handsome I happened to have one of the best bodies here You do? Yeah, I do He’s wearing SPANX No, I’m not Oh, yeah? What’s this? SPANX Fxxxxxx SPANX Those are my superhero tights I fight crime in them Now you know my secret identity and now your lives are all in danger So…good job Good luck staying alive You’re fat You’re fat I’m handsome I’m a lot more handsome than a lot of you Look at Romo Look at the size of his ears Right? Can’t even get his hat on front ways ever cuz his ears are so big Look at Keith. Keith has lady hair Come on I’m handsome. Ask anyone TD, come here Look at this. Taye is handsome, right? We look exactly alike Smile - Exactly - Not exactly Exactly Alright. Go back to your seat Hey, nobody in this room, besides you thinks that you’re handsome I think you’re damn handsome Thank you, Lenny Kravitz Come on, Lenny See that? I think what Lenny’s trying to say is handsome doesn’t come from here Handsome comes from here Yeah, I have flaws ♪ I have flaws ♪ Maybe my eyes are too piercing ♪ My eyes are too piercing ♪ And maybe my skin is too soft and smooth ♪ My skin’s too soft ♪ And maybe I have the breast of a 14-year-old girl ♪ The supple breast of a 14-year-old girl ♪ That doesn’t mean anything What’s important is, I’m handsome withinside ♪ From the withinside ♪ That’s what matters Physical beauty fades ♪ Beauty fades ♪ Look at Sting ♪ Look at Sting ♪ I believe that children are our future ♪ I believe that… Lenny, please! I’m trying to talk here Can you give it a rest? I had your back, punk ass bitch I know, but, enough Gentlemen, I am handsome And I’m damn proud to be president of the Handsome Men’s club now and forever Oh, show of handsome Ben, say something Show of not Not Not That’s how it is, huh? Fine, I’ll leave with my head held handsome and these pizzas Don’t You know, before I go, though I want to leave you gentlemen with a parting thought from my favorite book “Self Matters,” by Dr. Philip McGraw Dr. Phil teaches us that when the… Sorry, Kimmel But we’ve run out of time Ahahahahahahaha! Handsome! Wake up, wake up What? What’s wrong? I had a nightmare What? We were in a club together And Matthew McConaughey was there and he was really, really mean to me And then you said I wasn’t handsome Come on You know I think you’re handsome You’re my handsome You’re my most handsome You’re my big handsome You’re big daddy handsome Ben, it’s enough It’s getting weird ♪ He’s got the breast of a 14-year-old girl ♪