Star Wars – The Environmentalists Version - 6 Translation(s)

Star Wars – The Environmentalists Version

Duration: 5 minutes

Country: United States

Language: English

License: CC - Attribution Non-commercial No Derivatives

Genre: Public Service Announcement

Producer: subMedia

Director: Franklin Lopez

Views: 1,328 (890 embedded)

Posted by: stimulator on Sep 10, 2009

endciv.com Derrick Jensen imagines Star Wars, as if it was written by environmentalists

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OK, so....
I don't know if you know this, but
The original draft of the movie Star Wars
was not written by Lucas
The original draft was written by environmentalists
and it's a little bit different
For one thing it was not actually called Star Wars
It was called Star Non-Violent Civil Disobedience
But the plot of Star Wars for those of you who don't remember
Is that the Empire has created this giant machine called the Death Star
And it's a machine that's capable of destroying entire planets
And in the movie the rebels find a way to destroy the Death Star
And then at the very end Luke Skywalker uses the force
to get past all the tie fighters and to drop a torpedo down a thermal exhaust port
and to blow up the Death Star
Once again, the first draft of the movie written by environmentalists was a bit different
The rebels didn't actually blow up the Death Star instead
they used other methods to slow the intergalactic march of empire
For example
They set up programs for people on planets about to be destroyed
To produce luxury items like hemp hacky sacks and gourmet coffee
for sale to inhabitants of the Death Star
Audience members will also discover that there are plans afoot to encourage loads of
troopers and other citizens of the empire to take eco-tours of doomed planets
The purpose will be to show to one and all that these planets are economically important to the Empire
and so should not be destroyed
In a surprise move that will get viewers to the edges of their seats
other groups of rebels will file lawsuits against the Empire
attempting to show that the Environmental Impact Statement that Darth Vader
was required to file failed to adequately support its decision
that blowing up this planet would cause “no significant impact.”
Viewers will thrill to learn of plans to boycott items produced by corporations
that have Darth Vader on the board of directors
and will leap to their feet in theaters worldwide when they see bags
full of letters written directly to Mr. Vader himself asking that he please not blow up anymore planets.
Now, we all know that all of this should be sufficient not only to bring the Empire to its knees
but to make a damn fine and exciting movie.
The thing is: there’s more.
Thousands of renegade rebels, unhappy with what they perceive as toadying on the part of the mainstream rebels
decide, in a scene guaranteed to bring tears to the eyes of even the most cold-hearted theatergoers
to stand on the planets to be destroyed, link arms, and sing “Give Peace a Chance.”
They send DVDs of this to both Darth Vader and his boss the Grand Moff Tarkin
to whom they also send wave after wave of loving kindness
a the few rebels sneak aboard the Death Star and lock themselves down to various pieces of equipment.
and stirring debates are held onscreen as to whether they should voluntarily surrender
on approach of the troopers, or whether they should remain locked down to the end.
In a brilliant and brave touch of authenticity, the rebels were never able to come to consensus.
But there's more. Once inside the Death Star, a splinter group breaks off
They burn a couple of transporters, and they etch “Galaxy Liberation Front”
And then another group breaks off from that group
And they finally make it to Darth Vader's private room
And when they get there, they sneak up behind him
and then they hit him with a vegan cream pie
And the directors decided to cut that because it was way too close
to a scene in another movie they were developing at the same time
Called the plot to pie Hitler
As the Death Star looms directly overhead, a few of the rebels advocate picking up weapons to fight back
And these rebels are generally shouted down by pacifist rebels
who argue that attacking those who run the Death Star is
“just another example of the Empire’s harmful philosophy coming in by the back door.”
If we want to change Darth Vader, they say, we must all first become the change ourselves
To change Darth Vader’s heart, we must first change our own. We must above all else have compassion for Darth Vader,
and remember that he, too, was once a child.
So finally Leia, Luke, Han, Chewbacca, and a couple of robots show up
and tell these others they’ve found a way to blow up the whole Death Star.
And the rest of the rebels are of course horrified
a scuffle breaks out between Leia, Luke, Han, and Chewbacca and the two robots on one side
and the pacifists on the other. And the pacifists chase those four from the room and from the film
But it's not a big deal because they are minor characters anyway
But anyway, the way the movie ends is that the Death Star looms closer and closer
And then you see the Death Star And then you see the Planet And then you see the Death Star
And then you see the planet and then you see the Death Star and you see the laser start to glow this hellish red
And then you see the planet again and you see this little light
And what that is that's the environmentalists getting away before the planet gets blown up.
And then you see the Death Star again and then it blows up the planet
And then the final shot of the movie which reveals what complete triumph this was for the rebels
Is a still showing an article on the lower left hand corner of page 43
Of the New Empire Times that devotes a full 3 sentences to the destruction of the planet
Yeah we got some press!
For more harrowing tales of eco-shenanigans visit ENDCIV.COM

Star Wars – The Environmentalists Version

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