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Star Wars – The Environmentalists Version
Duration:
5 minutes
Country:
United States
Language:
English
Genre:
Public Service Announcement
Producer:
subMedia
Director:
Franklin Lopez
Views:
1,328
(890
embedded)
Posted by:
stimulator on Sep 10, 2009
endciv.com Derrick Jensen imagines Star Wars, as if it was written by environmentalists
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- OK, so....
- I don't know if you know this, but
- The original draft of the movie Star Wars
- was not written by Lucas
- The original draft was written by environmentalists
- and it's a little bit different
- For one thing it was not actually called Star Wars
- It was called Star Non-Violent Civil Disobedience
- But the plot of Star Wars for those of you who don't remember
- Is that the Empire has created this giant machine called the Death Star
- And it's a machine that's capable of destroying entire planets
- And in the movie the rebels find a way to destroy the Death Star
- And then at the very end Luke Skywalker uses the force
- to get past all the tie fighters and to drop a torpedo down a thermal exhaust port
- and to blow up the Death Star
- Once again, the first draft of the movie written by environmentalists was a bit different
- The rebels didn't actually blow up the Death Star instead
- they used other methods to slow the intergalactic march of empire
- For example
- They set up programs for people on planets about to be destroyed
- To produce luxury items like hemp hacky sacks and gourmet coffee
- for sale to inhabitants of the Death Star
- Audience members will also discover that there are plans afoot to encourage loads of
- troopers and other citizens of the empire to take eco-tours of doomed planets
- The purpose will be to show to one and all that these planets are economically important to the Empire
- and so should not be destroyed
- In a surprise move that will get viewers to the edges of their seats
- other groups of rebels will file lawsuits against the Empire
- attempting to show that the Environmental Impact Statement that Darth Vader
- was required to file failed to adequately support its decision
- that blowing up this planet would cause “no significant impact.”
- Viewers will thrill to learn of plans to boycott items produced by corporations
- that have Darth Vader on the board of directors
- and will leap to their feet in theaters worldwide when they see bags
- full of letters written directly to Mr. Vader himself asking that he please not blow up anymore planets.
- Now, we all know that all of this should be sufficient not only to bring the Empire to its knees
- but to make a damn fine and exciting movie.
- The thing is: there’s more.
- Thousands of renegade rebels, unhappy with what they perceive as toadying on the part of the mainstream rebels
- decide, in a scene guaranteed to bring tears to the eyes of even the most cold-hearted theatergoers
- to stand on the planets to be destroyed, link arms, and sing “Give Peace a Chance.”
- They send DVDs of this to both Darth Vader and his boss the Grand Moff Tarkin
- to whom they also send wave after wave of loving kindness
- a the few rebels sneak aboard the Death Star and lock themselves down to various pieces of equipment.
- and stirring debates are held onscreen as to whether they should voluntarily surrender
- on approach of the troopers, or whether they should remain locked down to the end.
- In a brilliant and brave touch of authenticity, the rebels were never able to come to consensus.
- But there's more. Once inside the Death Star, a splinter group breaks off
- They burn a couple of transporters, and they etch “Galaxy Liberation Front”
- And then another group breaks off from that group
- And they finally make it to Darth Vader's private room
- And when they get there, they sneak up behind him
- and then they hit him with a vegan cream pie
- And the directors decided to cut that because it was way too close
- to a scene in another movie they were developing at the same time
- Called the plot to pie Hitler
- As the Death Star looms directly overhead, a few of the rebels advocate picking up weapons to fight back
- And these rebels are generally shouted down by pacifist rebels
- who argue that attacking those who run the Death Star is
- “just another example of the Empire’s harmful philosophy coming in by the back door.”
- If we want to change Darth Vader, they say, we must all first become the change ourselves
- To change Darth Vader’s heart, we must first change our own. We must above all else have compassion for Darth Vader,
- and remember that he, too, was once a child.
- So finally Leia, Luke, Han, Chewbacca, and a couple of robots show up
- and tell these others they’ve found a way to blow up the whole Death Star.
- And the rest of the rebels are of course horrified
- a scuffle breaks out between Leia, Luke, Han, and Chewbacca and the two robots on one side
- and the pacifists on the other. And the pacifists chase those four from the room and from the film
- But it's not a big deal because they are minor characters anyway
- But anyway, the way the movie ends is that the Death Star looms closer and closer
- And then you see the Death Star And then you see the Planet And then you see the Death Star
- And then you see the planet and then you see the Death Star and you see the laser start to glow this hellish red
- And then you see the planet again and you see this little light
- And what that is that's the environmentalists getting away before the planet gets blown up.
- And then you see the Death Star again and then it blows up the planet
- And then the final shot of the movie which reveals what complete triumph this was for the rebels
- Is a still showing an article on the lower left hand corner of page 43
- Of the New Empire Times that devotes a full 3 sentences to the destruction of the planet
- Yeah we got some press!
- For more harrowing tales of eco-shenanigans visit ENDCIV.COM


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