We've all become quite used to hearing outrageous comments from the Pope, so when he said recently that a priest is a gift to the world the only real surprise was that he managed to say it with a straight face. As if God said: "Hey world, I've got a gift for you, I got it specially... "It's a predatory class of self-serving parasites "who will suck out your dreams and grind them to dust; "who will poison your naturally joyful and spontaneous nature "with the leaden and life-draining emotions of guilt and fear, "and who will lead you away from the path to wisdom and enlightenment "and straight into a box canyon of superstition and dogma "solely for their benefit, and you are going to lap it up like puppy dogs. Any questions? "No, I didn't think so. Well, just for that I'm going to let them "rape your kids as well, and get away with it. Enjoy." And by the way, even as the Pope was telling us that priests are a gift to the world five Italian "gifts to the world" were being suspended by their bishops for the usual reasons. Abolishing clerical celibacy. Now that would be a gift to the world. Without it the Catholic Church is going to need a miracle to come back from this low point in its already ignominious history. And I do mean a genuine miracle, something that actually changes reality, because I'm afraid that words are no longer enough. Moral teaching is no longer enough when we can all plainly see that it's the men who run the Catholic Church who are most in need of some moral teaching of their own. In fact, some of them are in need of a severe moral kicking and Pope Ratzinger is top of that list. They call him the Holy Father, but his record shows that he wouldn't know holy if it spat in his eye. And if he is a father he's kept it quiet for professional reasons. He's shaping up to be the most conservative pope since... well, since the last one, and he was so conservative he virtually fossilised in office. Back in those days this pope was the Vatican's chief enforcer of doctrine. His nickname was "God's rottweiler". Yet now we're supposed to believe that he's some kind of benign pastoral shepherd. Give me a break. And it was in this role that he helped organise the cover-up of the institutionalised child rape for which the Catholic Church will now always be notorious - - without a miracle, that is. I think the Catholic Church actually owes humanity a miracle. It has traded on miracles for two thousand years. It derives all its authority from miracles. In fact, without the miracles there wouldn't be anything there at all apart from the foundation of poison guilt upon which the whole thing stands. And if the Church ever needed a miracle now certainly is that moment, so it wouldn't hurt the Pope at least to try. What has he got to lose? His virginity? He is supposed to be Christ's direct representative on earth, so surely some of that stardust has rubbed off. Plus he has a captive audience, eager to believe. To the Catholic mind, if a thing isn't absolutely impossible it simply isn't worth believing in. The more impossible it is, the more passionately it's believed. In fact, it's the impossibilities that keep this religion real, so if you're looking for something to believe, and if you have a taste for the gothically absurd and the horribly preposterous then look no further than the Catholic faith which can offer you a veritable smorgasbord of insulting nonsense on which to gorge, from the virgin birth right through to the resurrection, and beyond, calling at all stations of the cross along the way. The stations of the cross, as you may know, is a series of pictures around the walls of every Catholic church depicting frame by frame the torture and execution of Christ, because the Catholic faith likes to dwell on the suffering, on the agony of Christ, a lot more intensely than other Christian denominations. There's a real darkness about it that's almost satanic. Actually, I take that back - the word "almost" I mean. A crucifix in a Catholic church will always show Jesus looking a lot more bloody and emaciated because Catholicism really loves to relish the suffering and get its teeth right into the flesh and to wallow in the blood of Christ. It's the nearest thing to outright Christian voodoo, frankly. The only thing missing is a decapitated chicken. The most sacred thing a Catholic can do is to eat the flesh of Christ. The real flesh. Not some synthetic substitute. And they can do this thanks to the miracle (what else?) of transubstantiation which allows the Communion bread to magically transform itself into the actual flesh of Jesus Christ. Not symbolically - now this is the crucial point - but in actual physical miraculous reality you take the living flesh of Christ right in your mouth as a Catholic every single time. Oh yes you do. Because Jesus said, didn't he, "Eat my body and drink my blood... "because you're nothing but a bunch of superstitious savages anyway, "so you might as well act like it." I'm paraphrasing, obviously, but I believe that was the gist of what he said, and if it wasn't it bloody well should have been. Obviously other Christian denominations also take Communion, but the flesh of Christ is a particular staple of the Catholic diet. We Catholics know that if you don't take the flesh of Christ about once a week you're not really getting all your essential nutrients, which could lead to a grace deficiency and lower your immunity to possession by demons, for example. This is a very common occurence. Oh yes, demonic possession is as big a threat to the Catholic soul as a Harry Potter book or a condom, so the Church takes it very seriously. They've even trained a whole squad of exorcists, specialist demon hunters, to deal with this problem. The dog-collared ghostbuster is the demon's worst nightmare. Well, probably not his worst nightmare because, after all, he lives in hell, but you know what I mean. And these guys go around sprinking holy water on people with mental problems who have forgotten to take their medication, while invoking the power of Christ. Now what puzzles me about this... well, many things puzzle me about this, but what puzzles me most is if they can harness the power of Christ to drive out demons, which is what they claim to be doing, then how come they can't use it for any other purpose like, say, feeding a multitude. This planet is never short of a starving multitude or two, yet for some reason the power of Christ always seems to be conspicuously absent. It can drive out demons all day long, it seems, yet when it comes to something we can actually verify the power of Christ miraculously evaporates. So wouldn't it be wonderful if the Pope could reassure us all, now that his church has been exposed to the world as a cesspit of iniquity, as a whited sepulchre inwardly teeming with rottenness and filth, if he could just reassure us that the religion itself is not in fact a crock of superstitious fascist gobbledegook and lies by demonstrating the power of Christ just once? One little miracle. Think of the difference it would make, to the Church's reputation, to everything. It would change reality. Suddenly all the Catholic miracles would become real. Think of the converts from all the other religions. Catholic churches packed to the rafters, everybody singing hallelujah. You never know, a host of heavenly angels might even appear. Plus, of course, it would make it a lot easier to persuade Catholic parents that their children had been touched by the hand of God and not by some creepy nonce in a dog collar. Didn't Jesus himself say that anyone could do the things that he did if they had enough faith? Well, what is he waiting for? He does have enough faith. We know that because he's the Pope. So couldn't he at least go to a famine area with some loaves and some fishes and see what happens? Isn't it even worth a shot? Or is human life really not all that sacred when you actually have to get off your arse and account for yourself and there's a chance that you might be embarrassed? And did Jesus really sacrifice himself on that bloody cross of death so that this pampered brazen old fraud could sit there in Rome like a useless ornament telling everybody else what they're not allowed to do? His entire religion is built on black magic. It runs through it like an electric current. Yet he is unable to demonstrate even the simplest example of it when his church most needs one. It's odd, because they'll certainly find a miracle for him after he's gone, when it's time to make him a saint. They'll have no trouble then finding somebody prepared to swear they were healed by his touch. I'm sure it has already been arranged. Peace, and God bless abortion.